The Summer of '93

Running out of time

Back in Heidelberg, I was so pleased and relieved to be back at his apartment where we could cut loose. I never mentioned it to Dionisis as there was no point at this juncture. In his room I cleared up a small scattering of rose petals and popped them in my suitcase. The rose head was beginning to wilt. 'Hang in there' I thought.

We made a wonderful fruit salad and shared the cooking. It was a tiny kitchen but we were totally working together, so amicably. It felt so good. Dionisis went out for drinks and returned with full bags and unloaded some cans of lager onto the table, as he lit  the candle that had dripped wax for hours and we sat at the table under the sloped window and the moonlight cast its glow upon us. I was so moved that he had brought me pink roses and boxed chocolate covered hearts. I was so touched and overwhelmed. I must have glowed. I knew in my heart that it was all aligned, and I didn't want anyone else. He was the one. Yes times were good, yes it was all new, but it's like finding that single jigsaw piece that you seek for such a while and hope it will fit. When you place that piece where you think it belongs and it does, that's how my time felt with Dionisis. I felt like I was meant to be with him. I felt like I'd found my anchor and home. I was walking on air. But I had had my heart broken a few times now. Right at this moment though I wasn't thinking about that, I was just savouring it. I was content beyond my wildest dreams. By now the lager, that I very rarely drink, was reaching my toes, I was giggly and intoxicated. I know he had fallen for me as hard as I had him and we both got drunk with one can of beer. I had never had my photo taken so much!

The following day we got up early. It felt like the first of many returns to normal life. With a heavy heart I knew that we had to return the car back to Europcar. Dionisis decided he was going to use his film up so that he could get all the pictures developed quickly.

The following day, we met Gerhard at 10:30 in a place near Hochenheim near Speyer, in the Reinland Platz.

"This is my favourite place", enthused Gerhard. It was a beautiful drive. There were lots of medieval buildings. We went to Neustadt where we visited a railway museum. It had a little Volkswagen trolley from the fifties on railway wheels by the front of the museum, that I had never seen before. It was fascinating because my Father had been passionate about trains. These were very different from the rolling stock back home that I had accompanied Dad to see at the steam railways that we had visited over the years, such as Keithley. The locomotive shed was the venue for them all. It was fun exploring them. Gerhard was engrossed. He was reading all the plaques. Dionisis and I took pictures of each other on the footplate, peering out from behind the engine. He smiled happily. What I really wanted to hear were the trains different whistles! These were all Southern German trains so I was sure they would have their own distinctive voices. 

We then walked to a castle – it was a four mile hike, and through the forest. The Germans hang brown boiled eggs in the trees and they hung like Christmas tree decorations on bare branches. We got soaked in the rain. Rabbits hopped around the grass. It was breathtakingly beautiful and completely unspoilt. I had grown to know and like Gerhard by now. We found an incredible restaurant. We then dropped off Gerhard and Dionisis and I headed off to Speyer. It was beautiful.

I awoke and cuddled dreamingly and satisfiable into Dionisis. He stretched his toes, yawned and wrapped me in a reassuringly snug bear hug. After rubbing his eyes and coming to, he kissed me and smiled with a smirk dancing in his eyes. "You know" Dionisis said in a soft voice "that Tuesday 13th is unlucky in Greece."

"I wonder why it's a Tuesday in Greece but a Friday in the UK? I know it is to do with the 13 disciples but I do not know the significance of the day."

"Neither do I." Dionisis replied. "But the Greeks are a very superstitious people" he said.

I got up at nine. Time was running out. I went shopping with Dionisis, into Heidelberg to buy the mandatory souvenirs. I bought some glass and chocolate frogs for Lesley, my Dad's wife, chocolate's for Mum and Palmer and some nice wine for Dad and Lesley. The chocolate shop was incredible and really expensive. I stood in the queue in the shop I had a glass counter filters with multicoloured chocolate jewels. I looked at the different boxes but I wanted to buy mum something special. The choice was confusing but expensive! Dionisis was uncommonly patient and never complained. My emotions and my feelings for him were constantly overflowing. At the front of the queue for some British tourists it was one of those moments where you want the ground to swallow you up. The woman behind the counter obviously didn't speak much English. And it was clear that the man who was trying to buy these chocolates had no vocabulary when it came to the German language neither. So his solution which made me embarrassed for him, was just to shout louder to make himself heard. This one he bellowed. He pointed to the glass and the lady followed his lead and eventually after much gesticulation on his part, the whole shop knew what he wanted. 

"Tourists!" I sighed.

When it came to my turn i had the chance to use the German vocabulary that I studied over. I was self concious but I couldn't do worse than the ignoramus before me. I bought a simple but beautiful box of chocolate with two tiers for £11. It was the most that I had ever spent on chocolates then and now. It was beautifully wrapped with a red bow and striking box. Each chocolate was individually wrapped too. I was happy with my bounty. I also bought some Easter eggs for my friend Louise and Diane. We went again for a meal and I saw the old ladies again but then we returned back to Heidelberg and headed home. Heavy hearted, I realised that all too soon, it was time to pack. This trip was coming to an end. My rose had passed it's life and I painstakingly washed the glass vessel that had been its home. And at this point there was probably in the emotions of love, fear and sadness all culminated into tears  which meant that I just couldn't hold it together. Stephan found me pouring my heart out in the bedroom. I think it was clear to everyone in the household how much love was in storage in my heart for Dionisis. It was heartfelt, it was genuine, it was overflowing right now and they were kind. They were reassuring. I loved him and wanted it to always be like this.

What I hadn't realised at the time, but when I reflect on it now, Dionisis for me was Husband material. I joked about it but I really had no agenda at the time that I was truly conscious of. I was looking put roots down with. Dionisis' agenda was like Alexandros'. Alex had told me at 17 that he had a long term goal of marrying at 30, someone younger, having finished focusing so much on the study path he was on. It was his Father's sentiments being spouted out of a 17 year old mouthpiece. They say you cannot put an old head on young shoulders. In Alex's circle you could and it didn't feel like a path to much happiness. It felt like an obligated path that sort parental approval that resulted in a reprise of dissatisfaction. As for my predicament I held up till now an incongruent and very different philosophy for society as a whole when it comes to consideration of the body clock ticking. What no one talks either was how that same biological clock also has a limit for men too. There was temporary consolation but no real guidance for me as to what to do next. All these emotions bubbled out right now in grief and tears.

The agenda was more in the forefront of my mind than his but it was true to say that I had set my cap at Dionisis. To me he had everything; and for all those things, I could see myself with him as my long term companion. The reason I was crying so hard was that I realised this was crunch time and he had already finished with someone who had moved away. I just had to hope he could see this revelation too and was too happy with me, not to let me pass him by. Time would tell. But I wanted the outcome to be favourable to me, after all we had shared together. I hoped it was as significant to him as it was to me.

It was time to go. At 1545 I was travelling back to the airport on the Lufthansa bus service. I planned to buy postcards in the airport. It was bye, bye to Heidelberg. I rang my Mum and then with a heartfelt sadness I said a temporary goodbye to my dearest, darling Dionisis. By 2020 I collected my luggage and waited for Dad and Lesley to pick me up. I found out from Mum when I rang, that Ali McGregor at 12 pm and rang again on Sunday. He was keen, I thought but the polish was gone and given that I'd had such a journey it was time for bed. It did seem a bit strange though with Ali because he always showed interest and made the effort which I wasn't used to. It was nice and it was flattering I guess. But my heart was full without any desire or capacity to find room for him.