Happy Never After

Snow White

Lee Donghyuck

What's the date?

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs was Walt Disney's first animated full-length movie, and the first movie to come out. Meaning it's old and the dinosaurs probably watched it too. The message and events of the movie are old too, so we don't like those things now.

For starters, Snow White is 14. That's older than Taeil, but that doesn't make it okay that she got married to a prince who is 18. I think that's pedophilia, or it should be. That's all the background information we need for you to understand how messed up the rest of this gets. Now to the happy ever after!

There was none. There is no way she had a true happy ever after. She woke up to a prince eating her face and said yep I'm riding into the sunset with him. There's no way his castle could've been that close because then the kingdom the Evil Queen runs is ridiculously close. Rulers always have a lot more space between their castles. Oops, I got side tracked.

Doyoung says I can't start a new paragraph because I want to.

Now Johnny's trying to tell him I can.

I don't think I should be writing a final copy in pen.

Anygays, whoops. Anyways, when Snow woke up to the prince eating her face, in her mind her wish came true. Old hag told her to make a wish and take a bite, and she wished for a prince. Not what I would wish for, but you do you hun. So of course Snow starts eating any apple she can so she can make more wishes. Like all she eats is apples. It's probably not healthy anymore she's eating so many. And of course her prince just lets her because all he knows is that she was dead and now she's not.

I just got yelled at for starting a sentence with and.

So princeypoo (Kun says that's not a word) starts thinking he's magic or something. Because when you kiss a dead girl and you wake her up, you're the great and powerful Oz. He then goes around the kingdom kissing everything that's dead so he can wake it up. Most of that is desperate hoes I mean girls trying to get some and they pretend to be dead. He's a pedophile I'm telling you. He also goes around kissing dead dogs and stuff but no one ever wakes up other than the girls that aren't dead. As far as he knows he's still magic. That's a long paragraph. Do you know how long it took to write that? My hand hurts. I'm taking a juice break.

Okay we back. My not so dad dad just gave me a candy bar for working so hard. I love that man.

Now to the dwarfs. They go nuts. Full on psycho. You got me feeling like a psycho~ psycho~

Apparently I'm not allowed to sing while writing. Why are there so many essay rules?

So Happy starts drinking. Alcoholic this man is probably going to die from it level of drinking. It's how he copes. Don't judge. His whole life he's been happy and now he's not so he thinks he has to be. Alcohol is the only thing that gets him back there. It's beer too. No boujee (is that how you spell it?) wine. Just beer. One after another.

All the other dwarfs get paranoid. Knock on the door? Grumpy has a shotgun ready. Apple on the table? Doc has inspected it 50 times and he's asking himself if he throws it in the fire will the potion affect them all. Birds start going nuts? They're already on their way to check on Snow White. That always gets her and the prince upset because they don't understand why they want to check on her. So they aren't close buds anymore and it really hurts the dwarfs.

Sleepy gets REALLY sad. I think the word is depressed. Taeyong says the word is depressed. Sleepy starts sleeping more than normal, almost all the time. It's bad.

Dopey is pretty much Mopey. Ha that rhymes. The poor dwarf took Snow White not wanting to see him anymore really hard. He's the first one to try and go back to her, and he cries himself to sleep every night. Snow White did my man dirty.

Sneezy, Doc, and Bashful just become really sad, but they can sort of function. Though if they clean the house they start crying because that's what Snow did, but if it's dirty they start crying because she used to clean for them. Did anyone notice how a 14 year old little girl shows up and starts bossing around grown men? Just me? Okay. Hendery says I'm ruining the story now and I should've stuck with a happy ending and babies.

Oh yeah, so those 3 dwarfs start overworking in the mines to keep their minds off Snow.

Grumpy though he's extra grumpy. Never leaves his bed, refuses to go see Snow. But he's the first to have Vietnam flashbacks when a bird chirps. He's also the first to start yelling and getting violent. Mainly at Dopey when he comes back crying from the castle.

In the end, no one is friends anymore, everyone is messed up, and if Snow White had kids it was because princeypoo probably raped her because he's a pedophile. Happy ever after my butt.

I'm now being told I have to rewrite all of this, but this took me six hours. I even had to use a dictionary! So no I'm not writing this again. Deal with it.