DEAR DIARY

WARMTH OF THE SUN

Dear Diary,

I cry. I cry when I am happy or sad or angry....

I cry at every emotion, because that's the way I am. I am sensitive maybe a little over.

I cried when I first got my periods, well not because  it was my first time or ewww I just got my periods but because I got my periods when I was attending my uncle's wedding and there it was I cried because I was embarrassed, I cried because there were other people there were relatives, I cried because I became a .........

I don't know what I became cause earlier I was a girl, a carefree girl who has only one thing to worry about and that was her mother, watching carefully not wanting her to catch her with all those sweets and chocolates which was given to her by her brothers.

But then everything just changed she now worry about everything, her clothes (maybe she should wear this or not), her hair(what will other think if she let her hair fly freely), her shoes( her shoes must be tidy at all times), her voice(her voice should be pleasant), her behaviour towards everyone. I agree there were changes in her body after she got her period but she didn't know that those changes will make her

insecure......

of her own body.

Now I am just a mess. My emotions are always all over the place. These years this "teenage" period is weird, it makes me cry and laugh at odd times. That carefree girl who once used to put her shoes on her head has disappeared now she has become a teenager, now she is a mess.

She is expected to be a perfect, she must have good marks, she must have her future set, her future once and for all planned. Her dreams can wait she should study to earn money and respect.

She is expected to talk to everyone, attend every social event party, she is expected to speak politely, she is expected to dance under the shadow of clouds she is expected to behave according to clouds she is expected to mould herself according to clouds because if she leaves the shadow of cloud she will get burnt from the hopeful rays of sun.

Seems like she which is me now balancing, dancing and moulding myself according to clouds will get crushed from the expectations before I even get to touch the hopeful rays of sun.

Since that period incident I have cried on many incidents, many a times I cry without a reason but I know there is a reason. It's just the emotions comes out of my eyes demanding to be seen.

You know some days ago my coffee mug broke it fall by me by mistake just near my legs. it didn't hurt me physically but looking at those shredded pieces of cup made my heart crunched and my mind just told me mockingly that "isn't it looks familiar" and I said "no they are just peices of my favourite cup" and it said "yeah well see it properly and remember, that just how these pieces are spread right now your heart will also be like this, just look at them this will be the condition of your over sensitive full of emotions pathetic heart". and I don't know what came over I just sat there looking at those peices crying till it was almost difficult to breath,

that night was really long I must say.......

I sometimes wonder if there is wrong with my lacrimal glands but I think there is something wrong with my thinking, people think I am just a crybaby and I seek attention and I hate to admit but i am a crybaby because it hurts I try to hide my true emotion so they find only one way to be seen which is in the form of tear, in anger I am afraid that i will say something to someone I love or respect and that I will regret saying that later so I cry because for me it's a better option to let others see that I too feel and because I feel I don't want you to feel bad for what I did or for what i might say.

I cry because it hurts not only my heart but my whole body to see someone in pain and agony. To think of something unbearable happening to someone more helpless than me and I couldn't do anything to help them.

When I think of all the bad things happening to several girls and boys, I think of that sun and my cloud cause if I leave my cloud I will be out under that sun which is beautiful warm and hopeful but also dangerous. It will give me blisters like many have got who left their clouds, it will give me pain but also that carefree girl back who will just keep a shoe on her head. It will give hardships and trouble continuing my path but I can still build a house for my self with love, happiness, respect and glory. That sun is my lord because I would love to take blisters over pathetic society. 

But you know what I refuse to cry over the fact that I am sensitive because I think I have something which most of the people in this world don't have 

FEELINGS....

and seriously a lot of it, if I must say. But you know what I am sensitive but bold, I won't hesistate to fight for rights may it be for me or for anybody else. I won't stop even though my heart is about to burst cause you know what I don't blame adernaline for picking up my heart race just because I am capable of doing or saying which most others people can't. 

I may again cry afterwards for doing or saying things which I shouldn't have said. but guess what I will never regret because I know I said I raised my voice because I felt it was wrong. 

For once I want to leave the stress behind,

For once I want to leave the pain behind,

For once I want to leave behind the coldness under the clouds,

For once I don't want to dance under the clouds,

For once I want be me,

For once I want to be of an irregular shape which doesn't need a mould,

For once I want to sit on the soft green grass,

For once I want to listen to the beautiful song sung by the nature,

For once I want to embrace the warmth of the sun and,

live.