PLEASE LEAVE A RATING OR COMMENT! Thanks!
A year ago, college student Sarawat was swept off his feet by a mysterious stranger at a concert. Suddenly that guy, Tine, has burst into Sarawat's life with a wild request: pretend to be Tine's boyfriend...
Saturday morning found me lying in bed staring at the ceiling as hot tears streamed down the sides of my face and soaked into the pillow beneath my head. Falling asleep had proved to be impossible. I thrashed around in bed until I had become too exhausted to move, and too distraught to turn my mind off.
Fuck! Why did I go over there?!
Since leaving Tine's dorm room, I had been continuously reliving the fiasco in my head. Going to his room drunk and upset was a terrible idea, yet I had done it anyway. I could be aggressive and impatient around Tine when alcohol wasn't involved, and I could admit to being possessive of Tine when others seemed to get his attention or time. But seeing a picture of Tine with Phailin had ignited an obsessive fire within me, fueled by all the alcohol I had drunk.
Why did I kiss Tine?!
I regretted forcing that desperate kiss onto Tine's lips, but his lack of any reaction to my overreaction took the heaviest toll on my psyche. Silence had never felt so devastating until I experienced it from Tine. I sensed in those immediate moments after the kiss, when Tine's eyes were blank and his face expressionless, that I had erased my whole existence from his life. If he had reacted in any way, good or bad, I would have felt seen. Without a response from Tine, I became nonexistent. I never wanted to imagine a life without Tine, but I knew that I would be nothing without him.
Why was I so fucking obsessive over Tine?
I had tried to forget what Tine told me in the beginning of our relationship – he liked girls – but those words had never disappeared from my mind. In the darkest part of my consciousness existed a future I dreaded, a freighting possibility that Tine would never fall in love with me. But that possibility had quickly become a probability, sparked by a drunken, spontaneous kiss that played over and over in my head.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Morning sunlight began to creep into my apartment, forcing me to take a quick break from living in the past. For a moment, I was aware of the time that had passed since leaving Tine's place. The hours had dragged by; less than six or seven hours had felt like an entire day. I reached for another pillow and covered my face with it. I wanted to stay in complete darkness. A soft, pitiful whimper escaped my throat and the crying continued.
Fuck!
I wanted to be angry. If there was anything that could mask hurt, it was rage. But I had no reason to be upset with Tine. He hadn't done anything wrong, or anything intentionally hurtful to me. When I had talked to Tine through text Friday afternoon, he told me he was going to be out with friends. I wanted to use that to get angry: believing that Tine had lied to me to cover the fact that he was out with Phailin and knew how I would react. But I couldn't make that assumption. Tine had never lied to me before. Phailin could have caught up with him at any point in the evening after he and I had talked. I couldn't get upset with Tine over a suspicion I couldn't prove.
