Hodge Podge's "Diary" for the broken and lonely

Memory is our weapon

Hello all~

Tonight I'm gonna have a feel goody type thing about Death.

Weird right?

Well, that's cuz I can't word things to save my life.

Basically, this is gonna be a page of me talking about the plague that seems to have spread over my little town, right into some people I care a lot about.

In the last few months, two people I was rather fond of have died. Whether they were killed, or committed suicide, they are dead, no changing that. I've also talked a few people down from their ledges recently, and helped another see that there is some good in life worth holding on for. I also just heard about someone else who I've only met once, who was really very nice, and she's under a suicide watch now. Death is getting to be too common. I really wish I could just be rid of it after my Great Uncle, this last Summer.

First off, if, by some odd chance, the nice girl in the suicide watch is reading this, please now that you are a truly amazing person, and whatever is causing you to want to do this... it isn't worth it. Nothing that hurts you so much you consider killing yourself is ever worth it.

Now some others may sit and look at that and say "well, I'm just depressed, nothing caused it, so what's not worth it?" That's wrong. No one is depressed for no reason. Small or large, something depressed you. Maybe it's people talking you down, maybe it's the absence of someone important now or when you were younger, maybe you feel like you have to be everything you aren't to make others happy, maybe it's something I will never truly understand, but I know it was something, even if you don't realize it.

Some of my friends, it's because they worry about being abandoned or replaced.

Others because they are abused.

More because they have to act like they are perfect for their families and friends.

One, because his father left to go to Australia to film pornos....

(I'm not lying, I swear)

All of these people are depressed, and have reason to be. Just like all of you who read this, and are depressed as well. Suicide, while being a quick way out, is by no means the right way out. You have so much potential. You are or will be (by blood or love), A brother or sister, A mother or father, A daughter or son, An aunt or uncle, A lover, A fighter, And most of all, no matter what and who you are, will always and forever only be perfect, and nothing less, simply by allowing yourself to be who you are.

It doesn't matter who you are. I'm not the first to say it, it doesn't matter who you identify with, there will only ever be one you, and no one else will be able to be you like you can.

Me, I'm a Bisexual pagan, and one of my best friends took over two years to realize I'm not Hispanic, and that my general coloring is actually that of the non-nazi Germans of what was (at the time my German ancestors lived there) the Awesome Prussia. I wear glasses, but by no means am I a stereotypical smart brunette with glasses. I'll take paint palettes over calculators any day. I'm a teenage girl, but sparkly vampires and boy bands piss me off. I still love RomComs.... And chocolate. My mother is the only one in my immediate family who knows I'm not straight. I paint a smile on my face everyday and pretend to be a normal and smart girl, to keep my family happy. And yes... I'm depressed. I've been depressed for a long time. Fears of being replaced or abandoned by friends, people calling me names and telling me places I should go that I'm sorry, but I just don't want to yet. A couple people tried to nail me to a cross once. That attempt didn't last but a few moments. I walked away with bloody knuckles, they walked away with bloody noses, it wasn't my blood on my knuckles. People are cruel... Not all of em, but every single one of you knows at least one person who is.

What I wanted to say tho, is that despite it feeling like something that will never go away (and some times it won't) we will all get thru it. Just keep pushing forward. Don't forget about the good things, because sometimes it's all we have to fight against the bad. Remember every laugh and snort and smile that made up the few moments where your sky was blue and hold on to it. Cherish every stupid joke someone told just to see you smile, because bad or not, that joke was meant for you. Every caring face that gives a short smile to you, the lonely stranger, is a hand reaching out to show you quietly, that it's ok. There are always going to be times when the world gets so heavy you feel your spine start to crack as you carry it. But remember this, that when ever someone calls you a name, and tells you that you are spineless... That you have the strongest spine of all, because it kept holding you up despite the cracks.

Your world will feel like it is shattering around you. Your skies will look dark as night. Waters will bring Tsunamis that do all they can to wash away what's important to you. But it can be stopped.

Every person telling you that you can't be who you are, every person who dares to hurt you, every being that tries to deny your existence on this planet as the only you in 7+ billion of them... can be shut up. Ignored.

So stand up. Take their words as a challenge, and do better. Be better. Be you.

Be yourself and good things will follow. Never believe that an ending is a good start to your story, because then there is no more to tell. And if you see someone else upset, even if you've never talked to them, help them. Remember what it's like for you right now, this feeling you have. Never forget it, instead, use it to help others. And in a good portion of problems that cause depression, helping someone else will help you too.

So uh, yea.. That's my little rant-esque page... I don't really know what else to say but that it will be ok, so long as you remember the good things thru the bad ones, and fight back against the bad, and help others do the same. strength in numbers, and a friend never hurts either.

Goodnight everyone~

-Liz