The Quest for Fireworks

When You're Ready

    Taking it slow doesn't seem like an option anymore. The next day, the need to be with Jordan is so overwhelming. It's not that I need to see him or I'll die, or that the only thing I can think about is him, it's just being away from him makes me feel less. Like when I'm next to him, I'm full and when we're apart, I'm half empty.
    So I text him. I ask him if he'd like to come over, order a pizza, watch a movie and have a lazy Sunday night. He says yes and an hour later we're sitting on my living room floor, eating pizza right out of the box and watching a horror movie.
    Of course we end up kissing and missing the end of the movie. But when I get the courage to move so that I've got my knees on either side of his legs, he stops kissing me shortly after.
    "Sorry," he says, out of breath and laughing. "We should take a break."
    I wipe my mouth and get off of him. I didn't realize just how intense it had gotten. We've never done anything more than make out but I know that if, at any given moment, it went there, I would be ready.
    "Sorry," I say, once I've put some distance between us.
    Though I'd love to keep going, I like that Jordan is really trying to take it slow with me. He really listened to how I was feeling and he's doing whatever he can to keep me from freaking out again.
    "It's ok," he says. "More than ok. I just don't know if we're there yet."
    I feel a nervousness creep into my stomach for some reason. I thought he stopped to keep us from going too far, too soon but what if he just doesn't feel that way about me.
    "Oh, yeah," I say, trying to play it off.
    "It's not you," Jordan says, sensing my negative thoughts. "There's just some things we have to talk about...before."
    "Of course," I say, shocked by just how respectful this guy is. Most people I know would never have a discussion about sex before they have it.
    "I haven't had bottom surgery," he blurts out.
    Honestly, it takes me a minute to figure out what he's talking about. I feel like an ass for basically forgetting why he would have reservations. I was too worried about myself to remember he has his own set of worries.
    "But I have prosthetics if you're into that," Jordan continues. I can tell he's trying to sound normal but that he doesn't like talking about this.
    "I'm into whatever you're into," I say before I realize that's not the point of him opening up to me. "I mean, I want to do whatever makes you comfortable."
    Jordan runs his hand through his hair, his hat lying abandoned on the couch behind him. "It honestly can change daily. Some days, I'm completely ok with what I have and other days I can't stand the feeling of my own skin."
    His words break my heart and I move to get closer to him. Someone this great, this pure, should never feel anything less than that. I don't know what to say so I just put my hand on his leg.
    "I know that no matter how I feel, you'll understand so I'm not as scared as I normally am. Like just now, I was feeling great and forgot again until I felt you on top of something that wasn't there. Does that make sense?"
    I nod and hold my emotions in check. If I cry it'll only make him feel bad. "I'm sorry, I should've asked-,"
    "Don't apologize," he says, cutting me off and grabbing my hand. "Please. You did nothing wrong. It's just me."
    "You didn't do anything wrong either. It's ok that you needed to stop and it always will be ok."
    Jordan smiles then and moves his free hand to reach for my face. "Come here."
    I lean into his palm as his thumb wipes a tear I didn't know was there. He leans in further and kisses me. "I never thought someone like you existed," he whispers. "I thought this part of me would always be something no one could see passed. I thought it would be easier to just leave, check out early. I've never wanted to be alive more than I do right now."
    The softness of his voice and the severity of his words makes me cry more. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him as close to me as possible. I know in this moment, I will spend my life making sure his is worth living. Even though I'm not completely sure where this road is leading us, I know we're meant to know each other. I know that being in each other's lives will only make them better.
    "Don't cry," Jordan says, lightly rubbing my back. "I don't want you to be sad. You make me happier than I've ever been so you can't be sad."
    I sit up and wipe my face. "I just wish there was more I could do."
    He pushes my hair off my face. "Just keep being you, that's all I need."

    So that's what I did. Everyday, I just kept being myself. I texted him when and what I wanted to, I asked him to go places and come over and I didn't think too much into any of it.
    Tuesday I drug him out to dinner with Riley and I,  he made such an impression on her that once we were alone Riley said, "if you don't marry him, I will."
    Over text, we talk about anything and everything. From our favorite Harry Potter characters to what we think happens when we die. We share all of our favorite things, colors, foods, animals and we always end up saying "but I like you more". We stay up too late and wake up too early just so we can keep talking and learning and being together.
    The week goes by fast and even though it hasn't been that long, each day solidifies what I thought I've felt from the moment I saw him. I really really like him.
    Friday Jordan comes over as soon as I sign out of work and we sit on the couch watching TV, my legs draped over his like it's the most natural thing in the world, because it is.
    Jordan's phone rings and he leans up to get it out of his pocket. He looks confused, clears his throat then says, "hello?"
    I can't hear what the person on the other end is saying so I only get half of the conversation. "I'm at Avery's," he says. Then after a pause he says, "yeah, maybe." Then he chuckles and says, "we'll see."
    I'm trying not to be nosey but not knowing who's on the other end is making me nervous.
    "Ok, I'll let you know," Jordan says before saying bye and hanging up.
    I start counting the seconds until I can't help but ask who it was but only three go by when Jordan says, "that was Dakota."
    Of course it was. I haven't talked to her and I haven't asked Jordan if he has but I guess I know the answer.
    "She wants us to come over tonight. She said she's having some people over and she misses us," he says, like he's afraid I may bite his head off at any moment.
    "Why does she want me there? We haven't talked in forever."
    Jordan adjusts his hat. "I told her we've been seeing each other so she told me to bring you."
    I guess it makes sense. Jordan and Dakota are friends. If he was dating someone else, she'd tell him to bring them too. Jordan's date just happens to be someone Dakota has also hooked up with.
    "I'll go if you want to," I say. "You were the one who had a bad experience last time."
    Jordan raises his eyebrows and nods. "I remember. I think we should go, though. Maybe it'll be different now that she knows we're a real thing."
    "A real thing," I repeat, smiling playfully. "That sounds pretty serious."
    "Super serious," Jordan says, leaning closer to me.
    I look at his face, his smile, his eyes and I wonder how we got here. How have I changed my mind about relationships and love so quickly with just one face.