ELBINA 2

Chapter 13

I groaned when the pole flicked into my shin again, finally managing to get it into the slot. Now that the sun was dying on the day, we'd found a campsite off the trail. It overlooked the rocky ground surrounding the hill we sat on, the one we'd taken all day climbing. It took much longer than we hoped, I couldn't stop coughing up mucus and Lucas was still limping. Having to lean most of his weight onto Fallen towards the top.
My chest rattled when I breathed the more the cold closed in and it burned a little more than it should.
We were all a mess, keeping our heads down whenever we passed another walker. Thankfully, there weren't many of them. I glanced across the campsite, towards the entrance where there sat another tent. What with it being winter, the lack of people camping worked in our favour now.
I started pinning the tent down, reminding myself of one of the camping trips I'd taken with Jake after he'd passed his exams. The whole tent collapsed that night, having dug the pegs the wrong way into the ground, they came out the minute that the wind picked up. I remember how angry he was, throwing me out into the rain to fix it. It only brings a sad smile to my face now, even if I'd normally cry with laughter at the memory.
A fresh cold wind throws my hair in my face when I stand up from the final peg, Fallen had already set up his own tent. I can see them already surrounding the designated fire pit, setting up the fire as Lucas just sits on the log beside it, watching Fallen.
I sit myself down at the entrance to my set up tent, too scared and uncomfortable to walk over to them. They don't want me there and I don't blame them. I bring my knees up to my chest, circling my arms around them as I lay my chin on my knees. Staring off into nothing, the scenes from last night flickering through my head. Each one hitting me in the chest like a knife.
I adjusted my head to wipe my cheeks against my jeans, probably smearing some remnant of mud onto my skin from the material but at this point, I didn't really care.
Instead, I try to remove the thoughts by looking out at the view in front of me. The sun is hidden behind thick clouds now, barely providing much light at all and I know it's going to be a cold night just by the shine of the patches of grass surrounding me. All sure to frost over by the morning as it had done today. In the distance I can make out a large reservoir, peaking out past the drop in the hill ahead of me. There's barely any trees from what I can see, all low grass and weeds that line the land, streams and rivers reflect off the last of the light that reach through and seem to carve it's path through the hills.
I didn't like being the odd one out this time, I thought it would be me and Lucas making our way through all this, that as long as we stuck together then we'd be fine. But that's not the case, if any of the looks he gave me today were anything to go by.
I sit there until all that's left of the light is the low glow of the fire to my left, the flames licking at the air above it. Their faces lit by the orange light as they spoke to each other and I turned my head away. Afraid they might see me looking.
I deserved to cower away, to feel as guilty as I do. I know it was a mistake, it's not the first I've made in my life. I say stupid things in a temper too often.
"Elbina." I jolt my head up, my toes frozen in my boots so I crunch them harshly to resemble feeling back in them. Fallen is above me, jolting his head to the fire and saying nothing else. I contemplate ignoring him and not moving, to crawl into the tent and not look back, but I also don't want to cause a further argument.
So I nod my head and pull myself up from the floor, following him to the fire and sighing quietly when I feel the warmth of it the closer I get. I sit down beside Lucas; he only acknowledges me quickly before eating out of his can. Huddled as close as he can to the fire to absorb its heat, his hat pulled tightly over his head that I can barely see where his hat ends, and his coat begins.
I pick up the soup can from Fallen who holds it out to me, now taking sips from his own tin with a spoon. It's the most tense feeling, even if the hot food hit my stomach in a good way.
"We should pass Black hill and cow green reservoir tomorrow. We'll head to Penrith." He keeps turning his head to the one other camper in the campsite, but they're nowhere to be seen.
He seems to only be talking to me, as if he and Lucas have already spoken about this and I was just being brought into the loop.
"Okay." I take another slow and steady gulp of the soup, savouring it. I drop the spoon so it rests in the can. Staring hard at it when I speak again.
"What are we doing when we get there?"
"We need to pass over the motorway, Dumfries and Galloway is on the opposite side of it to us. Then we'll head north." He says and it's the closest thing to normal I'd had before last night. I don't say anything more, even though I feel uncomfortable with the idea of going closer to civilization.
We sat there for a while longer, Fallen occasionally stoking the fire and adding more firewood that they collected. Until Lucas stumbles up, mumbling about going to sleep, his shoulder brushing with mine just slightly as he stands. I watch him go, too afraid to say anything to him when he already looks tired enough.
He limps away, albeit less so than he had done the previous days. He was improving but that didn't mean this entire journey wasn't taking it out of him. He eventually disappears into the depths of the tent, dragging in a sleeping bag behind him before zipping up the front. I'm left there, sitting opposite Fallen in the deadest of silences.
I try to concentrate on my soup, I try to enjoy the feeling of food in my stomach. Except I keep inadvertently glancing up at Fallen and every time I do, I see his worn out face. Staring off into oblivion and looking like he'd happily jump right into it.
