Sarawat's Story

Part XXXIII: A Different Shade of Green

(06/18/2023: I edited the ending, the part after Tine and Sarawat leave the building. -J)

Tine and I talked for a while after we ate pizza, but thankfully the conversation wasn't about Dim and Green. Around 9:30, I left to walk home after Tine promised he would spend the next night at my apartment. And as much as I didn't want to think about Dim or Green, a familiar nagging feeling had crept into my mind. As I slowly walked, I pulled my phone from my pocket, dialed Green's number, and took a deep breath.

When the call went directly to voicemail, I sighed with relief and instantly felt guilty. As one of the few people who knew about Dim and Green's relationship, I was in a unique position as someone with whom Green could talk openly about his feelings. I worried that Green was feeling guilty about Dim's resignation, and frighteningly, the same emotion, guilt, had begun to trouble my mind. I felt the urge to convince Green that Dim's resignation wasn't his fault, but I couldn't deny that I was hoping I could also convince myself that I was just as innocent.

I arrived home a few minutes later and tried calling Green again. I knew it would go to voicemail again, so I left a message: "Call me when you can, okay? I just wanna talk to you. I don't care what time it is; just call me back. Or text me. Let me know how you're doing. Okay? Anyway, yeah, just call me."

I studied until 11 o'clock, then quickly showered and prepared for bed. Still, I hadn't heard from Green, and I felt a sense of déjà vu from the night before when I couldn't get in touch with Dim. A thought emerged as I fiddled with my phone, debating whether to call Green again. Regardless of Green and Dim's relationship, Green was my friend. He called himself my "gay dad," I couldn't deny that I had come to accept and even cherish the friendship. As a friend, wouldn't I expect Green to keep reaching out to me until he had made sure I was okay? Why should I treat him any differently?

I sent Tine a simple "Goodnight, boyfriend" text message, and he responded immediately with a smiley-face emoji and a kissy-face emoji. Then I messaged Green. Where is my gay dad? I wrote, smiling a little to myself. I want to talk to him! I miss him! Please call me or text me so I know you're okay. Please. I'm a little worried about you! I turned off the lights, got into bed, and placed my phone on the pillow next to my head, just in case a call or text came through while I was asleep. Frustratingly, as I woke up Thursday morning, there was nothing on my phone from Green.

Tine messaged that he wanted us to have breakfast at the dining hall before classes, so after showering and dressing, I walked to campus. I thought to stop by Green's dorm first, but I didn't want to keep Tine waiting. I figured I could go to Green's dorm after breakfast or around lunchtime if I hadn't heard from Green.

In the dining hall, Tine ordered a bowl of oatmeal with bananas, and I bought a bowl of cereal. We sat at a table near the middle, and as we ate, we talked about school. Whenever someone walked into the dining hall, I'd quickly glance over my shoulders to see if it was Green.

Finally, I decided to talk to Tine about Green.

"So, I was thinking," I began, looking away quickly, "maybe we shouldn't tell anyone about... well, you know... the person you know who was seeing on campus."

Tine's brow furrowed momentarily, and then he nodded for me to continue.

"It's just, you know... since one of them is a student and the other was a staff member, it wouldn't be fair to reveal that information to anyone, in case the student doesn't want everyone to know who he is."

Tine put a spoonful of oatmeal in his mouth and said nothing.

"You and I said we'd tell people about us when we felt like it because it's our story to tell. I think we should do the same for them."