The Quest for Fireworks

First Day of My Life

We walk silently until we come up to a pier jutting out over the Delaware river. Tall street lamps light the way to the end. As soon as we step onto it, Jordan takes a deep breath.
"She tried to kiss me," he says.
Irrational anger flares up in my stomach. I almost drop his hand like somehow he did something wrong but I end up squeezing tighter.
"Oh," I squeak out.
"I told you she gets weird when she's drunk," he says.
"That's not an excuse," I say, trying to keep my voice level even though I want to walk all the way back and slap Dakota. "If she knows you don't want to be kissed then it shouldn't matter if she's sober or not."
"I know," he says and I feel his grip loosen on my hand.
"She does know right?" I ask before I can stop myself. Too many emotions have turned the filter off between my brain and my mouth.
"What do you mean?" Jordan drops my hand and the emptiness is debilitating.
I stop walking and take a deep breath. "It's just that the guy next to you tonight asked if I was your girlfriend and said he was happy you were finally moving on from Dakota because she keeps leading you on." I'm out of breath by the end of the run-on sentence but I feel lighter.
"Of course Dakota would tell people that," he says, shoving his hands in his pockets and looking away from me. "You know how she is. I told you the truth though, we're just friends. She's the only friend I really have around here or else I'm not even sure if I'd still hang out with her."
I can tell he's hurt both by what I've told him and the fact that I didn't trust him enough to just ignore it.
"I'm sorry," I say, starting to walk again, hoping he follows me. "I believe you. I've just been lied to a lot so my trust is a little broken."
"I would never lie to you," he says, walking next to me. "Especially about things like that. Your trust means a lot to me, you make me feel more comfortable than I've felt in a very long time and I don't want to lose that."
His honesty takes me by surprise even though, by now, it shouldn't.
"I know. I mean, me too," I stutter. "I just have a habit of expecting the worst from everyone."
"I understand," he says and I'm reminded of his ex and how he really does understand.
We make it to the end of the pier and I lean against the railing, looking out over the water. Jordan stands next to me, his arms crossed on top of the metal bar. The summer breeze is nice and I can hear the faint sounds of music in the distance.
"You don't have anything to worry about," Jordan says, his voice suddenly light. "You're the only person I have a crush on at the moment."
I whip my head around to look at him and he's smiling, embarrassment flushing his cheeks. "You have a crush on me?" I ask, putting my hand on my chest, like it's the most unbelievable thing I've ever heard. "What a coincidence, I have a crush on you too."
Jordan smiles wider and takes a step toward me. I know what's about to happen and I watch it all in slow motion, taking in every second. He reaches up and gently grabs the side of my face, his fingers right below my ear and pulls me to him. I watch his tongue dart out to quickly wet his lips as he looks down at mine.
I pull in a sharp breath, close my eyes and wait. I feel his mouth touch mine and it's not fireworks. It's more than that. It's an explosion, it's an atomic bomb, it's TNT, it's dynamite all going off at the same time.
My stomach clenches in the best way and I forget how to breathe. I feel like I might float away so I reach out and grab him around the waist. Jordan takes his other hand, presses it to the other side of my face and steps closer, leaving absolutely no space between us.
The kiss deepens and I truly feel that I might pass out if I don't breathe soon. I suck in as much air as I can through my nose and let the scent of his breath intoxicate my brain. It's the perfect balance of mint and beer and him. It's mostly him. I want to bottle it and smell it forever.
Jordan stops kissing me and rests his forehead on mine. "Whoa," he breathes.
"Yeah," I say, sounding just as wispy.
He laughs. "That's such a rom-com thing to say but that's exactly how it felt."
"I know," I say, laughing too.
I wrap my arms around his back and move my head out of his hands to rest it on his shoulder. He hugs me back and it feels like the safest place in the world. Like no matter what happens around us, nothing would touch us.
"I'm really glad I met you," he says into my hair.
"Me too," I say as I shiver. A mix of the wind off the river and the excitement running through my body.
Jordan backs away and takes my hand, leading me back down the pier without question.
"Truly, I thought I was done dating. I was convinced there was no one else out there for me," he says, a little laugh at the end to make it sound lighter.
The word dating sets off alarms in my head. Two people that like each other and kiss and hold hands, the next logical step is to start dating. Be in a relationship.
Am I ready for that? A week ago, I would've said no, absolutely not. But has he changed my mind already? Could I see myself in a relationship with him?
I can see it being great and perfect, until it isn't. I can see someone getting their heart broken and being right back where we started. I can't help it, I can only see it ending badly.
I force myself to giggle at his statement but I can't bring myself to form words. We walk in silence for a few minutes.
"Are you ok?" Jordan asks.
"Yeah, just tired I think."
I feel bad holding in what I'm really thinking but this is what I meant about unloading my shit onto him and forcing him to deal with it. Or, even worse, being too much too soon and losing him altogether.
We make it back to the car and he opens the door for me. I don't think anyone has ever opened a car door for me. I have a vision of me slamming the door closed and opening it back up for myself because I'm perfectly capable of opening doors but I shake it away. Calm down. It's a nice gesture that does nothing to take away my independence.
I thank him and get in the car, composing my face as best as I can. Jordan gets in behind the wheel and taps on his phone to make music play. It's softer than it was before and the genre seems tamer too.
I lean my head back against the headrest as he drives us back toward home. We barely speak except for everytime he changes the song, he asks me if I know it. Most of the time I say no but there are a few I recognize.
Even though it's quiet, it doesn't feel uncomfortable. The drive seems shorter than it did on the way in and before I know it, we're back at my apartment. Jordan pulls into a parking spot and puts the car in park, leaving it running. He takes off his seat belt and shifts himself to face me. I know what he's doing and for some reason, I panic.
"I had a great time," I say, opening the door, turning on the bright light on the ceiling. "Thank you for driving. I'll text you later."
I watch his smile fall and turn into a frown. "Oh, ok," he says.
I can hear the confusion in his voice but I still get out of the car. "Goodnight," I say and close the door before he can say anything else.
I rush to my front door, unlock it and close it behind me again. I lean my back against it and close my eyes, letting all of my emotions consume me. It's been a while so I let myself cry, though I'm not exactly sure why.
All I can see is the disappointed look on Jordan's face, all I hear is the question in his voice and I'm scared I ruined everything. I have no idea what I've just done.