ALEX | a. hotchner (sequel to BLAKE)

4

I was standing in the basement of the house I grew up in, my father was pointing a gun at Rose and then fired. I screamed as she fell to the ground and Aaron came up behind me. He was staring right at me but it was like he looked right through me.

"Do something!" I yelled at him. "Help her, please," I begged him.

He didn't move, just kept watching as I continued to scream.

And then I was on the floor and the bullet had gone right through my brother's green jacket, right through my skin and ripped my heart to pieces.

I woke up in cold sweat, panicking.

"It's in me," I whispered to myself as I took off the t-shirt I slept in, "fuck, fuck, fuck, where is it?"

I searched my chest with my hands for the bullet wound, but I couldn't find it. It was in me, I could feel it ripping me apart and I had to get it out. Tears were already running down my face and it was hard to breathe. I could feel it tearing up my heart, and when my heart  was in pieces it traveled to my lungs, then my liver and then my kidneys. I laid there on my stomach, crying into the pillow, completely destroyed on the inside.

I couldn't go back to sleep after that, so I decided to get out of the building. I snuck out of the apartment as quietly as possible, I didn't want to wake Penelope and explain what happened, I wasn't even sure I knew myself. It was just a bad dream.

I felt like I could finally breathe properly when I stepped outside. I decided to walk around for a bit, try to get that dream out of my head. It was still pretty early, though the streets were empty, which was good because I didn't want anyone to see me cry. The dream had felt so real, Aaron just watching me die.. it made my heart feel heavy.

I started to think about something Rose used to say to me, back when I had just moved in with her. I was so lost at the time, maybe I still am, and she always said "listen to your heart, it will never lie to you." But how am I supposed to listen to my heart when my heart doesn't want to speak to me? I betrayed it the second I left Quantico, the moment I turned my back to Aaron at the airport. However, London was good, good for my soul, but what's a soul when you don't have a heart to match.

I stopped in front of a 24/7 barber shop. Maybe I should?

Before I knew it, I was in the shop, in a chair, telling a young woman to chop it all off. She was hesitant at first, but then cut it to my shoulders, because why would she care if I committed hair suicide?

"You look good," she said afterwards, giving me a warm smile in the mirror.

I bit my bottom lip as a sour feeling crept up my face. I stared at my reflection, not recognizing myself. 

"It's fine," I said. "How much do I owe you?"

I knew where I needed to go after that. I hadn't visited since the last time I was here, five years ago. I knew I should've gone there as soon as I came back, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

I stared at the ground, grass covering most of it, although, small bumps of dirt could be found here and there. I put my arms around myself in an attempt to get warmer, rain threatened in the air and I knew that if I didn't get out of the cold I was going to get one. I couldn't go before I remembered where she was, where we left her.

My knees hit the ground and as my hands went through the grass, there must be a trace somewhere. My cheeks turned hot and wet from the rain that had started to fall. I walked on my hands and knees through the cemetery, until a hand grabbed my upper arm and pulled me to my feet. He grabbed both sides of me to keep me from falling.