This Is Life

The heartache it brings

I sat at Donny's desk working away. He was making calls and I was taking down all the notes. I added up totals for how much things were going to cost and how much money we'd be making. Seeing the sum of money at the end that we'd be making I realised that we'd become a national sensation. Once tour prep work was done for the day, Donny and I went and sat on the couch. I laid down and rested my head on his lap. He ran his fingers though my hair and smiled down at me. "You're so beautiful."

"And you're so handsome Donny." He smiled at me lovingly. "I love you."

"I love you too Jules." I sat up suddenly.

"No. Please. Don't call me that. Julia is just fine." I said becoming angry. I stood up and started to walk away.

"Julia. Wait. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. Can I just ask why? I thought it would be a sweet nickname, just between you and I."

"Jules is what Michael called me." I said softly, turning to see him stood up, looking at me. A sad and worried look on his face. "His aunt, who he didn't like, was also called Julia, so he called me Jules instead. He was the only one to call me that and I loved it. And as much as I love you Donny. I don't want you calling me Jules. It just brings back too many happy memories and then also the pain of knowing he isn't here anymore." I said with a tear in my eye.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't know. I hope you can forgive me." Donny said looking down at the floor. I walked over to him and slowly put my arms around him, resting the side of my head on his shoulder. He also held me close, rubbing my back.

"You weren't to know. I should have told you before. And I'm sorry I shouted and got angry at you. You didn't deserve that."

"It's okay Julia. You were upset, and you had every right to be. Now how about I go make us dinner and we can eat together before I walk you home." He said softly.

"I'd like that. Thank you Donny." I kissed his cheek and then stepped away. "Because this is life with the heartache it brings, and we know that these things take time." I said softly, remembering that first night in the hotel in New York. I looked at Donny in the eye and he nodded before walking out the room to the kitchen. I sat back down on the couch and found myself fiddling with my skirt, tears flowing down my cheeks. I could see Michael. I could see him watching me. However, I couldn't tell if he was happy for me or angry at me for loving his best friend. I felt like I'd betrayed him. But I also felt like he'd want me to be happy, and could see that being with Donny makes me happy. "Michael. I wish I could know what you're thinking. Because I know it's about me and Donny and I wish I knew how you felt about it. I promise you Michael, I still love you. And I will never stop loving you. You were my first true love and the life we spent together as a couple was magical even if it was cut short so unexpectedly. I still remember the day I said goodbye to you at the station and the day I got the telegram saying you wouldn't be coming home to me. I remember them so clearly. But now you're not here and I miss your jokes and hearing the sound of your drums. But now I have Donny's piano and his songs. And they make me feel better. He makes me happy Michael. All I hope is that you are up there and all you want is for me to be happy again, even if that means falling in love with Donny." I began to cry again and I curled up into a ball and sobbed.

"Julia?" I heard but couldn't respond. "Julia? Love?" I felt Donny's arms go around me. It was once I was being held still that I realised I'd been shaking violently. "Julia, it's okay. I'm here."

"I saw him again." I cried. "I felt all this guilt again. I feel like I'm betraying him."

"I know the feeling. Because I feel it too Julia. We both feel it. And it's hard. It always will be. But we have each other. Just please, tell me if you need something. I want to be here to help you. Just like how you're always there to help me." I nodded softly, starting to feel a little better.

"I just wish I could hear him say it to me. Tell me that he's happy for us. Tell me that he's proud. Tell me that he just wants me to be happy. All these things I think he's saying, but I don't know. What if he's up there heartbroken that I have fallen in love with his best buddy. What if he doesn't like seeing us together. I can't get the thought out my head."

"I don't know Julia. We will never know what he's thinking. But what I do know is that after all we've been though in the last four and a bit years, we both deserve to be happy and to love one another. You're still so young, you can't spend the rest of your life alone just because you lost Michael so tragically." He closed his eyes tightly and I could see his survivors guilt hitting him hard.

"I know." I said holding Donny close to me. "And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm acting like this. You've been though so much more the last four years than I will ever go though. You were out there with him. You fought so hard and I'm so proud of you. Of both of you. I know you don't see yourself as a hero. But you're a hero to me. You gave me hope. You showed me how to love again. And I couldn't thank you enough." I pressed my lips to his. "I love you so much Donny. And our pasts can't stop me from loving you." I kissed him again before pulling away. "How's dinner?"

"I need to check, but probably almost ready. I came in here because I heard you crying and I knew you needed me."

"Thanks for coming to check on me. Now let's go eat." I stood up and when Donny stood he kissed me again.

"Oh and I love you too Julia." We held one another close for a while before finally heading to the kitchen. Dinner was indeed ready and so I laid the table for us and Donny dished out the spaghetti and sauce. We sat down and ate our dinner. "I'm sure you'll experience what you went though today, with seeing Michael, again. If you ever do and it makes you feel guilty, upset, anything, tell me. Please. I want to be there to help you Julia. We will get though this easier if we talk about what we're feeling and what we are going though."

"I promise I will. As long as you promise the same thing. That you'll always come to me and talk about your feelings whenever you feel down or have nightmares or anything."

"I promise." He said softly. I smiled and the rest of the evening was enjoyable and lovely. We talked for a bit on the couch and then Donny walked me home as promised. We held hands the whole way and we kissed before he left. I went to bed that night the happiest I'd felt in a long time. Talking about everything with Donny really helped me feel at ease and reassured me that we'd be okay as long as we had each other.