Blank Canvas

Chapter Twelve: November 8th, 2020:

The bright light from the sun was peeking through the curtains caused me to arose from my deep slumber. I glanced over at the alarm clock on the light brown nightstand and it read 7:45 a.m. A shirtless Liam was sitting on his bed underneath the white comforter as he scrolled on his phone. I cleared my throat, causing him to jump and look over at me.

"I wasn't expecting you to be awake already." Liam eyebrows were furrowed and he was chewing on his bottom lip. After my flashback yesterday, we decided to call it a day and Erin booked us a hotel room for the night. We were supposed to meet her today to go to the liquor store and attempt to find our way back to the alley where I woke up. "Clary?"

"Uhh, yeah?" I glanced over at him before muttering an apology.

"Are you sure you want to do this today?" He questioned.

I sat up in bed and sighed. "Yes, I am sure."

"We do not have to do it today. We can come back another day. It's no big deal." He reassured me with pleading eyes.

"No. I want to do it today.We already lost a day and Lucas cannot wait another day."

"I'm just worried about you."

I waved him off his concerns. "I'm okay." We sat in silence for a while before I spoke up, "do you think they have breakfast ready?" I grinned at the thought of food.

He chuckled. "Your love for food has not changed." He got up from the bed and began putting his clothes on. "Are you coming?" He glanced up at me.

"What if I kil-killed Lucas?" I bit my lip. I didn't want to cry, not now, but the traitorous tears escaped their prison anyway. Liam sat in front of me on the edge of the bed as he grasped my clammy hand and gave it a squeeze.

"Why do you think that way?" He asked softly.

I rubbed my nose, sniffling loudly. "What if my escape meant Lucas's demi-demise? What if he stopped fee-feeding Lucas?" I paused as I took a deep breath. "The man fucked with our memory for ten years. We don't know what else he is capable of."

He opened his mouth, but could not form any words. We both knew there was nothing that he could say to make me feel better because we were unsure of what happened to Lucas after I left. He gave up, pulling me close and held onto me tightly as if I was going to disappear too. I tried my hardest to keep my composure and be strong for Liam, but I failed as sobs racked my whole body. I wrapped my arms around him and grabbed fistfuls of his shirt, clinging to it. Hot tears stained my t-shirt from Liam, but I could not hear his crying over my own.

What if I killed Lucas? I took Liam from his own brother selfishly because I should have fought harder to help him escape. I am a terrible person. He should have escaped. Not me. I do not deserve to be alive.

~~

"Are you ready?" Liam glanced over at me with a sympathetic smile.

I sighed, staring at the liquor store in front of me through the windshield. The red and blue open sign was flashing, but it was dim in the sunlight. Posters filled with different advertisements for cigarettes and alcohol filled the windows, making it difficult to see inside the store. My gaze shifted to my trembling hands that were in my lap. "I don't know if I can do it."

His warms hands grasped my cold ones despite the heat running in the car. "You can do it. Erin and I are here for you no matter what, okay?"

I nodded, watching him turn off the car and exit. He opened the passenger side door, waiting for me to muster up enough courage. He held his hand out and I took ahold of it as he assisted me out of the car. Erin was standing at the door of the liquor store with her hands in her coat pockets.

Erin waved at me. "How are you doing, Clary?"

I walked towards her with a strained smile. "I'm doing okay," I muttered to her, placing my hands in my coat pockets. Liam wrapped his arm around my shoulders, bringing me close.

"So, let's get started!" Erin clapped her hands together. "Do you remember how you came across the store?"

I thought for a moment, looking around my surroundings. There was not much traffic of people. I pointed behind me. "I came across the front side of the store because I saw the sign." I nodded to the flashing open sign. I turned around and began walking away from the front side of the store, following the sidewalk. Erin and Liam followed close behind me.

"Do you remember how long you walked for? A block or two?"

I stopped and turned around the face both of them. "I walked for a long time, but it could have felt that way because I barely had any clothes on and had no shoes." I paused for a moment as I cocked my head to the side. "What do you mean by a block?"

"Nevermind." He waved his hand and gave me reassuring smile.

I began to walk again as I continued to talk. "None of these stores were open when I walked past them that night. I know I was in an alleyway with a green dumpster because I woke up beside it." We continued to walk, peeking down every alleyway. "There it is!" The filthy dumpster was sitting in the fifth alleyway that we came across.

"Now, here comes the difficult question." Erin paused for a moment. "Do you remember how you got here?"

I stared down at my feet, trying to remember my flashback. "I came out of the small window almost at ground level. It was a blue house. I don't remember the route I took; it was all a blur. I just remember running until I had to stop."

"Why did you stop?" Liam questioned me further.

I closed my eyes, trying to picture the flashback to gain as much information as I could. "The stores were closed. My lungs were burning. I had black spots in my vision. Once I got to the alley, I lost my vision." I opened my eyes and saw Liam rubbing his face with his hands in frustration as Erin was looking around, unsure of what to say or do. Tears blurred my vision as I tried hard to keep my composure. They were disappointed in me and I wasted their time. I was hoping to get a flashback when we entered the alley and I got nothing. We were not any closer to finding Lucas and we cannot waste any more time. We need to get to him before it was too late or maybe it already was too late.

"What are we go-going to do ne-next?" I blinked my tears away, waiting for a response that I might not want to hear.

"All we can do is wait." Erin stated firmly.

I dropped down to my knees onto the hard ground as I placed my head into my hands. "No.No.No."I muttered to myself, repeatedly. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I immediately pulled away from the person. If that man killed Lucas, it was all of my fault. He didn't deserve to be treated like an animal. I was a failure. He counted on me to save him, but I failed him.