internet friends

facetime - 6

I did my best to wipe my tears when I saw Billie was FaceTiming me. She's either a genius or I'm terrible at hiding things because right away she asked, "What's wrong, are you crying?" 

I laughed. "Yeah, I had to do a self tape and I got really into it." That wasn't a lie. But it also wasn't the whole truth. "I promise you, I'm fine." Liar. 

Have I gushed about the way she looks at me? I mean, I don't assume I'm special or anything, I could be making it all up in my head. But I love how her eyes light up whenever we're talking. I love how comfortable she makes me feel even though she's not said anything much. 

It's just so easy to be around someone like her. "Sure... I dunno how much I believe that shit, I don't even know if you can act," She teased.

I hummed. "I tap into real feelings I've had. It's not very healthy, but it works and helps me pay the bills, so, I'm not gonna complain." She rested her head on her palm and scrunched her nose at me. She's so cute.

"What feelings?" I played with a tassel on my pillow, contemplating if I should open up to her. I don't want to intrude, but she asked, and I know I could trust her. Of all people, she'd probably know what it's like to have your trust broken, I doubt she'd do something about it.

"Can I text it to you? It's stupid, I know, it's just easier than saying it out loud." My voice sounded broken, it doesn't come out as more than a whisper, but I knew she still heard when I saw her nod, the saddest smile on her face. 

me: hey

me: i'm really sorry about this

me: it just kinda hurts

billie: baby it's okay

billie: i could not give less fucks

billie: and if you don't want to tell me that's fine 

billie: but if you want to get it off your chest i'm right here

me: god i love you

me: you're such a good friend

billie: mm

billie: have i unlocked the "traumatic backstory" level of friendship now?

me: yes ma'am 

billie: i'm here

me: my parents are assholes

me: my girlfriend was pretty much my only friend

me: but she cheated on me

me: so now i just have you

billie: what about your two friends that don't like heathers?

me: they're more like work friends

me: but they're pretty much all i've got

billie: i'm here

billie: i always will be i promise

billie: and that's all i can promise, but you'll never be alone babe

me: thank you billie

 I exited out of the message app, and went back to our call. "You're so pretty," She smiled widely. "No, I'm serious, you're the prettiest person I've ever met, and I'm a model." She stuck out her bottom lip, hiding into her hands. 

"Thank, baby," She blushed.  "But you're super fucking gorgeous and I'm not about to have this argument with you. I win, you're prettier." I rolled my eyes, shaking my head. 

"So, how are you feeling?" I asked. Billie shrugged.  I raised my eyebrows. "Babe, we never talk about you, and I want to. You're more than just someone I go to to rant about my problems." I smiled softly at her. She sighed and then leaned back into her pillows. I whispered to her, "Just tell me something."

She tilted her head to the side. "Like what, baby?" 

I hummed, yawning. "Anything. I just wanna hear your voice, love." 

"Um, I miss hugs. A lot. I miss being able to feel safe. I miss performing." She started to tear up a bit. 

"Hey, hey, Billie, it's gonna be okay. Oh, I wish I could hug you," I said. She was wrapping her arms around her torso, just the sight broke my heart. "Oh, sweet girl, I'm so sorry. I wish I could hold you and make you feel better, I'm sorry." 

She shook her head. "I'm just sad. There are people losing their fathers, their mothers, their children, it's nothing." I see her wiping away some tears that slipped out. I wish I could take all her pain away from her. That's when I decide that when all of this is over, I'm going to give her something that I hope will make her feel better.

I reach for a pen and paper and begin to write: 

Hi, Billie. I'm writing this on FaceTime with you right now. You're crying because of all that's going on in the world right now, and  I just wanna hug you and tell you that everything's going to be okay. I wish I could take your pain away, it hurts me to see you hurt like this. 

Hopefully, you're going to be feeling better by the time you're getting this.

I love you,

Roxie

"What're you doing?" Billie asked me, I slammed my notebook shut quickly. 

"Nothing!" I shouted, immediately. She smirked, and then a thought popped into my head. 

I want to kiss her.