Something That Glitters

20 // Existential Crisis Case #513

Existential Crisis Case #513

"Hey, uhm, okay guess what? I have a question."

"What is it, Snooki?" Kuya Mason answered my phone call groggily as if he had just woken up under the scorching sun in Manila.

"Yes, that's the spirit, my favorite cousin for today!" I clicked my tongue and winked at no one. "So, I have this existential crisis, you know. I'm only realizing it now after breathing for more than twenty years. And I really wanted to solve this one now because, you know, I have like five hundred more crises classified as pending, so..."

"Snooki, will you please cut to it already?" he said right before a yawn.

"Fine! Listen carefully, alright? And I want you to tell me the truth and nothing but the truth, so we won't have to see each other in court."

"I'm not going to court. Male-late na ako sa work, Snooks. Just ask me."

"Okay." I exhaled, readying myself. Well, here it goes... "Kaya ba ako walang boyfriend since birth kasi pinagbawalan at tinakot niyo lahat ng gustong manligaw sa 'kin dati hanggang ngayon all because you wanted the best and only the best for your girl, Snooki?"

I bit my lip, hopeful. My eyes starting to water na. My chest was slightly heaving. Medyo hiningal kasi ako sa sinabi ko.

"How'd you want me to answer that?" he lazily asked. I heard water running from his line.

"I want you to say yes, duh? But!" I emphasized. "Tell your truth. It doesn't matter! If it's a no, then go. Sure, I'll cry if it's a no, but psh no pressure!"

I shook my head at myself as some sort of consolation. Because, you know, everyone knows that the best cheerleader that one could have was thy self.

"Okay." There was a silence for about a second. Then, there was the sound of brushing. Then, a spit. And then, finally, Kuya Mason answered, "Yes."

"Oh my gosh, all of you blocked my suitors? I knew it!" I grinned at myself, eyes closed. "So, this has been great! 'Kay, thanks! Bye!"

See? Solving a crisis was that easy! I had become fully elated now that I gained the truth. I now declare Existential Crisis Case #513 as officially solved. And the gavel hits the wood coaster or whatever.

I slouched on my couch. Obviously, I was getting lazy on a Monday night. I had TV, but I wasn't in any mood to watch anything. I had food, and I did want to eat, but I didn't want to get empacho.

Ang bummer lang kasi, 'di nagpunta si Archer sa Daily Bloom kaninang umaga. Hindi tuloy refilled ang mood ko for today. In a teenage frickin' book of terminologies, hindi ako nakasilay, puso ko'y napa-aray. Wala lang.

Kaya kinabukasan tuloy sa shop, medyo nagkatampuhan kami ni Cornelia.

"Auntie, dapat nagda-diet na 'tong butiki mo, e. Tingnan mo, katataba na!"

Nakaharap ako sa glass abode niya habang bina-bash ko siya. Naintindihan niya siguro ako, kasi sunod-sunod siyang dumila na parang nagagalit at may sinasabing kung ano sa 'kin.

"Oh, bakit? Totoo naman, mataba ka," sabi ko tuloy habang nakataas ang isang kilay. Umirap ako sabay kembot para talikuran siya.

Gumilid lang ang mata ni Auntie sa akin. Nasa gitna ng ilong niya ang salamin habang may pinipirmahan siyang mga papel. "Masungit ka yata ngayon?"

"Senyales na po yata 'to na magiging tulad niyo akong matandang, super grumpy, na dalaga." Ngumiwi ako at umirap sa kisame. "Except now, you magically have a love life!"