searching of my amirah seeking of true love

changes in imaan

Sometimes I felt I was doing sins in my life." I thought I can spritualy become strong if someone stand my side."
But my life became darker . Sometimes I felt light of my heart became so low. In those time my imaan getting so lesser . Even I got strange feelings . I felt I didn't wanna live anymore . Because I didn't had anything in my life to live.
Those like feelings gave me so much pain I tried to overcome from them .
But I didn't want to live a life like that. I didn't had any idea about what to do🥺💔. For forget them I tried to sleep whole day . But I had responsibility to take care of my nephew. But I  didn't forget my responsibility . I only do that thing all the day except that I slept.
I felt so much sadness. By that I felt I want to die😖. But in Islam there is no permissible to die our self or kill someone . A little imaan made me alive if not I had died. Because I became so weaker in my imaan .
Again I felt dead inside. I had got hungry and sleepy .but I didn't felt any feelings except that . Sometimes felt me as a living zombie😖.
I tried to overcome from the problem that problem. I told always myself that " I can move on and find my peace and imaan again" .
Days passed nothing changed .
In my life Quran was always boost my imaan . And give my feelings back.Then I just put my hand free and layed in bed.  I listened to the Quran. While I was listen to Quran  .my eyes became filled by the tear. When I felt broken or dead inside always those tears only cured me. I cried to Allah. I didn't had anyone to share my sadness. Also there was no one could give me the solution to my problems except Allah. But sometimes my sins took me away from me and made me broken.
I tried to avoid them. But in some point I lost my control in myself. That is the painful moment which I couldn't overcome. Then I was so ashamed of me.
I questioned " what is the difference between me and others?
Am I a true muslim?
Why I am always behaving like this?"
But after those crying and tears . I backed in to normal. I tried to increase my prayers because I was needed imaan before saying about the Islam to others. Two three days made me again that hopeful person. Trustful person.🥺
Then that day I was start studying the bachular of information technology. Then I went the virtual learning environment of BIT . but it was so hard to use the internet inside the boading because of less coverage sometimes I took so bored because it takes minutes to load a single page😖. Then I didn't had anything to do. Also the semester one exam came near to me . I became afraid too. But I have no idea about studying. But I spent some time to study too.
I started taking short notes in the subjects.In that time I was not much good in English.Then I studied the English too.
Also I increased my Dua for getting success in future. But still I had faith in my dreams. I prepared myself again for telling about the Islam to people again. Also I did start it again.
Also I did got ignorance but I didn't care about that much now. But I felt little sadness. But I didn't stop my words. Again I find new characters in my life.