sapnap x reader

anxiety

anxiety sucked. i was with some of my best friends and i still worried about what they would think of me. i was going to go hang out with alex, jack, niki, will and everyone else. i don't know why i was so nervous. maybe i was funnier over vc and not in real life. sitting on the roof was calming. even though the thought of someone coming up behind me was in my brain, i loved the cold air. i loved moonlight. i loved the noise of crickets, the sound of the trees moving around in the wind. i loved the outdoors. i had been sitting out there for maybe an hour, 'it's time to go inside' i crawled back through my window.

i looked around the house. i looked down the stairs and saw the boys on the couch, i couldn't tell if they were sleeping or not. i crept down the stairs, i didn't want to wake them, if they were asleep. and i didn't want them to notice me, if they were awake.

" hey ammie. what are you doing?"

'ugh, i have been caught.'

i look over and see nick staring at me. clay and George were both asleep. "oh nothing, just can't sleep." you liar. you were up on the roof the whole time like a fucking loner. "yeah i cant sleep either, probably shouldn't have taken that nap." he gestures for me to sit down by him. i curl up beside him. "sorry about today, and yesterday." i say to him. "hey," he cups his hand around my cheek, "it's okay, you have nothing to apologize for." we pull up the movie 'the descent' on nicks laptop. the credits start rolling and i look over at nick. he's sleeping so peacefully. it was around 3 am. i still couldn't sleep. we were finally going to the air bnb tomorrow. i finally was going to see niki again. me and niki have been friends for a little over a year. i told her everything and she did the same. i had met her once before, when i went to germany.

what if she hates me. did i do something to her. did i do something to any of them. wait when are we meeting up. what time is it now. what if she doesn't want to be friends. what if no one does

my mind was going 100 miles per hour. thoughts racing through my brain. i couldn't stop worrying about what would happen. i curled up holding myself. i couldn't stop thinking about the worst possibilities. i had the chills. tears were rolling down my cheeks. my chest hurt and i felt light headed. i heard something. someone. someone was talking to me.

"amethyst. amethyst."

"it's okay amethyst. your safe. you're in your house. it's clay and george."

i felt something on my shoulder. i look over. clay and george were staring at me. i wipe the tears off my cheeks and rest my head in the pillows. "i'm sorry. i-don't know what happened."

"it's okay amethyst. me and clay will go get you some water."  i nodded in response.

                                   clay pov

"what happened to her george?"

"she was having a panic attack- or anxiety attack i don't know."

"is- is she okay?"

"i mean... she should be. she's probably worried about meeting everyone."

we walk back out of the kitchen. amethyst was sitting on the couch with her feet on the ground. her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands.

"look um... i'm really sorry i didn't mean to wake you guys up."  amethyst was still crying.

"it's okay, you have nothing to apologize for."

i handed her water and sat down by her, george sitting down beside her. "i'm fine guys go back to bed. i just- nevermind."

me and george look at each other. nick gets up and looks at us. "what's going on?"

she looks at all of us. "look, i'm fine. there's nothing going on. i'm just going to go sleep. goodnight." she handed me the glass and walked back upstairs.

"wait amethyst" "wait-" "amethyst-"

she was already upstairs.

"what happened?"

"she had an anxiety attack or something, we woke up to her crying."

                               (your pov)

i was sitting on the top of the stairs still. i didn't want them to keep asking about what was wrong, it was ruining the trip. i just wanted to have fun. its going to better with more people. i'm happy they care, but we couldn't go a few hours without them worrying about if i ate or if i had a panic attack. it's your fault amethyst

MAJOR TW// self harm

i go into the bathroom. i grab the scissors. just do it. feel something. i cut my skin with the scissors. but it felt good? shit. nick, clay and george are so concerned with me already, if they see this they are going to put me in a fucking mental hospital. i wipe away the blood and put a bandaid and a scrunchies to cover it up. i lay down on my bed. ugh what did i just do.

(860 words) sorry this story is getting a little dark oops. also i don't rly have any motivation to write