Happy Never After

Pocahontas

Lee Donghyuck

I still don't know the date

Right off the bat, there's a lot wrong with this movie. Historically and morally, but we knew that. We just ignore that and brush it off as that's what happened. But that's not what I'm here to talk about. I'm here to tell you what happened after the cameras stopped rolling. (Yes, I know it's animated, sue me)

I am once again being yelled at for using too much voice. Whatever that means. Can I insert the eyeroll emoji in an essay? Asking for a friend.

Back to the topic. Assuming that the story actually went the way it did in the movie and John Smith totally wouldn't have shot Pocahontas as soon as he saw her along with the rest of her tribe, John Smith ended up back in England. That simple. You think they'd be done for, over, especially since it's old times and nobody got the time or money to keep going across the sea for the "love of their life."

But no. It's not over. Because then this essay wouldn't be here, and that wouldn't be much fun. Oh no, their story goes on.

Let's start with Pocahontas. Sweet, innocent, twelve year old Pocahontas. Yeah, that's right. Twelve. Johnny boy Smith was well into his twenties, making him yet another child creep. (I'm not allowed to say pedophile anymore)

So our girl Pocahontas was just left by her wounded "soulmate" and now has to live her life without him. Whatever will she do?! She's a strong girl, even if she is twelve, so she'd just go back to her life. What else would she do? There's no way she'd be able to get to England just to go to her Johnny boy Smith, so if she didn't continue with her life she'd be a miserable wreck.

She was a wreck for a little bit after Johnny boy Smith left. Mainly because he left half dead and she was scared he wasn't going to make it. No one could get her from her tent, not even her best friend who totally knew what she was talking about the whole time by not fraternizing with the white guys. Meeko, her raccoon friend, was the one to get her out after a few days and he took her straight to Mother Willow.

Mother Willow would've slapped Pocahontas if she could've. She doesn't mess around for no one.

After that wake up call Pocahontas lived her asexual aromantic life, never dealing with men or women ever again. Except for when she was used to make peace between the white people coming in to settle and her tribe. She would've made a great peace maker and chief, but she just ended up the equivalent of a crazy cat lady with Meeko.

Johnny boy Smith, though, he sadly lived. After receiving treatment for his bullet wound in England, he found that there were plenty of other young girls that were more than willing to sacrifice themselves in his bed. So instead of returning to Pocahontas like he promised, he spent the rest of his days messing around and being a child creep in England.

He finally died maybe ten years later when someone spoke out and he was hung. Or something along those lines. I just want him dead.

I have now been informed he is no longer alive. That makes a lot more sense now.

POCAHONTAS ISN'T ALIVE ANYMORE?! WHAT IS THIS GARBAGE? I hope Meeko lived.

Kun and Taeyong keep telling Johnny and Ten not to tell me something. That's pretty sus.

So that's what happened after the filming for Pocahontas stopped, but that's not where I'm stopping. I've got things I want to point out that don't fit the essay of this topic, but you're reading about them anyways.

First, Disney just wants me to believe that a man literally nicknamed the "Indian slayer" wouldn't shoot the first one he sees just because she tickles his pickle? Garbage.

Second, that guy who was the assistant to the governor knew what was going on. The whole time he just took care of the pug and made comments on how the natives would've been fine if you left them alone. I like that guy.

Third, (and this one really bothered me) Pocahontas just knew English? After like two seconds of not knowing what Johnny boy Smith was saying she suddenly knew perfect English? I find that hard to believe.

Fourth, the color scheme throughout the whole movie is the bi flag and I thought it was awesome.

One hour and thirty-one minutes dumbed down = none of that was okay or right, and Meeko needs more love and food. All he wanted was food.

I did a good job and didn't use mean words please don't take off points. I even proofread. 

(Actually Johnny did, but that doesn't matter)