ALEX | a. hotchner (sequel to BLAKE)

Epilogue

"For Aaron,

This wasn't your fault, I desperately need you to know that. It is not your job to save everyone, you can't, even though I know you think it is. I'm okay with my actions, with my intentions, of what I did and why, because it was rooted in love. But I am sorry that it had to end this way. I'm sorry I never got the chance to say goodbye to you.

I have never been sure of who I am, or where my life was supposed to go. My life didn't have any direction, and I didn't have that true calling like most people do. I was thrown around and it's hard to tell what decisions were made for me, and what I actually wanted for myself. I didn't want to join the bureau, I didn't want to chase monsters, or save the world. I wanted to be close to you, I wanted you to love me, it's all I've ever wanted. I have done a lot of things in my life, some I'm proud of and some I'm not, but none of it means anything if it isn't shared with you.

Do you remember that one case when I openly defied your orders? I know, which one, right? You were hurt in that explosion because of me. I'm really sorry, I don't know if I ever told you that... When we drove back to Virginia afterwards, the little road trip we took, when you almost kissed me. It was on that trip that I realized that I love you. You were quietly humming along to a song, looking out the window and slightly tapping your hands on your legs. It was something about seeing you do something so ordinary, and being so peaceful, unlike how you were at the bureau, that made me fall so terribly in love with you, I was just too scared to admit it to myself. And when you finally told me you loved me, I was so terrified that if I loved you back, you would disappear too.

I have so many regrets, so many mistakes I'd like undone, so many decisions I'm not sure are my own. The one thing that I'm sure of, though, is that you saved my life. I know that you've suffered, too, I know that you were made to fight. We work a job that keeps reminding us of danger and the consequences of failure. But you are the best, the finest, the one I could rely on no matter what. You were the one who understood the true value of a hug and the worth of a kind word. You walked so tall even when they beat you down, there is nobody who ever did it better. You never gave yourself up, you were still able to pull yourself together, and I hope you never lose that quality.

You asked me once if I believed in soulmates, and I said no. But what I do believe is that my heart beats for you, what else is a heart for? I wish mine were to beat as long as yours does, no more, no less. But we can't always get everything we wish for. So whether my heart beats another day or another hundred years, know that it will always be for you.

I wish you happiness, Aaron, I wish you warm kindness and uncontrollable laughter, and 'I love you's from the people who matter. Just don't give glow sticks to anyone else, okay? That one's mine.

And if soulmates did happen to exist.. you were mine.

Alex."