Seokjin tossed around. The silence was killing him. The silence mixed with the fragile sounds of furniture was turning him insane. The sound he was searching, craving for wasn't there and Seokjin felt more sleepless only with that thought. He tossed around again, hands touching the empty space next to him mindlessly. Soothing his aching eyes and soul with that. But there was no use, his eyes were still wide open, his hands were empty, his heart was pumping out bleeding and his soul was there any word to explain his cracked soul? How could he say his soul was already dead like autumn leaves, falling down piece by piece. His soul was shattering down. The silence filling his heart was so extravagance. It was intolerable and insufferable as he tossed around again. Seeing the moon up at the sky. He got off the fucking bed that couldn't give him a moment of peace. His eyes found the clock at 3 A.M and he was struggling to sleep since midnight. His eyes were burning red and he was tired but sleepless.
"I need fresh air" Seokjin whispered like there was another person too. He changed soon, got rid of the unuseful pyjamas. Seokjin walked out of the house, the place that couldn't give him the equilibrium he needed, he wanted. Streets? No better but still the fresh air and cold breeze were enough to distract him. Distract him from thinking about the time he never had the worry of sleeping. He was fine and happy and happy and really happy. He had all he needed, all he ever wanted but now. Now he had nothing except the sore eyes and lonely aching soul sulking in the streets trying to find the leisure and relief. There wasn't, damn there wasn't any peace of mind where Taehyung wasn't. Taehyung… Taehyung… Taehyung… where was he right now? Where was he sleeping with his baby sleeping face? Hands fisted lightly close to his chest or nestled between his thighs. Smiling once in a while in his sleep and mumbling meaningless words. Seokjin cursed himself for remembering the younger boy and his sleeping habits. Why he had to remember? Why? Why? Why he was easing even by the memories passing in his mind? There were nights, Seokjin used to sleep with a warm soothing body in his arms. The healing scent of Taehyung surrounding him all and giving him a lingering feeling of sleeping forever. There were days, where he used to wake up with butterfly kisses all over his skin and it was the best invitation for Seokjin to hold the boy closer and cuddle with him forever. Seokjin smiled remembering the days he had to wake up early to offer the younger boy breakfast in the bed. He smiled and then cursed. Why he has to remember all the sweet history he was longing for? His heart was bleeding harder, tougher. He felt the corner of his eyes burning as he remembered the days of kisses, cuddles and sleep. His steps were hazier now, unevenly his brain wasn't existing at the moment. Just wandering and venturing in the past and maybe a bit wondering where would he be right now if anything wasn't what happened in the past. A part of him wondering did Taehyung ever miss him? Did he ever try to come back? Fuck the try, did he ever wanted to come back? Why he never reach out? He didn't want Seokjin anymore? If he wanted why he left? If he wanted Seokjin, why he never come back? Three months and seventeen days ago at 4 in the afternoon Taehyung cut all the strings connected. Left for good. Left Seokjin sleepless and drained.
It was like Seokjin hadn't slept for three months and seventeen days. Maybe he hadn't even breathed all the time. Maybe he wasn't even Seokjin the whole three months and seventeen days. Was he lost? Was his soul lost? No, no, he wasn't lost, only his soul was attached to Taehyung. He was sure a huge part of him was next to Taehyung. That's why he wasn't himself. The puzzle he fixed for years was glued piece by piece to Taehyung's breath, Taehyung's existence, Taehyung's holly rectangular smile. Seokjin couldn't do anything, couldn't cure this, couldn't halt the thing he still had for the boy. Taehyung. Where was he really? Three months and seventeen days and had he moved on? Was he seeing someone? Was he alone? Was he with Jimin laughing for lame things or was he in someone else's arms sleeping or worse? Seokjin's hand moved to his aching chest. Rubbed it to soothe the pain.
"It's okay… it's okay my heart… Don't worry… he deserves to be loved…" Seokjin mumbled. His heart wasn't hearing as his heartbeat was increasing and aching ragged. Tears were slipping down, he didn't care. He didn't care as always he does. He was in pitch darkness with empty streets. no one could see the man cracking and breaking. He let himself and his tears be free. He let his mind drift to Taehyung and his moles all over his face and tiny ones on his body. He let his mind drift to the way Taehyung embraced him anytime he couldn't sleep well. He used to play with his hair so delicately, rubbing his back lovingly and planting tiny feather-like kisses anywhere he could. Seokjin could sleep, in fact, he could sleep easiest in that position. There was no need for tossing around, no need for addicting sleeping pills. Just Taehyung, only him. No need for anything and anyone else. Did Taehyung ever feel the same? Or Seokjin was only a fool? Fooling himself that everything they had was real. Fooling himself that Taehyung was real? Fooling himself for three months and seventeen days that Taehyung will come back. He hated his foolish self, still, he kept being foolish by thinking Taehyung was still thinking about him right at the moment.
He dried his eyes with his sleeve when he got close to the bridge. Saw a man there leaning to bridge watching the river passing underneath. He wasn't alone at 3 A.M, he approached closer to see the man smoking. He didn't get closer, the man needed to be alone as much as Seokjin needed. He sat on a bench, mind drifting to Taehyung. How he used to smoke when he was really stressed. How Seokjin tried to prevent him from smoking. Was he smoking still? Had he smoked ever in the Three months and seventeen days? Deep down Seokjin wished Taehyung had not a bad day to tempt smoking. He snapped his head to the man when he felt faint sobs, the man's shoulders were shaking. The cigarette dropped on the ground and hands holding his head. Seokjin didn't know what to do, leave? Stay? Approach?
He stood up approaching close, placing his hand on the man's shaking shoulder causing him to turn around. The man faced Seokjin. He hated the lump formed in his throat as he saw the man's red glassy eyes with red nose and tears wettening his face. How could he be this beautiful?
