WHEREVER /JJK

Chapter 33 - Acceptance

Much to Jeon's surprise, it was Hei-Won who requested for him to meet with her. They agreed to meet in the JG apartment after Jeon was finished for the day. Jeon was a bit wary, hoping that Hei-Won wouldn't be difficult to talk to. He ordered some pizza just in case Hei-Won was hungry, reminiscing on the times things were still good between them.

Thinking about those days saddened him. He really was happy with her back then. Even when Jia was already around, he was still happy with Hei-Won. The problems started when she began pushing him towards Jia, testing his feelings for her, watching his every move. It exhausted him to be careful around her all the time, not being himself.

He heard Hei-Won keying in his security code. 

"Hello, Kookie. Oh, you bought pizza. I brought burgers." She said, looking uneasy.

"That's good. The more food, the better."

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Sit, let's eat while the food is still hot. How have you been?" He tried to make the question sound casual, careful not to trigger anything.

"I've been busy. I applied for another job and they've accepted me."

"You don't want to write anymore?"

"I want something more stable. A former colleague linked me up with an app developer in Singapore. They need someone who can organize events, tackle technical writing, and handle public relations."

"So you plan to relocate?"

"It's just for six months, the main office is here in Seoul. I just need to help them settle their communications in SG. Once that project is over, their headquarters will take me in."

"Sounds like a good deal. I hope you it's really what you want."

"I could use a change of scenery."

He looked at her, trying to see if there was any underlying meaning to what she said.

"Hei-Won, why did you break up with me?"

"I....I felt wasn't making you happy anymore. It was like everything I said triggered a bad mood."

"We could have talked about it. I tried my best to understand you."

"I know you did. It's all my fault."

"Don't say that. You know, even up to that last moment before you broke up with me, I was determined to make it work. Even when I was already feeling the toxicity eating us up, I wanted to prove to you that the things you were scared of didn't matter."

"We were doing so well before Jia arrived, Kookie."

"So you're blaming her for our break-up?"

"No. She didn't need to do anything to break us up. Our foundation was shallow."

"Why do you say that?"

"Kookie......when you came back from New York, you were a mess. She really affected you in a way I never would. I came in, knowing fully well that you were trying to recover from something. Although we were happy, I knew the moment she arrived that things would change. You would change. And you did. You tried to hide it, but you still had feelings for her."

"You never gave us a chance. You automatically assumed I would change, even when I chose to be with you. I chose you, Hei-Won. I stayed with you because I loved you. But you continuously pushed me away, you put me through situations to test me and I felt manipulated."

"But these are moot points already, right? You're happy now with Jia."

"You think it's that easy for me? You think I don't worry about you?"

"How can it not be easy? I lost my self-esteem when I found out I couldn't conceive anymore. Knowing how you loved children, I didn't want to be selfish. I didn't want to hang on to you with the fear that someday you'd realize everything was a mistake. Even if you think we would be ok now, eventually you'd leave me."

"That's the thing, Hei-Won. You made all of these assumptions on your own without discussing them with me. What made you assume I'd give up on you easily?" 

He saw that she was starting to tear up. He took her hand and looked earnestly at her.

"Hei-Won, that really hurt. I can't believe you convinced yourself that eventually, I would leave you."

She closed the space between them and hugged him as she cried. He felt her confusion and pain, and let her hold on to him.

"Kookie, answer me truthfully. If I didn't ask for a break-up, would you have stayed with me? Even with Jia around?"

He broke free from her arms, gently holding her by the shoulders. "I would've stayed with you Hei-Won. We could've gotten married and adopted, I was prepared to do that. But maybe, we would eventually break up, because you weren't determined to stay with me. You only saw our weaknesses, not our strengths. You didn't fight for me."

"So I guess it's really over between us."

"Do you still want me back? Is this why you came today?"

"Even if I had you back, the fears would still be there. I want to be in a relationship where I'll have peace of mind. Besides, I think it's too late for me now. I've seen you together, Kookie. You're different when you're with her."

Jeon felt her pain and he felt guilty for causing her this. He remembered his conversation with Jia, about being a little more sensitive to Hei-Won, and he now regretted his words then.  

"Hei-Won, is there anything I can do for you?"

She shook her head, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

"I think I need to pick up the pieces on my own, to make myself whole again. That's why I applied for the job in Singapore."

His vision clouded. In his heart, he hoped Hei-Won would find herself and pick up the pieces of her life. 

"Have you talked to Hobi about all this?"

"Yes, I did. Kookie, I know Hobi and you are friends. He's been really helpful and supportive, he also admitted he likes me. But I think I need to find myself first before I get into another relationship. I want to be with him when I'm whole again. Is that ok?"

"Of course it is. Anything to make you happy, Hei-Won." 

"So this is goodbye, I guess. Can I have one last hug?"

He obliged, crossing the space between them and holding her in his arms one last time. They both cried, finally ending their relationship with no ill feelings, just sadness. Jeon held her face in his hands.

"Don't be a stranger, ok?"

"Only for six months."

She buried her face in against his chest, hugging him tightly one last time, taking in as many memories as she could of him from this day.  When she finally let him go, she left him with her heart still aching but her eyes already dry. 

She can do this, she told herself over and over. 

Inside, Jeon said a prayer for Hei-Won, wishing she would finally find what she was looking for.