This Is Life

Moments Before

I looked at Donny with tears in my eyes, nodding at him. In front of the whole band he was telling me that he needed to be with me, in more ways than just as co-writers of songs. He loved me. And as much as I was scared to admit it. I loved him too. He walked up to me and took my hands in his.

Flashbacks from all the moments we nearly kissed outside my hotel room came to me. I felt something that evening. The way Donny pulled me in close after shaking hands. The way he held my hands in his. The way he gripped me, not in a harsh way, but in a loving way. I felt the same way I felt whenever I was around Michael. I knew I loved him, I loved Donny, but I didn't want to hurt Michael. He was still my husband after all. And had he come home, none of this would have happened and we'd be living happily together and Donny would just be a friend.

We hadn't spoken about it since that night 3 days ago. And having admitted our feelings for one another privately we parted and I thought I'd never get to find love again, and it was my fault. I was the one who told him that we shouldn't be together because of our pasts. Yet, after 3 days of thinking and silence about it between us, here he was telling me he didn't care how long he had to wait for me to feel ready, he knew he loved me and wanted to be with me.

I briefly let go of his hands so I could put mine on his neck. He held my wrists, lovingly, for a moment and then put his arms around me. I rested my hands on his chest as he brought one hand up to the side of my face. I gazed into his deep brown eyes as he continued to speak. "The necessity of being madly in love with you." I put both my hands on the sides of his face and closed my eyes as I pulled him into a kiss. I needed him to know I felt exactly the same way. From behind me I heard Jonny say 'Yeah!' excitedly and I just focused on kissing Donny. Every small part of the kiss I moved my left hand, going from the side of his face, to around his shoulders, to the back of his neck and back to his right shoulder. I eventually pulled away and rested my forehead on his, my hands on his chest again as he kept his tightly around me.

"I love you Donny. And this will be hard. Your best friend was my husband, and he still is, even if he's not around anymore. But I can't ignore these feelings that I feel any longer. And while I will never forget Michael, I feel the same way about you now as I did Michael when I fell in love with him all those years ago."

"We will make it work. And we will be here, supporting one another. Because no matter how tough it is, and now matter how much time it takes, I need to be with you Julia. And that is true." He said repeating himself.

"I know Donny. And I need to be with you too, no matter how painful it can be." I kissed him again before we parted and prepared ourselves for what we were about to go do on that stage.

As I sang the original version of welcome home I felt very different to how I first felt when I wrote it. At the time I'd just found out how Michael had died and I never wanted to see Donny again. But that the same time I was already gaining strong feelings for him and I wanted to tell him how I felt so I fitted a few lines in expressing that. Every time I sang 'welcome home my husband' I looked up, and I could see Michael watching me, proud of me and the boys for all we had achieved, my voice struggled to say the word husband but it was important people knew I'd lost mine in battle, and how difficult that was to cope with. However the line 'welcome home my love' I sang it like I was talking to Donny which was different to how it was originally written, it still being about Michael. I also made sure to look at each member of the band as I sang about them.

The hardest part was the verse about Donny. So much had changed since I first wrote it and everything was still true, but had a deeper meaning to me now. My voice broke as I sang the line 'Donny made it home but thinks it wasn't fair, How he made it out but left his buddy there.' I just looked at him the whole time but he didn't look back at me, and just focused on playing the piano. I kept going and found my way back. 'And I would give up anything if I could give him some.' That line felt so much more real now to me, as did
'And I stand here helpless, my arms extended
Knowing full well, darling, your war's not ended.' I knew us falling in love wasn't going to take away the nightmares he had daily, wasn't going to take away the survivors guilt he felt, wasn't going to change what had happened. But I made a promise to myself that I would do all I could to help and support him and I knew in my heart he would support me to as we dealt with grieving Michael together.

As I finished the last note I stood there panting, almost struggling to believe we just did that. I saw Donny out the corner of my eye and he walked to me. He opened his arms and I stepped into them and put my arms around his shoulders. He put one arm around my lower back and one around my upper back his hand resting on my shoulder. I just held him close, my eyes closed, my breathing shakey as I tried not to cry. He swayed us back and forth slightly which helped a little.

"You were amazing." He whispered. I responded by moving one hand to the back of his head, letting my fingers run though his hair. I couldn't say anything so it was the only way I could acknowledge his compliment and offer him one too.

"The Donny Nova Band ladies and gentlemen." I heard the presenter say. I opened my eyes and saw the curtain was closed to I lifted my head from his shoulder and leant back a bit before looking into his eyes briefly before he kissed me. It was a soft and short kiss before we separated and headed offstage. Donny kept one arm around me as we walked backstage. We all found a relatively quiet corner and had a group hug.

"Thank you all." I said softly. "I can't believe we just did that. This wasn't about winning, this was about showing all the men like you, and the women like me, that they aren't alone in this fight. Everything we currently go though every day, we will be facing for the rest of our lives. But having each other makes it a lot easier."

"I agree. Having people who have been there thought it all really helps." Donny smiled. "And you've helped me so much these last 4 months Julia. I could never thank you enough. You've taught me a lot." I smiled and kissed his cheek.

We didn't win, Illinois did. But we didn't care. We enjoyed our final night together in New York. And once again Donny walked me back to my hotel room, just this time we kissed outside the door for a minute or two before parting ways for the evening. I laid in bed and closed my eyes. I could picture Michael in my head. "I love you Michael. And I will never stop loving you. It's just now you're gone, I also love Donny. He's helped me so much and has answered all my questions about you. I miss you every day, but I just have to move forward with my life. If we don't get blacklisted, and we can continue to perform, I will always be Julia Trojan professionally, no matter what happens between Donny and I. I hope you're watching down on us and you're happy for us. I love you and miss you Michael. Goodnight." I said before falling asleep.