sympathy

Chapter Eighteen

I don't know a lot, but I do know I hurt you more than once.

        Once before all of this. You never told me if it hurt you, but we both know it did. We were recording a video about a month before it happened. 

"DREAM OH MY GOD- YOU ALMOST KILLED ME." 

"AND I'D DO IT AGAIN. COME HERE GEORGEEE."

         We filmed for hours during a live stream. Nick was there too, but he was half asleep with the occasional stupid comment. You were off that day. No one noticed, not even the fans who point out everything. I could tell.

         Nick and you were arguing about something stupid and he made fun of you. I joined in, because I thought us acting like idiots as usual might cheer you up somehow. You got upset a tiny bit, and I told you to quit being a child and grow up. 

         Nick pointed out the obvious, saying you were older than me. You were quiet. Nick and I talked about something for a few minutes, and I hadn't noticed. You left the call and ended your stream. Later on, you said that you muted because you threw up. You didn't want me to worry about you or anything. We both dropped it, and never spoke about it again.

         Now that situation was nothing to compare with the main situation right now. It wasn't even important. We forgot about it a couple days later and were back to normal. It was important to me though. I knew I hurt you. It stuck with me for months. I hated myself.

         I tried to make it up to you without making it obvious. Small compliments, asking you about your day, and listening to you talk about things you are passionate about.

         It all disappeared, then one night, so did you. I called you and you never answered. Call after call, voicemail after voicemail. You didn't pick up. 

         I didn't sleep that night. I was so worried about you. I flew out there. You didn't know, but I did. I was looking for my mom while I was there, but I was also tempted to look for you. You didn't answer the phone for weeks. 

        Then I saw you. I knew I wanted to take you long before that, and I had the place I would take you already picked out. You were on your way to the airport when I saw you, and I knew it would be the perfect time. I had everything I needed to do it, then you happened to walk into the cafe I was waiting for you in at the airport. You fell into my- well not a trap, but a safety net. 

        I never got to ask you. Why did you ignore my calls? Was it because you were coming to surprise me? Or were you so broken you needed to come and see me? Did you think I could fix you?

        Would you have knocked on my front door and waited for me to open it?

        If you did, I would have opened it. You would be standing there looking at me longingly with a slight smile and tears in your eyes. I would admire you, and then walk up to you for a hug. God, I would have held you there for so long. Until you stopped crying. Until I knew you were okay.

        Who knows, George.

        Maybe if I had never flown out there, that would've happened.

        Maybe it would have brought us together, after all.

        Me taking you, the desert, falling in love, getting caught, going to jail, losing you.

        We could have avoided it all.

        It would have been pointless.

        It was all for nothing. 

        But it wasn't.

        In the desert, you saw who I truly was and still learned to love the beauty out there. You still learned to love something in me.

        Don't hate yourself for anything. You were there for me during everything. My nightmares, when I was upset, everything. It's the kind of person you are. You would care for anyone no matter what, even if they were strangers. You would never leave your friends when they need you, even if they hurt you or you two drifted. You are kind, caring, and beautiful. I didn't deserve to be out there with someone like you. I never would. It worked out in the end, even if I regret it. I would've ruined you if things worked out. 

        Thank you. For being there. You never had to do that. I hurt you so much, you shouldn't of. 

        But you cared.

        It meant everything to me.

        That was the moment I knew that in the end,

        you might've chosen to stay.

Total Word Count: 795