How Not to Vampire - Season 1

2. Friends in Low Places

Listen to the audio reading on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/4pkQ0XazZpJtUrgz7Bfqu8?si=Q2V1tdQXTaiELVdNRocgZA

Pro-Tip for Humans #7:  the secret lives of friends should remain secret.

So there I was, dragged out of bed by two drug dealers with a gun shoved in my face. And just to add a little spice to the evening, my girlfriend was then threatened with death by being shot in the face. Just my luck, right? Must be a Tuesday.

The love of my life and possibly very-soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend Jaime turned to look at me at Tanya's death threat, her face twisted with rage and disgust.

There are only so many things you can say in a situation like this and none of them are good. When someone is threatening to kill your girlfriend unless you give up the drugs that you're hiding in your apartment, don't be a dick.

I tried to reason with Tanya. "How about you guys just let Jaime go, and I'll get you anything you want?"

Tanya was far from being reasonable. "Give us the drugs."

"Julio will murder me," I pleaded, looking between her and Doreen. Surely one of them had to see how stupid this whole thing was.

Tanya scoffed. "Sounds like a 'you problem' to me, cuz I'm going to murder you." She cocked the gun dramatically. "Drugs now."

I glanced at my pissed-off girlfriend and tried one more time. "Let her go and I'll tell you where they are."

"I'm going to put a bullet in her face at the count of three," Tanya helpfully pointed out. "One..."

"Cupboard above the fridge," I muttered, not daring to look at Jaime this time. "There's a false back. Just give it a nudge."

"Keep an eye on them, sweetie," Tanya said to Doreen and backed away into the kitchen. She found the step-ladder next to the fridge and quickly set it up to rummage through the cupboard.

"Drugs Bob?" Jaime hissed at me. "Fucking drugs?"

"I can explain--"

"Can you really? Because two women in the apartment with guns looking for drugs is really fucking hard to explain."

"You're absolutely right," I admitted. "This I can't explain."

I glanced over my shoulder at the well-muscled Doreen and she tried to glower at me but she really wasn't very good at it.

"Psst! Doreen!" I hissed. "Give us a break here will ya?"

Doreen shook her head. I realized after a moment that Jaime was glaring at me.

"You know each other?" Jaime asked dumbfounded.

Doreen waved and smiled awkwardly. "You must be Jaime," she said, "Bob talks about you all the time. I'd shake your hand, but you know: working! And besides, you might punch me."

I wanted to sink into the floor under the strength of Jaime's laser glare. I thought I had seen her mad before but this was on another level like I was fucking dead no matter what happened kind of level.

"Tanya and Doreen run drugs for Julio," I mumbled.

That one caught Jaime by surprise.

"Wait, Julio? From upstairs? He's a drug dealer?"

"It's always the quiet ones," I observed. "You never see it coming."

Tanya climbed down from the ladder, holding the four plastic-wrapped bricks of heroin that Julio had left in my care about a week ago. Each block had been clearly labelled in black Sharpie "JULIO'S HEROIN," to prevent any confusion. I had pointed out to him that it implicated the shit out of him if I got caught with them. He had, in turn, pointed out to me that he was going to murder me if I got caught, so I had more incentive to stay out of trouble.