I keep looking at him across the fire, he doesn't notice and I'm glad because it gives me time to analyse everything about him. Looking at him is also accompanied by the memory of my words and how he looked at me, and so the feeling of guilt intensifies.
"I'm sorry." I say it before I even think better of it, now he looks up at me with surprise before it quickly morphs into one of distaste. Like he can't believe I would even try, like it doesn't make a difference. I continued anyway. "I didn't mean any of it."
He drops the can in his hand to the floor, grabbing one or two more branches to throw onto the fire between us. They catch easy enough, blackening gradually with the flames whilst I wait for him to respond.
He shakes his head at me when he does. "Then why say it?"
"I was angry, it was too much for me to handle." It was stupid but I couldn't think of anything better. Truthfully I wasn't sure why I said what I did, except I knew nothing I was going to say would make it any better, my words only seem to make it worse.
"And you think you're the only one that finds this too much!?" He hisses at me, breathing heavily and fidgeting with his hands too much.
"Do you think I'm not completely out of my depth!?" His voice cracks. "Do you think seeing them like that didn't affect me!?" He wipes under his eye harshly, pressing his palms to his eyes after to try and stem the tears. I open my mouth, then I close it. I do it again and again looking at him whilst he tries to bring himself together.
"No, I didn't think, I-" He jumps in, removing his hands from his face when he glares at me through blurry eyes.
"You didn't think!" It comes out louder than I thought it would, I jump back in my position, straightening and tensing my back when he lowers his voice again. "You like to think I'm doing this to fuck up your lives, but your lives were already fucked before I showed up. I'm just the one who saved you from being killed right off the bat."
He quietens, picking up the can from the floor again. "I'm the one that gave you a chance."
"I'm sorry." It's sincere and I mean it, but it doesn't seem like it to Fallen. He stands up suddenly and can barely look at me. His voice deepens when he drops his head, shoulders hunched over.
"And I don't fucking want it, not anymore." He begins to walk away; I panic because if he walks away then I might never get a chance to make this right.
"You have to, please... You can't hate me forever!" I say to him and he pauses in his step. Turning only slightly, it's so quiet between us that the crackling of the fire is loud, popping occasionally beside me. The orange glow lit up the side of his face but it's still hard to see what he's really thinking.
"Sometimes I forget that you're just a kid. That you haven't matured enough, for any of this."
"Fallen-" He cuts me off, fully turning to me now.
"You're immature and self-absorbed, Elbina. The world doesn't revolve around you! Other people experience pain and suffering just like you and to think you can go around saying anything you like just to make yourself feel better, to feel less guilty." I can only watch him, frozen in my spot. "It doesn't mean you should."
He pauses for a second before he takes a step towards me, aggressively pointing a finger in my direction and I want to veer backwards away. "It makes you weak." One more step closer. "It makes you a coward and a bastard."
I want to cry; I swallow the lump in my throat. I don't know what to say, so I end up just repeating myself.
"I'm sorry." My voice cracks this time.
"And saying sorry doesn't fix anything! Saying sorry doesn't remove the feeling I got when I had Dan's blood on me, the blood that you pushed me into."
"I'm sorry." Why do I keep saying that? Why can't I think of anything else to say?
"STOP FUCKING SAYING THAT!" I shake in my spot when he screams at me. I can't look away from him even as spots of spit land on my cheeks from the sheer fury raging through him. "JUST STOP IT." My breaths shallow when his entire face is lit by the fire, so I can see the tears soaking his cheeks and the horrible broken expression on him. Screwed into such an uncomfortable position it looks like it gives him physical pain.
"I DON'T WANT IT AND IT DOESN'T MAKE ANYTHING BETTER!"
The silence after rides out, he glares at me for an eternity before he glances up to look behind me. Surveying the area as he wipes his face harshly, letting out a shaky breath as he pulls himself together, pointing out another hand and it shakes in the air when he aims it at me. My hands clench even further around the metal can, so much that I can feel it mould just slightly under the pressure.
"You need to grow up, and fast." He doesn't say anything else after that, he turns away and walks to his tent, climbing in. He doesn't look back and I contemplate following him. To make him forgive me but he's already zipped it up and hidden himself away.
********
I didn't know what time it was when the fire eventually died out. All I knew was that I stared at it for the entire time and even when it did die out, and there was no heat left to soak into my toes, I still sat there.
He was right of course. About everything.
I briefly contemplated just walking on, alone. I gave myself so many reasons to do it. To protect them, to stop being a burden and maybe the fact that they'd both be better off without me.
I didn't walk on though, that martyr idea wasn't great and splitting us up would do nothing but make this more complicated. I was scared too... but that doesn't matter, we all are.
The rain started to fall, I heard it off in the distance, smashing against the ground and the bushes. Growing closer to me until I felt them land on my outstretched hands. I didn't mind at first, enjoying the weather that aligned with my mood, until it started to become torrential.
"Ella!" I jolted my head up, a light emitting from where our tents were. I squint my eyes against it when I look over, I know it's Lucas when he speaks again.
