Shadows of Ash and Gold

Chapter four

"You have to go!" My mother's frantic voice beamed through the phone.

      "Hell no," I responded.

"Avaryn! Language!"

      "Hell's not a bad word mom." I rolled my eyes, taking a bite of a cookie I got out of one of the vending machines. How had my life come to sad vending machine food? I sighed. I felt lonely. I missed Finn and West and mom. I missed home, although my home wasn't there anymore. I had no home. All I had was this cold big dorm room.

      Nyan hadn't come to the dorm after school, so I guess me borrowing one of her dresses was no longer an option? It was well after ten p.m and she still wasn't here. I was starting to worry,  She was past curfew. Maybe she was staying in her mansion with the rest of the Devara? 

      "I don't even have a dress."

"Oh, stop! I'll put some money on your card and this weekend you can go into town with some of your girlfriends and get a dress!" I hinted at the excitement in her voice. Why did my mom want me to be involved in everything? Was this her way of living vicariously through me?

       I had mentioned Tandy and Mo once and now she all of a sudden thinks they're my best friends. But even though going to the dance next week was the last thing I wanted I couldn't bring myself to say no to my mother. "Fine."

      "Great! You're gonna have so much fun! I have to go but I'll talk to you later, okay?"

      "Okay."

I hung up, placing my phone on the nightstand. I stared up at the ceiling, my heart slowly closing in my chest. The room had somehow felt ten-times smaller. It seemed as if the air was sucked out and I was suffocating. I tried to swallow down the sense of fright in my throat but I couldn't.

       Was the thought of going to a school dance really making me have a panic attack?

Was I that pathetic?

       I fled from my spot on my bed and made my way out of the dorm room. I needed air. Fresh air. I didn't care that it was against the rules to go outside this late. I just needed space, no walls or roof, just open air. After a few flights of stairs and many wide corridors, I found myself finally outside. I had never been to this point of the school before. I walked out of a set of doors that had a glowing red exit sign above them. A wide roof covered stone path connected two buildings together. I didn't know what the other building was. Maybe a gymnasium or something?

      A small patio along with a fountain lay on the right of the walkway. I took a step forward, standing in the grass behind it admiring the angel sculpture that was embroidered into the fountain. I sucked in a sharp breath, taking in the crisp cold air. The smell of freshly cut grass and pine crowded my senses. I had always imagined Oregon to smell like pine, I guess I was right. I shivered as I realized how cold it was. Florida was never like this. It was hot and muggy, it always smelled like sunburn and salt.

     There was a strange sense of calm about gazing at the fountain.

Even as I let the calmness seep in, there was still something missing in me. It might sound strange but most of the time it was hard for me to feel anything other than anxiety or hunger. It was like I had this empty hole in my heart where my pain and happiness were supposed to be. I know I push them away, the emotions, I bury them without meaning to. It's my own self protectant button and now I don't know how to get them back. As I stared at the wind blowing so carelessly through the trees, I still felt empty. I still felt numb.

Before I could stop myself I slowly sunk down onto the squishy green grass, not caring I was only in pajama shorts and a t-shirt.

      "Are you trying to catch a cold?" I jumped at the deep accented voice that came from behind me.