loving someone / matty healy

heart out

We had eventually pulled apart, giggles now echoing throughout my bedroom, foreheads resting on each other. My thumb got carried away tracing shapes over his own, his soft curls dancing over his eyes, as he looked to be almost entranced with the entwining of our fingers.

My thoughts were a delightful mess, spinning around in shouts of 'what does this mean?'', but also 'is this what true happiness feels like?', but I found myself feeling too afraid to ask. It doesn't matter, I told myself. Just enjoy it.

"George is going to be ecstatic," he chuckled. "I-If you're okay with me telling him?"
I looked up then, immediately noticing his nervous smile, and giving an affectionate one in return. The thought of the perfect bubble we'd now found ourselves in being burst by letting someone else inside of it made my heart thump erratically, but his question wasn't surprising. I had immediately wanted to tell Zahra and the guys, too.

"Yeah, of course. Just- give it a while, yeah? Until we know what's actually going on?" He nodded at that, his longer fingers playing with my smaller ones, and I enjoyed the way my hand looked wrapped up by his.

"I'm sorry for how I treated you earlier in school."
"You were upset, I understand."
"No, I was out of line. Being upset isn't an excuse to treat you badly. I promise I'll speak to you next time, tell you what's on my mind instead of being a prick."

Appreciatively, I smiled at him, and stroked the back of his neck as his head fell into my chest. His breaths were shallow, shoulders only rising slowly, although something was telling me his mind wasn't resembling such calmness.
"Tell me what's on your mind." My voice was a whisper, close to his ear.
"I just-I want to stay like this. Forever. In your company is the only place where I can breathe."

I smiled, again. It seemed I was doing a lot of that right now. "Well, then you'll live forever, because you're never getting rid of me."
Matty's gaze captured my own and I was suddenly rendered breathless by the genuine and earnest look his eyes held. Nobody on Earth had the ability to make me feel so noticed with just one stare.

"I hope so," he giggled.

Just then, the door knob to my room shook open, and my dad burst in. "Dinner's soo-"
Matty hastily moved further away from my side. It felt as though we'd melded into one another due to our close proximity.

"Oh, Matt, I didn't realise you were here," my dad began, a hint of amusement in his eyes as he took in Matty's unnecessary guilty looking expression, and the way that I was desperately attempting to contain my laughter. "Are you staying for dinner?"

Matty turned to me, soundlessly asking me if he was. I nodded as if to say 'obviously.' "Mhm, yeah, thanks."

"Great, I'll go let Jenny know. It's good to see you coming around here again, son." I watched with furrowed eyebrows as they nodded at one another. Men.

"Thought he was gonna tell me to leave then." Matty laughed nervously as soon as we heard my father's footsteps travelling down the staircase.
"Shut up, you know our parents have been waiting for this more than we have."
"Our mums are never gonna shut up."
"When do they ever anyway?" I rested my head against his once more. It was peaceful, but would soon be disturbed. Armaan.

The air turned solemn and I knew he understood why.
"I know you don't want to talk about him," He sighed at this. "But, it's important to me that you know why - why I picked him." His body was already resting against the corner of the window seat, so I positioned myself with my back against his chest. Instinctively, he put his arm around me, rubbing an exposed part of my side with his thumb.
"I'm listening." He spoke softly.
"I didn't pick him. There wasn't a choice in front of me to make. He was there, and for some reason sometimes you weren't. And he liked me, and I'd never felt that before. And I know you love me, I always knew that, but I was worried the kind of love I had for you was one-sided. And he's popular, and he was kind, I know that's stupid. But he did make me happy for a while, things I'd never experienced before. Or, maybe he made me realise I'd experienced all these things with you, but better, I'm not sure. But for just a while I could finally stop worrying if you loved me in the same way. I don't know, I know it all makes no sense. I dreaded the day you ever asked someone else to be your partner and made me meet them. And selfishly I just hoped you'd handle it better than me if it was the other way around. I never wanted to hurt you, I just wanted to grow up. Now growing up is the last thing I ever want to do."

He remained in silence throughout my talking, except for the occasional hum which vibrated up my back. I was worried he'd still be upset. I wouldn't blame him.
I felt his hands make their way into my hair, and closed my eyes as he moved it all to one side, the sensation of his hands brushing against my shoulders was heavenly.

Then his lips were on my neck, his hand running down my side, and I fell back even further into him.
"Did he ever make you feel like this?"
I couldn't help but moan at the sensation, his breath in my ear, and I was suddenly embarrassed by the sound I'd made. But it only seemed to encourage him. I reached my hands behind me, it was like I needed to touch him, in any capacity. My hand found it's place resting on his thigh.
"N-No." It was all I could breathe out.
"Hmm." His hum was low near my ear. "Didn't think so."
He placed one last kiss on the side of my head.

I couldn't help but scold myself for being disappointed that nothing more happened. It was embarrassingly animalistic. But that's how he made me feel, only him.

I moved, turning to face him. "I would've picked you. In a heartbeat, I would've. If I thought for a second that I could."
"I know." He smiled at me, a small smile, but it was genuine. He always was.
As long as he knew.

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so it has been like two years, if anyone comes back for the rest then thank you so much 😭 take this is as my apology xx