"Get in here now." Even the way he says it makes me want to stay exactly where I am for the rest of the night. It'll keep me awake and that way I can keep an eye on all of us.
I can hear the zip go further and I see the movement of the flashlight as he tries to adjust himself. I stood up immediately, striding over to stop him exerting himself any further today.
I duck my head against the onslaught of rain and feel it bounce off my waterproof jacket, soaking my hair and skin.
By the time I get to the tent I'm completely soaked, like the entire of the lake was dumped on me in the space of a minute. I rip off my boots, tucking them just inside on top of the bag's.
I slip in and it's so tight in here that I'm practically climbing all over Lucas to get into a position beside him. I keep muttering sorry to him, he only stays quiet trying to keep out of my way.
"Here." I jumped when his hand tugs at my jacket zip, pulling it down as I only stared, shrugging out of it. He's placed the flashlight so I can see him, keeping an eye on exactly what he's doing and not glancing up at me at all. He grabs my jumper in his hands and checks for wetness but it's quite dry so he only puts the jacket on the bags behind me, leaning slightly closer to me as he does.
"Jeans." I look at him in question.
"What about them?"
"Take them off." I shake my head but then my eyes widen when he reaches for my waist to grab at the belt. I push him back, embarrassed.
"Okay! I've got it." I undo the belt and the zip, having to raise my hips in the tiny space to wiggle it off and with it being wet it takes much longer then I'd like. Grunting occasionally which only adds to the awkwardness of the tent.
Finally, I manage to get them off, placing them on top of the bags again in hopes they might dry out by the morning.
I shivered, the cold biting at my legs and he felt it, opening up his side of the bag and gesturing me to climb in. Reluctantly I did.
He sucked in a breath from the movement his arm had to make, to allow me through. My back pressed into his chest as his warmth soaked into mine. He still had on his jeans, which scratched against the hairs on my legs.
Normally I'd feel better with him, with the comfort but it only made me feel suffocated now.
Suffocated under the pressure of his obvious disappointment, and he was disappointed in me, I didn't need to ask him to know that.
We settled into position, his arm wrapped around my waist, only curling his fingers through my jumper. He's not squeezing, just resting it there and keeping me close.
My breathing rattled with the phlegm on my chest, vibrating against it when I breathed in and out.
Sleep evaded me and eventually I can hear his even breathing behind me, but I still spoke into the dark. Half hoping that he wouldn't hear me and that I was just talking to myself.
"Do you think he'll forgive me?"
He's so quiet that I'm not sure if he's even still awake. I hold a breath, moulding my cheek further into the makeshift pillow. Lucas' exhales tickle the back of my neck, he releases a large breath before he mutters a quiet response.
"I wouldn't hold my breath."
"Thanks for the confidence boost."
"I'm just being honest." It's matter of fact, he shifts behind me and I feel more of him in contact with me. I shiver again, but it's still from the cold.
"I know."
It's quiet for a little longer except this time I know he wants to say something else. I can just feel it, somehow in the darkness I know he wants to speak again and I'm nervous waiting for him.
"What you said Ells - " He breathes out long, trying to formulate the words. I close my eyes, I know he's upset with me and I'd hoped he wouldn't have gone into this. "It was so wrong."
"I know." Me and repeating my words tonight is getting on my nerves. I can't function properly anymore and I'm too scared to say anything else. Like my brain is slowly becoming defected, reverting back to my childlike ways, if the previous word didn't sound too bad then I could keep saying it, right?
And somehow even when I know that isn't the case, I still repeat it. I'm screaming at myself to stop it, to think before I speak but the other half of my brain decides better than me. It's stupid.
"Do you!? It was vicious." My throat burns when he says it, I dig my cheek further into the material. Biting on my inner cheek when I listen to his words. "I've never seen you like that. I don't want to see you like that ever again." He's telling me, like a demand. I don't mind because I don't want that either.
"I'd never been so angry in all my life. After everything that happened, I hit my breaking point. You can't deny that everything revolves around Fallen, it was easy to blame him. I'm not saying it was right, I know that... I wish I could take back every single thing I said."
"But after seeing what happened to you, to Halley and Dan, after killing that man. I wanted him to hurt as much as I do." I know he's shaking his head at me, through the blackness and even through the heavy rain pelting the tent around us, I can hear it moving against the pillow. Moving it so my head feels the movement too and I can feel his fingers grip at my jumper tighter when he shuffles closer to me. His mouth is closer to my ear now so I hear each word loud and clear.
"You didn't see him when he first saw them Ella. Believe me, he hurts as much as us... probably more."
"And he wasn't wrong either." He paused before clarifying. "What he said before. You can't take back words, which is why what you did was so wrong."
"This isn't the first time you've done something like this. Remember Thomas? What you said then." He says it like it was such a distant memory when really it was only a month or so ago. But I do remember, of course I do.
"You seem to forget everyone when you get overwhelmed. And I hope it's a case of immaturity. I really do... because I don't like it in you. Not one bit."