Continuing the cycles

If this is love,

Autumn 

This chapter contains graphic violence

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I flinched at the hot water hitting my bruised skin I wiped my face as tears fell down I can't believe I'm doing this I can't believe I'm going through the same cycles as my mother and her mother and God knows how many other cycles I am continuing drugs, sexual assault I thought back on how no one believed me when I told them I was raped my own family didn't believe me the only person who did was my grandmother she knew what he was capable of but I never understood why she stayed with him all these years even after he beat her mercilessly in front of her children but now I understand she can't leave him 

I remember I would go to my Abuela's house on Sundays and my grandpa would be there everyone would go to mass but they let me stay home but I wanted to go with them so bad because no one knew what he was doing to me when they left I kept extra clothes at there house because he told me to he said" I don't want them to find out what we're doing so bring some more clothes" I used to cry myself to sleep on Saturday because I knew I would have to stay with him again the night he raped me I was so scared he was going to kill me he used to touch me and then give me candy but he never went this far he leads me up to the room and tells me to lay down and watch what was on the TV the movie It was an X rated movie, of course, I didn't know that but it made me feel uncomfortable so I turned away from the TV and put my hand over my ears and he slapped me 

"Didn't I tell you to watch the movie" he forced my chin to turn and look at the TV 

"I'm tired abuelito can I go home" I held my cheek with tears in my eyes as a 6-year-old I didn't know what was going to happen to me but the sounds on the TV scared me

I heard the lady on the TV makes weird sounds and I cringed he whispered in my ear 

"Do you love me?" and of course as a 6-year-old I didn't know he was setting me up I nodded my head slowly 

"Well that's what people do when they love each other" he pointed to the TV I furrowed my eyebrows and shook my head no 

"Speak up" that was one thing I remember vividly about my grandfather he never liked when people shrugged there shoulders or shook their head he liked direct messages, not body language 

"No" I put my head down he had never raped me before this Sunday and I knew it wasn't going to be the last time so I put my head in my hands and cried I still don't know why he chose me what was so special about me he put his finger up to my mouth and told me to "Shhh" he turned the volume on the TV down and sat on the bed next to me he grabbed my inner thigh and rubbed circles around it I tried to close my legs I thought he was gonna touch me again and last time he told me he was gonna stop he lied to me.

"Do you love me" he looked at me I looked at him with my tear-filled eyes and nodded my head yes he patted my head and stroked my curly hair 

"Good girl" he laid me on my back and stood over me I felt something on my stomach I looked down and he was taking my dress off I was 6 years old I already had bruises on me from my dads beating so I was weak I couldn't fight back but I tried my best

"I'm gonna show you how much I love you Autumn" those words are still stuck with me almost 14 years ago the first night it happened 

I pulled my underwear down I tried to pull them back up but he took my hands and pinned them above my head 

"Please abeulo no" I kicked my legs he hit my back with his fist and I yelped in pain he forced my head into the pillow and entered my body I tried to scream but I couldn't breathe with every stroke my joy was taken away he grunted in my ear as he satisfied himself with my pain he gripped my thigh and continued to torture me tears flowed down my face as the pain got unbearable he stopped and I felt a substance on my back but I was in too much pain to move he got a napkin and wiped something off my back and cleaned himself off he walked to the other side of the bed and looked at me and smiled 

"Don't tell anyone or I will hurt you again and they will send me to jail do you want me to go to jail?" I shook my head no and he patted my head 

"Good girl" and kissed my forehead he put me in the bath and washed my body so no one would suspect anything I looked at my legs and examined the bruises my private stung as he made me wash the blood from in between my legs I looked at the scratches on my thighs and the bruising on my wrist and looked at him with tears in my eyes

"Hurry up your mom's coming" he walked out the bathroom

 The whole ride home I was quiet 

"So Autumn how was it with your grandparents was it fun?" I looked out the window of my mother's honda civic and thought about what just happened I didn't answer her 

"Awe poor baby you must be tired" she smiled at me I was tired but I was hurting I couldn't feel anything in my legs it was so hard to walk my mom just thought I was too tired to even walk I laid in my bed that night and held my teddy bear my mom had to take care of Adonis I didn't want to stress her out with this I'd rather stay with my dad then go back to abuelitas I thought to myself 

If this is love I don't want it 

"August stop!" I heard my mother yell

"You want to leave huh?" I heard followed by punches and slaps I held my teddy bear tight and cried I heard my door open

"Baby?" my dad came into my room 

"Yes, daddy?"

"Do you want to leave me?" I shook my head no and hugged him he hugged me back 

"But your son of bitch mother wants to leave me" he grabbed me by my throat 

"You wanna go with her?" he asked inraged 

"No sir" I cried as his hands got tighter around my throat he pushed me on the floor and walked out the room 

"That's what I thought" I limped back to my bed and I rocked myself to sleep I felt my neck as it was swelling and silently cried my mother said she loved my dad if he loved her why does he hurt her if my grandpa loves me why does he hurt me? why does she let him hurt her? Is this love?