Killing Harmony (RETELLING)

Chapter 6 x Please Make It End ((ANGST))

((Heavy trigger warning! Depressive thoughts, mentions of s*icide and m*rder, self d*grading, c*tting, s*icidal thoughts, st*bbing mentions, r*peating))

1:42pm | Shuichi's Room | Shuichi's POV

just five more minutes! I told myself. I was still in bed at 1 in the afternoon. Yes im okay. Oh no im lying. Like Kokichi. Think about him! He makes you happy! Oh wait but he'll die too. Everyone dies... eventually...im getting sad again...not sad...depressed. all of this is my fault. im supposed to save everyone! but. i cant. not everyone. not even myself. its worthless. its useless. to try to. why should I... if nothing helps...

I sighed and rolled onto my side again, i should get up. Nah. There's no point. I could see Kokichi though. Shut up, you're too tired. Am i? 

My mind felt like there were two sides of me. Optimist and Pessimist. Pessimist was overruling. 

Kokichi doesnt care about a useless idiot like you. He hates you just he doesnt want to tell you because he knows you're a crybaby who will taddle. 

I sighed again, "You're right"

Thats when I started to sob. Loudly. I cried and cried. I just wanted someone to hug me and tell me everything was going to be alright. I wanted my mom. I wanted... my dad. my uncle. kokichi. I wanted someone to play with my hair while they comforted me... and if i couldn't get that? 

I. didnt. want. to. exist or. be alive.

i wanted to die. i wanted to be killed. so i was put out of my misery. my boring ugly self. body....

i wanted it all to end. i wanted to end myself. i totally could. my butterfly knife over there? i could stab my tongue so i would bleed to death. I looked at it. 

one slit couldnt hurt...

right?

i looked at it longingly. i was mesmerized... i climbed over and grabbed it. I sat down and looked at my bare thigh. Jesus christ i was disgusting. ugly. worthless. I didnt even hesitate as i brought it down on my skin, tearing at it ruthlessly. I looked at the wound.. satisfied. i deserved this! i thought?

I put on black ripped jeans and a hoodie. The others were probably wondering where i was. I shuffled out the door and made my way to the dining hall. Kokichi was obviously a little worried as he sat at a table with Kaito. He looked around and saw me. He smiled then looked confused. I stumbled over to him. Look at me. Pathetic. I look like a babbling drunkard of a stoner. 

"Shumai, good morning" He smiled, "Afternoon, sorry." He then looked me up and down for a second. "....your mascaras running" 

I sighed and wiped at my eyes, thinking of an excuse, "S-sorry i forgot to take it off before bed"

"Ah okay" He spoke calmly, something about his voice, it was so soothing. I looked at him pleased and kissed his cheek softly. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me. He was the solution. He made me forget about everything. He made me...

...happ-

"Neeheehee! You really thought you could lie to me there for a second!" He grinned mischievously then frowned, "Saihara-chan, why were you crying?" He said quietly. I looked around nervously, 

"I dont want to talk about it here" I mumbled, he stood up and grabbed my hand and tugged me away to his room. 

"Good. We can talk about it here" He flopped down on his bed and signaled for me to join him. I sighed and put my head between his legs, lying down, my hands folded on my stomach. "Now tell me" He said.

 I shook my head, i felt my eyes stinging again. I was a balloon and a pin was headed straight for me. Salty water was about to slosh out of my eyelids. I felt it drip down my cheek and fall onto the bed.

Kokichi moved so that he was next to me, he covered me with his warm embrace, "You don't have to be scared to talk" He whispered in my ear, "I'll listen. I hate to see you unhappy. I want to help you" 

I let out a ragged exhale,

what do i say. i shouldnt make it obvious. wait no. straight forward. like him.

"I want to die"

there. quick and done. he wont bother me anymore. right?

He blinked, like he couldn't believe what i just said. I couldnt believe what i just said. 

"...shumai" He paused, "how long have you been feeling this way" 

I thought for a second. 

today. wait no. a long time. i hate to admit it. a really long time. since the killing game started. after rantaro and kaede died... after ouma- after i didnt tell him i was uncomfortable.. thats when. thats the exact date. i should've known.

"A long time" I said. I wasnt exactly lying. He nodded slowly,

"Is there anything i can do?" 

"No" I said bluntly.

there wasnt and i wasnt going to lie. he cant help me. nobody can. and thats fine. because i didnt give two shits. i just wanted to die. thats all i cared about. and kokichi... if i died he would be devastated. i know thats a fact. i have to stay alive. even if it means suffering. that doesnt mean...

that doesnt mean...

...that i cant hurt myself

I stood up abruptly,

"I have to go" I mumbled and walked out his door, back to my room.

Slash, slit, cut. Repeat

|  One Week Later |

I was becoming addicted. The pain, the feeling.. 

I slashed at my thigh again, it already had nine cuts...

nine..

i deserved this

i deserved this

i deserved this

i slashed again

i owe this to kokichi

i owe this to kokichi

i slashed a third

it tastes so good

delicious...

My legs buckled and i fell over. I cut too much. My body froze, paralyzed. My vision started to blur as my head fell to the side. Last thing i saw was Ouma. He looked so worried...

((Authors Note Word Count: 1015  Hooo boy this chapter was hard to write. I swear Shuichi will be okay though))