untitled

tired

I can't tell you how badly
I wish this life was different
I wish my childhood had not been plagued with mess and rejection
My school age years ruined with insecurity and strangeness
My adolescence ill with poor choices and anxiety
And now
my early adulthood
full of doubt and regret
death and misfortune
resentment and distain
I wish I could tell you that I grew up happily
or at least grew into happiness
but neither of those things happened
instead my life is swallowing pills
writing papers
and pretending I don't want to die
Day in
day out
You're probably wondering why I haven't killed myself by now
There is a sliver of hope
The voice we all hear
The one that tells us to wait for the happy family
the money and the golden years
the voice that urges me to keep pushing
when I have already been treading water for months
sometimes I want to tell it to shut up
Sometimes I drown it out with substances
but either way
It prevails, none the less
I am sad to say
That this time feels different
And each time before this
The voice has been weaker
quieter
until it is just a whisper of suggestion rather than a shout of encouragement
I wish I could open the yellow pages of the book of my life and tell you that things got better for me
but the reality is
I don't know if they ever will
And I don't know how much longer I am willing to wait