They Say Life Is A Gift, But Is It Really?//Book One

7. 𝓖𝓮𝓽𝓽𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓫𝓮𝓽𝓽𝓮𝓻

Chapter Seven

It was three long months
Three months of recovery
Slowly being able to stay awake longer
My arms were no longer bandaged
But the scars are still there

Still reminding me of my choice
Somedays I hate them
Others I love that I have a reminder

I'm still in the hospital but I'm leaving today and I'm nervous my thoughts have been going crazy I keep trying to stay positive, trying to remember my choice

I chose to live

I chose to fight

I chose to get better

But somedays it just doesn't feel worth it

It feels like no matter how hard I try I always end up back where I started

The doctor said relapses are normal but why?

Why can't I just get better?

Why can't I just eat?

God I wish there was some kind of medication for this

Sure there's some like anti-depressants or anxiety pills but I just want one thing

One magic tablet that would make me eat

Make me smile

Make me happy

Make me normal

But I guess how was I ever normal?

Growing up in an orphanage isn't normal

But maybe if I get better I can find a family, a home, then I'll be normal right?

My thoughts were interrupted when Alex entered the plain white hospital room

It's visiting time already?, how long was I lost in thought?

"How are you feeling?" He asked taking a seat next to my bed "I'm good, I can't wait to leave, the hospital smell is horrible" Alex laughed at my response before replying "I just need to fill out some paperwork and they'll give you meds then we can leave" "Meds?" I asked "Yeah just some anti-depressants okay?" I nodded and soon a male nurse walked in

"Okay Ethan so we were thinking to put you on Prozac as it's been known to treat anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa, we have also given you some sleeping medication as Prozac can sometimes lead to trouble sleeping others side effects include headaches so if that occurs just take some basic over the counter headache meds and you'll be fine, since you've been eating enough regularly to achieve a healthy weight we've decided to keep you off the tube as long as you continue to show improvement, and lastly we have given you an eating plan which you must at least try to follow, and I think that's it" the nurse gave Alex the two pill bottles and a laminated sheet that I assume is the eating plan, Alex signed a few more sheets and we were off.

The car ride was nice, I hadn't been outside minus the hospital gardens in awhile, not only that but it's December and everywhere was covered in snow, Alex made sure to have me wrapped up warm as anorexic patients feel the cold more as fat is supposed to keep you warm.

When we finally made it home some of the kids were playing in the snow but ran up to hug me when I got out of the car.

"Ethan you're okay?!" Isaac said happily and I nodded "Yeah I'm okay" I couldn't tell if I was lying or not

Am I okay?

I don't know but for now I don't care, Mya, Kyle, Karter, Kam and Sawyer ran over to me while the kids went back to there snowmen

"Ethan thank god you're alive!" Mya said hugging me before slapping the back of my head "You asshole! never scare me like that again okay?!" she screamed tears making there way out of her eyes "Hey I'm sorry!, don't cry, I'm sorry!" I hugged her tightly and she soon calmed down enough to let Karter, Kyle, Kam and Sawyer hug me, all at the same time "Guys I gotta breathe to live you know!"

That day everyone did there best to make me feel welcome and at home again but by night time I was still confused

I've spent the whole day telling people I'm okay, I'm alright, I won't do that again but

Am I okay?

Am I alright?

Who's to say I won't be pushed over the edge again?

Who's to say I won't do it again?

I mean yeah now I actually want to get better but that doesn't mean I will

I'm scared

I'm scared of now knowing what I'm capable of

Suicide had always been a thought at the back of my head

But attempting it is a whole different story

Truth is I never thought I would

And now that I have

I'm scared

I don't wanna die

But living has always been hard for me

I just hope this time I'll be strong

Strong enough to put down the blade

Strong enough to finish my plate

Strong enough to control my thoughts

My demons

I hadn't realised my face had become wet with tears until I felt a hand wipe them away

"Calm down Eth, I'm here, you're safe, I'll protect you from now on, even from yourself" I heard Karters soft voice in the darkness, whispering quiet nothing's to me, lulling me to a peaceful sleep

Maybe I'm not strong

Maybe I don't need to be

Because I have so many people willing to fight off my demons

I have Karter

I have Alex

I have my group

I have Emily

But most of all I have a big family who'd do anything for me

As I would for them

Hey guys this isn't the last chapter after this one please read recovery and birthday, Wattpad has mixed my chapters up sorry for the inconvenience