ALEX | a. hotchner (sequel to BLAKE)

6

"I'm worried about you," Dave said.

We were in his office, him behind his desk and me sitting on a chair in front of it. I felt trapped under his gaze, I put my arms around myself and slid down the chair a bit. I didn't feel like being put under a microscope today, any less by David Rossi.

"Why?"

"You're distracted, have been for weeks now," he tilted his head to the side and squinted his eyes at me. And when I didn't answer him, he continued, "how long has it been since you slept?"

"Penelope was shot, Dave, I'm not sleeping until we catch that asshole."

"You're no help if you can't think straight," he said. "Have you visited her?"

Penelope had been released from the ICU and  was going home in a couple of days.

I cleared my throat, "no, it's been four days and we have absolutely no leads, there's no time."

"Everyone's made time, you can too," I knew he tried to be gentle, it didn't work.

"Don't guilt trip me, Dave," I snapped.

"I'm not," he defended himself quickly.

"We just have so much to do, we still have to establish the profile."

"Are you sure that's it?" He had that sparkle in his eyes, like they held all the secrets in the world behind them.

"What is this? An interrogation?" I stood up, not really sure why I suddenly felt very warm. "Leave me alone and let me do my fucking job," I said before storming out of the room.

I went to sit at my desk where Spencer was currently reading through some files. I turned on my chair so that I had my back to him, which gave me a clear view of the briefing room where Aaron was discussing something with JJ and Seaver. I felt the urge to run towards him, but I took a deep breath and restrained myself.

I wanted to act strong and nonchalant, but I just couldn't, I felt drawn in. For a split second, my eyes met his. He didn't show it but I knew he saw how desperate I was for his presence, my eyes always gave me away when it came to him. But as quickly as he had looked up, he looked back at Seaver.

I sighed and turned to face Spencer, "anything?"

"This guy is a cipher," he answered. "No prints at the scene, no shell cases, the cellphone he used to call her was disposable, we ran the sketch through ViCAP and nothing."

I sighed.

"Hey, can I ask you a question?" Spencer leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees.

"Yeah, sure."

"How did you know that you loved Hotch?" He asked.

I was taken aback by the question, why would he be thinking about that right now? I frowned and looked down at the floor. I could be who I truly was with him, I could let my personality breathe, and even though I wasn't perfect, we were perfect for each other.

I shrugged, "I guess I just felt it, in my whole body." I looked up at him, he had a small smile on his face. "You know, love is an emotion that comes quietly, it becomes part of the oxygen that you breathe," I said. "So I wasn't entirely sure that it was there, until he was removed from me and my emotions began to choke."

"So you're saying, that if I can't breathe without her, it's love?" He asked.

"It could be, why?"

He shrugged, "just curious."

"Hey," I looked up and saw Aaron standing against the railing, "briefing room," he said and walked away as swiftly as he had come.

I walked with Spencer up the small set of stairs. "This better be some good news because I'm losing my fucking mind here," I murmured as we entered the room.