The one he never claimed. (Complete)

32.

"Hi mom.

Third time this week, you're probably already tired of me." I say then chuckle lightly. I've gone from visiting only once a year to a few times a week.

This is of course something I hadn't been able to do before but since I'm finally coming face to face with my demons, I feel that it's necessary. For my healing.

"I started seeing someone."

About a week ago I decided to put myself out there again.

"Relax, a therapist." I release another chuckle.

After a while of contemplating, I'd decided to go down this path. I don't think that I'm still crazily affected by the things I'd been through like I was a few years ago, at least not so bad that I need therapy. But I'd decided to seek that just to have someone who doesn't really know me to talk to. For a fresh perspective.

"My sessions are only once every three months. She said that I don't need frequent visits." I smile when I say that.

I'd been shocked at first of course because if there was anyone who needed therapy, it was me. But I guess it then made sense when she mentioned that I don't need to have multiple ways of healing.

She said that all I need is to continue on this journey that I'm already on as it seemed effective, and I needed to just be patient with myself. That made sense to me. There's something about helping others that helps me.

I guess I'm not as good at handling my problems like I seem to be with other people. In retrospect, I've always been there for others in a way I was never there for myself. I guess now I know why.

My diagnosis has helped me understand myself better than ever before. Jenifer said that my actions weren't of my choosing and in a way that's helped me be more mindful of the decisions that I make so as to not be driven by my disorder, and this is why I'm doing a lot better now.

Besides being on medication, I've mastered being able to tell when I'm being sucked into my dependent phase and thus stop myself.

She'd called them maintenance checkups. She said that it's to update her on everything and basically for her to make sure that I'm still ok, or rather still actively journeying through my healing.

"I am still allowed to book sessions in between the months though."

She said that if I ever feel that I needed a session, I can always call in.

It's no secret that I'm nowhere near being completely ok, but I'm working on it. Slowly I'm getting out of my shell and she'd taken notice of this, thus her deciding I needn't add another journey in my life. I'm doing so much right now that I might just end up falling right back into the hole because of exhaustion and being overwhelmed.

I'd appreciated her not insisting that I come anyways just to take my money. I think that's how you spot a good therapist. When they care about more than just your money.

I take a moment to look at mom's now shiny marbled white tombstone after putting down the cloth I'd used to wipe it with.

I like to come here just to update her on my life, like I used to when she was still here. I think it's a way of catching up with myself too. It helps with seeing my progress. It's like every time I tell her everything that's going on, I update myself too on how far I've come and if I'm going down the right path.

"Josh seems to be handling the accident better than I'd expected." Better than anyone who would've gone through what he did to be honest, he's doing so well that I can't help the worry that overfills me. I'd prepared myself for a hurricane of emotions from him and I got the opposite.

"I guess I'm now just afraid that being ok is his wall." I don't think it's just 'ok' to not be ok, I think that it's absolutely necessary. I think that it's necessary for one to fall apart in order to get back up again. One doesn't always have to have it all together every time. But also,

"Is this his way of dealing with it?" Josh is a smart kid. I wouldn't be surprised if he's somehow mastered dealing with his tragedy.

"Oh mom, you always knew how to handle these things," I say with a sigh. Mom always had the answers to everything. Even if she didn't, she'd lead you in a direction that'll ultimately give you the answers you need. That's one of the things I miss about her.

I guess my biggest fear is failing Josh. Not only is he my first ever patient but he's someone I've come to care deeply for. I can't help but think he's been brought into my life for a reason.

"Dad and Mary are doing great, they're getting better each day,"
I say now sitting down on her tombstone.

It's been beautiful seeing their love blossom each day. Dad still has a wall up a bit but he's evidently breaking it down, slowly.

I know mom would be really proud that he finally allowed his heart to love again. It took him a very long time but he's made it through and I'm proud of him.

"He finally took the watch off."
Dad never knew this but mom hated that watch with a passion, despite her being the one who got it for him.

She used to say that it was a mindless gift she'd gotten him during their broke high school days that she never thought he'd keep for so long.

It was cute until it wasn't. Mom understood that it was the meaning behind it that dad kept it but the leatherette started chirping and with time it just got disgustingly dirty.

But mom never succeeded in having him throw it away so she'd eventually given up.

"Mary got him a watch and he actually put it on."

I think part of the reason dad never quite healed was that he'd held on to mom even years after she'd passed. He didn't allow himself to move on because he was still madly in love with her.

"I saw Cody the other day. He's engaged."
I continue to pour my heart out to mom's grave.

My heart still hurts when I think about him.

He'd been visiting his mom and I happened to be outside watering dad's front yard garden when he'd pulled over the driveway.

He was with her.

I was looking a mess and she'd somehow gotten prettier than the last time I saw her.

"Hey Alex," he'd said to me with a smile. A genuine smile. He looked really happy, the happiest I'd ever seen him in all my years of knowing him.

"Hey," I'd said back attempting to mimic his vibrant energy but was sure it came out forced. We'd then conversed a bit before he'd made his way to the home he'd grown up in with his future wife beside him.

Even though I'm admittedly not over him, I couldn't help but feel a slight warmth in my heart after seeing him so happy.

He's someone I've known for a very long time and of course I want him to see him in that state.

I want that for myself too, but there's so much I need to journey through first, and until then, I will only be wholeheartedly loving myself.