DEAR DIARY

ONLY IF WE CAN UPDATE HUMANS

Dear Diary,

I am lost. There are people around me who are my family those people who think they know me better than i know myself. I know that they love me and care for me but does this love gave them the power to be my master and me their slave cause every time they just seem to dominate me on each and everything.

You know it is so easy to talk to you, I can tell you anything and you will never look at me with the judging eyes, I know you will never hate me. but if I tell them then I will become the abomination of the family.

And really I thought that this is what will happen if I come out to them. They will shout on me, beat me and eventually without telling anyone about this they will get me married.

And you know what that only happened, two weeks ago I gathered all my courage and during a family sitting I told everyone that that....

I knew it was going to be hard, but then to I decided to tell them. I forking knew the out come I forking knew what was going to happened to me. I kept on stalling but after some time my elder brother got irritated and shouted on me and in panic I didn't even realize when the words just dripped from my mouth. There was nothing but horror struck on everybody's face and I I I was drowning in fear 

"iamalesbian..."

"I....I... am a lesbian"

It was like I forking dropped a nuclear bomb in my house , oh wait. I really forking did.

I know it was a big thing for all of us for me coming out in front of family and for them that their daughter is a complete abomination.

And tomorrow is my wedding, I have been making a list for what I will do on my wedding since I was like in high school. Decoration with only lavender flowers and green leaves, blush pink gown for me and bright red gown for her, one really awesome dance performance on BTS's any   song........ and the list goes on.

But now I don't even want to get married. 

The thing which hurts me the most is that, that the first slap which landed on my face was of my brother's. I thought he understand me, I thought he will support I thought he is going to help me fight with my parents for my rights. Now I know how wrong I was.

I know didn't committed any kind of crime when I loved her. I love her alot. If I get married tomorrow I will never be able to live I will just......

exist....

Okay so now as I can see I have three options 

1) I run away which is very easy but this will bring real shame to my family and seeing this happen and them cursing me for this (I DON'T WANT THAT)

I will be damned.

2) I marry that guy tomorrow which is.....ummmm easy but it will bring disbalance and torture to me. Living a life which wasn't for me. A life which I never had a vision of. A life which I will loath for the rest of my life.

3) And the last one suicide, pretty easy if you ask me by this I will be gone all of these people will cry for some day and then everyone will move on but I know she won't.

What do I do, I never imagined myself wide awoke at 2 a.m. having suicidal thoughts.

It never occured because before I never tried to tell my family about this. 

Every one change, right!! then why can't my family accept me as who I am, why they are leaving in denial? Marrying me off to some man isn't going to change my sexuality. Why can't they understand that nobody wants this, nobody wants to be trapped in a relationship which is not comfortable.

Now you know what I think there is still one more option left "fight" which is really really difficult....... 

very very difficult.... 

Is it okay if I am thinking about how I am really an abomination about why god made me this way. But wait, this is my body, my soul, my life and no it is not okay for me to think that way.

So let's think about the fighting thingy, why do you always have to fight for truth and freedom???

I mean like what the truth is it is you can't fabricate it with the chain of lies and freedom it is like a right and someone taking it away is like straight hard punch on the guts of every freedom fighter I guess, cause just look at this they fought against the britishers to get us freedom but nobody told them about the confinement which we live in right now. Maybe they would have sorted this out also.

On the contrary when I am doing all this overthinking i think there fight, was to get freedom from the britishers cause that was the need at that time and right now this is my need I am going to fight for my freedom but who will support me. 

yeahhh,, what a bummer nobody is there to support me, now what. Well when gandhi started fighting he was also alone. 

Wait does that mean I am also a freedom fighter now, wow forking awesome.

I am going to make them understand about this that I am still me even if I marry a girl. It is okay for me to marry a girl and no there is nothing wrong with me, my harmones are all in check.

And they need to evolve now, it's been so long since that happened with human race I think they need a quick update on wifi yeah you know seems like cellular network is running slow.

So tomorrow I am not getting married cause I have a mission i need to evolve my family. gosssssh this is going to be so hard working but I can do this I am a freedom fighter.

SOME DAYS LATER:

Dear Diary 

Hey, well seems like everything is fine. 

Well about the wedding I kind of did got married that day. Well the next day after talking to you I kind of got ready to go to the wedding hall and you  won't beleive what I saw whole place was decorated with green leaves lavender flowers white lighting. And when I laid my eyes on the stage everything just blurred out like I almost fainted. 

There she was standing in all her grace and beauty wearing a bright red gown. I was frozen I couldn't move. my mouth was  ajar I think some fly came inside and went back .

When I looked at my brother he was laughing and was taking down my video, mom and dad were smiling and I was so confused thinking of when did this happened. When did my family got an update. Later I found out, she did she explained them and made them understand.

I am the luckiest girl in this whole wide world to get her as my soul mate. 

Dad came to me held my hand and told me how sorry he was and he really really loves me and how nothing matters infront of his children happiness.

I knew that he loves me alot i only wanted to update him nothing more than that.

But as always i have to mess this beautiful moment . I am sooo stupid as soon as I went to the stage no I didn't say I love you or I missed you or thank you for saving me from this misery all I told her was 

"idiot I was ready for the fight you took away my chance to become a freedom fighter" and I just burst into tears 

gosssssh I never want to remember that scene I made a fool out of my self..