Lost

All is done

Over the past few months I found myself working a lot more. I hated this time of year because it's another year April has been gone. This was probably the hardest thing I ever had to face. Sitting in front of my children telling them their mother died.

I gathered every photo, any old videos, and just old stuff I could find of April. But, I came across Justice stuff as well. How do I explain two deaths to my children? My heart couldn't bare this pain, the memories, or even thinking about it.
I took a deep breathe and sat everything out as neatly as possible. I decided that if I was going to tell them about their mother, I might as well tell them about their sister as well.

"Jaylah, Jayson, Jaylon!" I shouted from the stairs. I could feel my heart racing and palms sweating. My mind felt pressured because it couldn't handle knowing it was time.
I took a seat on the couch and my children followed.
They instantly took interest in the old pictures of their mother. "This is her..."
"Yes, that's your mother. Her name was April." I smiled looking at her picture.
"She was beautiful."
"This is us when she was pregnant. Wow! Her tummy was so big. Was she always in the hospital?"
"Yes, because holding three children was a very risky pregnancy. The doctors wanted to make sure you guys were ok." I smiled.
"I can't believe this! Look at this Jaylah." They laughed seeing themselves taking a bath together.
"You guys loved bubble baths. By the time it was time for you all to get out, all the water was on the floor." I joked.

They continued to look at the pictures talking amongst each other laughing and smiling.

"What happened to her Dad?" Jayson asked.

All eyes were on me.

Am I ready?

Yes. Tell them John. You got this.

I looked at them and I stood up. My eyes filled with tears I couldn't hold it in any longer. I looked away from my children because I didn't want them to see me in this kind of state of mind. I dried my face up with a tissue and looked at them.

"You're mother passed away...many years ago. You guys were like babies at the time. I think about three or four. Not too sure."
It was quiet and they just looked at the pictures. "What happened to her though, how did she pass away?"
"Umm.." my voice trembled as my mind raced. I didn't know what to tell them. But, I felt like the right thing to do was to tell the truth.
"She took her own life. We got into an argument, it was so much going on. We had lost our fourth child, Justice, and it turned our lives upside down." I showed them a picture of Justice. "I don't recall when we lost Justice, she was just a baby. But, when we lost our daughter, it caused our marriage to fall apart, April was in and out of rehab due to her mental health. She wanted to take her life away, and I tried...I did my best to be there. Thinking I could just wipe away all our pain with work, traveling, and stuff. I was hurting as well, I didn't know what to do...I wanted my wife back, I wanted our happiness back. I just wanted to be a good husband, I hid my pain, feelings, trying to make us all happy."

I looked down and took a seat on the couch. "I messed up...Your dad messed up. Because I was too focused on trying to push everything away and moving on, instead of being there emotionally and mentally for each other. I was lost, confused, hurt....Justice death took the life out of the both of us. April couldn't take it anymore, she left, and I watched her take her last breath in my arms. I don't know how I'm making it now. Jaylah is as close as I ever get to hugging, hearing April's laugh, and seeing her beautiful smile in person. As close as I get to see Justice grow into a beautiful young lady..."

By this time I was in tears and I didn't care. I looked at the kids and I smiled. "She was amazing...You guys loved Mama so much. I know you guys don't remember, but I hope these pictures and videos help you have a glimpse of your mothers love. I'm sorry for hiding it all these years, but as you can tell now this isn't a easy topic. Their death is so painful."
"How did our baby sister pass?"
I could hear the hurt in his voice. I could see all the pain in their faces that they weren't taking this easy at all.
"Car accident.." I said. I didn't want to tell them about the whole situation with Cal and April. Now that I think about it, that was terrifying shit April had to go through.

"I'm going to go upstairs. I can't be around this right now."
The three of them hugged me and I hugged them back. "We love you Dad. We're sorry for being a pain about this."
"We didn't know it was this tragic."
"I know, it's ok. You guys just wanted to know, but I wanted to wait until you guys were old enough to process it all. Because it's a lot and I seen every bit of it. The memories haunt me, good and bad. But, it's important to me that you see nothing but the good. Because she loved each and everyone of you. You guys were her everything. Even though she took her life, it had nothing to do with you. Your mother went through a lot even before she met me. We can talk about those things another time."
I kissed their heads and wiped away any tears that had fallen from their faces.

I went upstairs into my room shutting the door behind me. I went to my dresser where I had some of April's favorite pieces of clothing. I grabbed one of her shirts taking a deep smell of her scent. I held it close to my chest crying. I threw myself on the bed, curled myself up, and hugged it tightly.

"I miss you so much...God I just wish you were here. I'm so sorry." I cried.

As a man, we're told to not show any emotions. Especially when it comes to crying...
But, my wife and my daughter could definitely make my heart as soft as cotton. I lost so much that I didn't know what else to do with myself.

I lost my first ex-wife, my current wife who I refuse to let go, and lastly my daughter.
The only thing that kept me going were the triplets and I thank god for them because I wouldn't be able to survive my thoughts alone.