DEAR DIARY

KNOW THY LIMIT

Dear Diary,

I don't think people realise how much strength it takes to pull own self out from a poisonous relationship with someone you love deeply. 

Five years ago I married him, he was my high school sweetheart. We married really soon i guess. I was only twenty one years old, I was so madly in love with him that I never realized that i am destroying myself. 

In first two years of my marriage it was perfect like, I was living like a queen. He loved me so much. Every weekend we used to go out, have fun. Randomly he used to surprise me with orchid  which I love a lot. He used to give me many surprises. our relationship was perfect.

But there is nothing perfect in this world. You can never be perfect. There are flaws and imperfection. I wasn't perfect and he wasn't either. But his flaws were dangerous.....

for me.

Every one have a limit. We, girls set our limits knowingly or unknowingly. I had my limits too. But they were pushed forward every time he hit me or beat me. I was in a relationship to be happy, to smile, to laugh and to make memories. Not to be constantly upset, to feel hurt and to cry. I had those happy moments but is this what happens in every relationship, was it destined that first two years I will be happy and then I will let my husband destroy me.

Three years, Three forking years I was there in that relationship thinking, hoping  that everything will be fine, I will be fine, our relationship will be fine and come back to it's usual self, because he loves me. But how wrong I was thinking that he loves me seems like he regreted marrying me and then on every problem he used to beat me, because in his twisted mind and according to his twisted facts I was at fault for everything bad happening to him.

The first time he hit me he was immedietely sorry, he swore it would never happen again. and I loved him madly, deeply, insanely. so I believed him. and i thought he is sorry for what he has done maybe in the heat of the moment and his other problem surfacing in his brain, he hit me. It was alright, it was not like I just died because of his one slap.

but....

The second time he hit me, he was even more sorry. And again I let it pass I thought, this is okay in a relationship a little fighting and hitting happens in every relationship. That day after so many weeks we went out we had a great dinner, he even brought orchids for me. 

You know I thought it was his way of showing how sorry he was. But now when I think about it I realized that this was his way of appreciating me for pushing my limits even further. His way of celebrating that now I will never leave him and how he have a punching bag in his house now.

The third time he hit me, no he didn't hit me. It was more like a beating, he slaped me, kicked me, he was drunk. I can never forget that beating. You know i always wanted to wear a leather belt, they so classy and beautiful, but I never thought I will wear it's mark permanently on my waist as scars......

And then you know what happened when he hit me the fourth time, it was just a slap. You know just a slap. the first thing I felt after that slap was relief that atleast this time he didn't beat me....

Seems like all these years I was in this illusion of him loving me if this was love then I don't want it. Every hit, every beating, every slap pushed my limit far away. Every time I chose to stay, it made the next time even harder to leave, eventually I lost sight of my limit. anddd it

Broke....

My limit broke.

And after so much suffering and destruction of myself I did something very bad. I don't know if is my fault or it just happened or is this just how this was supposed to happen. But now that it has happened I don't know how to feel should I feel relief, that my abuser just died in a car accident, or should I mourn over my husband's death or should I cry my eyes out that the love of my life has just died.

Seems like god was finally thinking in my favor. He finally freed me, and I still have a long way to go I am still pretty young. It's my time to explore this world which I left behind for someone who never respected or loved me the way I was deserved to be loved. and I am finally ready to break this illusion of me loving him. i have to set my foot in reality now. And I am very sure that in reality no true gentleman hits a girl, in reality no girl suffer because of a man, in reality girls can go out in the wee hours and no one will jeopardise her privacy.

Today at his funeral I was asked to speak some good things or words about him. But you know what I stood there and didn't say a word I refused to say any good thing about him. They thought I was in shock that I just lost my husband and how am I supposed to speak. But I am sure they know that I didn't freeze I just didn't want that man to have a warm,good and fake goodbye from me.

You know the officers never find out who was the one driving the car and I know they will never find out because I was careful to hide all the clues and proofs. I was the one driving the car, I hit that bastard with a car and guess what his first hit didn't kill but my first hit did kill him.

I killed him because I wanted to, because he deserves that. God may have forgotten me so I thought I have to take care of myself maybe god was busy. I refuse to feel guilty and I don't regret it.

I did it because I wouldn't want my daughter to go through this then why was I going through this. And I wanted to make a better, safe and beautiful house for my unborn child. I want to make a house for him/her where he/she will not watch me getting beaten up, where he/she will not need to cover his/her ears to block out the screams.

The problem was I thought it was a phase and it will change, evertime I gave him a chance I was in fact giving him the bullets for his gun because he missed me the first time. And I finally learnt that he was not good for me, no matter how much I loved him.

I knew my limits and I lost them, he never had limits with me he was limitless. And when my limit broke I was limitless and seems like that was a big blow for him.

So I here to tell everyone know thy limits, be limitless but only when you are not harming anyone. Be limitless for yourself for others when your helping others.