Resurfacing

Chapter 29:

"When did you talk to Aiden, Riley?"

Ezra's irritated blue eyes narrowed as the jealousy consumed him. I was so stupid. This was not how I wanted to let him know Aiden stopped in to see me at work.

"He came by work last night." Ezra's hands tightened around my arms and I winced. He was digging his fingers into me like he wanted to crush me. I didn't like it when Ezra was rough with me like this. "Ezra, please take a breath. You're hurting me."

I tried to remain calm even though I wanted to lose it too. Losing my temper wasn't going to help the situation. Ezra was still really fragile right now; the drugs he used had manipulated a lot of his emotions. I knew he was struggling to keep himself under control.

"I told you to stay away from him. You let him fuck you last night, didn't you?" His light eyes were almost black. He didn't even blink as he stared down, accusing me of something he should know that I would never do to him. His face was twisted as his whole body shook.

"Ezra, we just talked. I told him I love you and I will always love you. I mean it, I would never do that to you." I leaned my forehead against his chest, feeling his heart racing in anger. He was wound up way too tight over this. I breathed against him and silently begged him to respond to me. My arms were burning from where his fingers were digging into me.

"Fucking go get ready." He hissed through clenched teeth. His body still didn't relax against me. He was still too angry with me. I was hoping he calmed down before we got on the road. I wasn't going to ride in a car with him like this. It reminded me too much of the night of the car accident. The parts I thought I remembered at least.

He pulled away from me and stormed off towards my room, leaving me standing naked and alone in the kitchen. He slammed my bedroom door behind him, causing me to jump back. There was a heavy thud from the room, which sounded like he was trying to put another hole in my apartment. He was going to tear the place apart and there was nothing I could do to stop him.

I forced myself to move to the bathroom to take a shower and get ready. I looked at myself in the mirror as another loud crash came from my room. My eyes were heavy and filled with hurt. I looked down where his hands were and saw little red marks forming at the tops of my arms. I was very pale and knew they would bruise. I would have to wear long sleeves the whole weekend to hide them. I couldn't let his Mom see the marks her son put on my skin.

My hand moved to my stomach, wanting to hold the baby I lost. What just happened reminded me of how bad everything was before he left. I wondered if Ezra was really trying to change or if I was fooling myself. Maybe I just hoped he was because I wanted him to be better so I could have him back again. When he snapped back into his rage like this, I felt like nothing was different and I was being naïve for thinking he could be better for me. I was starting to feel guilty for forgiving Ezra for what he did to me.

Could I ever get over this?

Should I?

Part of me knew what happened was an accident and he would take it back if he could. The other part of me told myself I was a terrible person for choosing to be with him when he was the reason we lost our baby. Was I just as addicted to him as he was to the drugs he filled his body with? When I couldn't answer my own question, I knew I was not ready to admit I had a problem too.

The steam of the shower billowed around me when I stepped in. The water was too hot, but I didn't care. I needed to feel something other than sorrow that kept creeping back into my thoughts. I closed my eyes as I let the water run over my hair and down my back. The sound of the water drumming against me took over my senses, drowning out Ezra's mania in my bedroom. I turned to lift my face to the water and rubbed my hands over my stomach, wishing I could still feel the baby growing inside of me just one more time.

I stood in the shower and let the sobs escape me. I couldn't keep them inside my body any longer. The skin on my stomach felt wrong and like it didn't even belong to me. My fingernails dug and tore at it, trying to rip it from my body. I deserved to get hurt for what I let happen to the baby that night. I wanted to burn and boil my skin until there was nothing left but the hole inside me. The hole I could never fill.

"Riley. Stop." Ezra reached into the shower and turned down the scalding water. He climbed into the shower behind me and tried to grab my arms as I continued to try to tear myself apart. I fought against him, trying to break free so I could hurt just a little more.

"I'm sorry, I am so sorry. Please forgive me." He placed his arms around me and held his hands, pinning my arms down so I couldn't move.

I cried as he held onto my stomach where our baby used to be. I felt his body begin shaking when he realized the real reason why I was crying. He buried his head into my hair and I felt him sobbing into me. We were mourning the little one we would never get to meet.

We stood there for a long time in silence until all our tears washed down the shower drain. We were holding each other up; if one of us moved, then the other would break. We needed each other to get through this.

"We can try again, Riley." Ezra spoke first, breaking the silence. He ran his hands over my stomach. My body stiffened, hoping he was not suggesting what I thought he was. He continued to rub my stomach like he was desperately trying to cradle something inside.

"Ezra, that's not a good idea right now." I had grown to love the baby growing in my stomach, but it was an accident we got pregnant in the first place. We were not ready then and still were not ready to be parents. He hasn't been clean for more than a couple of days and I was still not mature enough to even admit to everyone he was back. We couldn't repeat the same mistakes we made before.

"I want to give you back what I took from you. I want to show you how much I love you." He said, kissing my neck. "Please let me do this for you."

"Ezra, if it is meant to be, then it will happen again for us someday. We should work on us before we complicate things more. One step at a time. We have to figure out how to be better for each other before we can be good enough to take care of someone else."

I would never admit to him that I used to dream after the accident about letting Ezra get me pregnant again to replace the baby we lost. I thought it would fill the hole inside my heart. After some long therapy sessions, I figured out I couldn't replace my grief by covering it up. I needed to process it and accept that I couldn't change what happened. It didn't make it better, but it just was what it was.

With the drugs out of his system, Ezra was finally dealing with some of his issues he had tried to avoid for the last nine months. It broke my heart to think he was going through this. He had the added grief from knowing he told me he didn't want to be a father and that his actions resulted in my miscarriage. I can't imagine how his conscience was tearing into him right now.

"We need to get on the road. We are going to be late getting to your Mom's." I said, trying to change the subject.

"You're right." He sniffled one last time with his nose buried in my wet hair. "We should go."