loving you is a losing game I ✔️

t w e n t y

- looking back at this months later, seeing how cringy this book is, im so sorry- 

- ellianas point of view - 

I wake up from an annoying sound of a lawn mower and opening my eyes rubbing them slowly

I jump up from my place when I see I'm not I'm my bed

All of my memories from last night come rushing back and I wish they wouldn't have

I shouldn't have cried like I did I mean its not like a big deal if I were to like chase

Well say I did but its not like he likes me back he made that very clear many times and not explaining himself

I don't hate chase I do love him but maybe I shouldn't

I don't think I should, I just need to avoid these feelings because I have them for the wrong reason

I mean what's the point of liking him all the good memories are from when we were kids not right now, all he does is hurt me

I get up from my place and now my butt hurts

Great that's what you get for sleeping on a piece of wood

I climb down from our place and make my back into the house trying to avoid any contact with anyone!

But with all of my luck when I open the door my hands drop

"ella?" my mom gasps probably being terrified from my eyes and hair

"good morning mom" I fake a smile

"where were you?" she asks

"oh, you know I- I woke up early so I went for a little walk in the back to the shore" I tell her

"oh okay, well go pack your stuff were leaving soon" she tells me

"where is addy and... chase" I say

"they left; I don't know chase said he had something to do"

"oh, okay yeah" I say in relief

I then rush up the stairs and walk into the room to start packing, I walk into our bathroom with some black pants and a pink sweatshirt and then I come out and bring my toothbrush after using it and all the stuff I had in the bathroom

I then put it in my back and just take out the couple of shirts I took out and put into the draw

When I finish parking, I look around the room just to make sure I got everything when something catches my eye

I walk over to chase's bed were a folded piece of paper is?

Should I read it or look at it I don't even know what it is

I take it into my hands when I see a 'elliana' on the front

Oh god

I slowly open it to reveal almost a page length of the paper covered in inked words

I sit down on the edge of his bed and start to read

'to my sweet elliana,

well not sweet anymore I know that. I want to say I'm sorry, but I can't because I know it would mean nothing to you if I did because as you know and recite all I do is hurt you. I don't know if this is to soon but since I keep doing it without reasons I guess I should tell you, and as I'm terrible with words I wrote it down for you. Last night what you saw in the treehouse that was not me doing it on purpose to hurt you or because I was afraid that someone would see it and I don't even know how because the only people that go in there are me and you, and I make sure of it. I don't know how to explain this even in a letter but after that night we came here last together in second grade wasn't my last night, around sophomore year so last year I came down here by myself to get my mind of off of things, and mostly you. So, I came and sat in the treehouse trying to distract myself, but I couldn't think of anything so all I could think of was ruining everything to make sure you didn't like me. I don't deserve to be loved or liked and not that I'm saying you do because I know how you feel about me and that's your choice and the right choice. All I'm trying to sum up in this is that I love you elliana and I don't love you as a childhood best friend or anything, I'm in love with you and I have been from before I even knew what love was. And trust me I remember when you told me I wasn't capable of love and I know I didn't even think it was possible for me to love someone as much as I love you and the way your hair gets messed up in the wind, or the way you smile at your own jokes or get lost in music when your favorite song comes on. I can't help it but admire it and I can't do it without not being able to get you out of my head drowning it with you every day. i don't know why i even started hurting you or anything in the first place. if i hadn't had done it at all or turned into a total jerk i could have had a chance with you right now. but all i focused on was making sure you didn't feel the same way i felt for you, and now i have no idea why because i just hope you still see a heart berried in me you can dig out.   I'm not asking for you to say anything back or even talk to me again, if this is the end it's the end and we don't have to speak again before we head of two different colleges to start a new life after this. but I know that from everything I've put you through. but I'm asking you to please think about forgiving me so I can change my way towards you for good and make you happy and not in pain from me, until then, goodbye elliana. – C

all I can think about is sobbing right now and again, I don't know if it's a happy or sad or both but I cant control the way I feel right now, all I need is a long break from all of this

I can't even think straight through all of this and I can even believe the fact that I just got a letter from chase...

i laughed im sorry-