sounds of a whale → junhao

五

     minghao did not have a happy childhood. not like he did not have any friends, or that he had been suffering from any kind of disability, however, middle school had been a very complicated period, leaving a bitter mark that has yet to disappear. he had left school full of hangs-up, about his weight, his preferences for sweets, his love for reading, his passion for classical music, his smile that shows up his gums when he was laughing too much, his tininess, his lack of endurance while working out. he had arrived in high school afraid, a brand new shyness taking him under control every time someone would talk to him, his smile frozen into a sulky pout, scared that he would be laughed at again. he had withdrawn into his music course and all kind of classes that would allow him to study those composers he had always been fascinated by. among them all, minghao loved Jean-Sebastian Bach's regularity and his rigour, who had brought back to life lost astronauts in 2001, A Space Odyssey, by Kubrick. sometimes, like them et like Indochine, he felt like a "cat on Mars who would never come back on Earth". he still was not talking to anyone.

     thus, when he had been into a flirt like wen junhui, he could not believe it. all this seemed to him like a huge joke, like the ones when he was alone in middle school and girls would make fun of him, pretending they were in love with so they could reject him better. the boy would cover him with thoughtfulness, all of them more unlikely than the other. he was always making sure to walk him over when it was obvious minghao was too scared to take the subway at night after their courses, always asked for extra cream while ordering a coffee and giving him his own colours when minghao finally dared to eat his in front of him. jun was weird, completely crazy, had thought minghao. crazy for wanting to be stuck with him when there were a thousand more interesting people out there. it was not like jun could have any troubles in the world, he had thought, with a pretty prince charming like a face like his.

     since it was obviously a bad joke, minghao had taken nothing seriously. he had been on the defensive during many days, a provocative look on his face, judging jun all the time, trying to make himself unbearable so that he would give up quickly, not being able to believe a person... like him could have wanted to be close to him. he had made fun of him. his jokes, his puns, his habits, his clumsiness. he had growled at him that he should stop staring at him, that he was looking like a fish out of the water – the truth not really far from his cutting remarks as jun really was breathless sometimes, which never failed to make minghao uncomfortable.

     however, jun had kept on stick-on, answering to his defiance look with an unbreakable obstinacy, so that he would believe him.

"Don't you have friends to see? Real ones?"

"That's what I'm doing here."

"Leave me alone, jun, I don't wanna eat in front of you."

"You don't like eating in front of people?"

"... No."

"So I can finish your plate?"

"jun! Get out of my table!"

"I won't look at you. Promise."

     ignoring the anxiety rising at the bottom of his stomach, filling him so much he almost lost his appetite, minghao had started to eat, swallowing his tears. he had eaten slowly, with difficulty, standing up with pride against this intruder with all his strength. he had been strong for long minutes, stuck up in a church worthy silence while jun was keeping himself busy with a book taken in the library, without any other pressure than his suffocating presence. minghao wanted to scream. he had the feeling that, like every time he was eating with someone, his throat was tightening each time he tried to swallow, fighting against nausea becoming more and more powerful. nevertheless, he had eaten everything. his fist tight and tears in his eyes. and when he had put down his forks, jun had raised his eyes to him, took a tissue and wiped off the tears, without any word.