ALEX | a. hotchner (sequel to BLAKE)

24

"You think he'll crack?" Emily asked.

We were outside the interrogation room and Aaron was about to go in again. We hadn't gotten anything out of Henderson all day. Dave and JJ were off tracing Spencer's steps.

I shrugged. My head was foggy, like when alcohol takes me into oblivion, but I hadn't drunk a drop. It was as if every eyelash weighed more than it should and gravity had been turned up ten fold. Everything about me felt heavy, from my arms to my feet. And I let myself close my eyes one more time as I enjoyed the brief darkness. There is no option to sleep now.

Spencer had been missing for two days and didn't sleep at Aaron's anymore. Couldn't. And I was back to nights when I fell asleep only after being awake for longer than I could recall. It was the kind of sleep deprivation that was painful. I'd sleep for not very long and then wake up as if I was breathing for the first time, as if my body was deprived of oxygen.

"Do you blame yourself?" Emily pulled me out of my thoughts.

I frowned, "sorry?"

"How are you?" She repeated.

"Oh, uh.. I'm fine, you?"

I blinked hard, shaking my head. I was imagining things again.

"Worried," she answered.

I sighed, "me too, I haven't heard anything from Rossi yet."

Emily shook her head, "I'm worried about you."

I frowned, "me? Why?"

"I know you're not sleeping well."

I sighed, "Emily-"

"No, you need to listen to me," she grabbed both of my arms, like she was ready to shake me into compliance. "You are hurting and I am your friend, let me help you!"

I took a step away from her, the conversation I overheard at the hospital flooding my brain.

"I am fully capable of taking care of myself."

"But you shouldn't have to! These nightmares, your subconscious is trying to tell you something." She looked at me with a tilted head, eyes gentle and brows slightly furrowed, "it is not your fault."

I shook my head, "you have no idea what you're talking about."

"Because you never share anything!"

"You're one to talk! It took almost dying for you to share something about your past, and even then you started over in a new lie," I knew I was being unfair, but at that point I didn't care.

"God, Alex, I'm not trying to judge you," she snapped, "I'm trying to save your life!"

I paused, "what?"

"You are killing yourself."

"You gotta be fucking kidding me," I scoffed, "I'm not suicidal."

"What happened when you were little?" She asked.

"I was suffering, why? You think I want to feel like that again?"

"You are reckless, careless with your life, probably because the pain you feel is the only stability you've ever known, it's the only thing you can count on," Emily said.

"Stop," I whispered.

"You are drowning in guilt, because of what your father did, and if you don't get help, one day you're going to die because of it."

Aaron opened the door before I could answer, Penelope following him.

"What's going on?" He asked, looking up from the file in his hands.