The Quest for Fireworks

Ocean Eyes

    At 4:30, Jordan texts me and tells me to be ready by 5. He doesn't say where we're going or what we're doing so I have no idea what to wear. I decide on black denim, high waisted shorts with a white and pink striped, button up shirt that ties at the bottom. I throw on a pair of black and white Vans just as Jordan knocks on the door.
    He looks as perfect as ever. Tight jeans, button up short sleeve shirt, converse. "No hat," I say.
    "It's a special occasion," he jokes.
    I step out, close the door and follow him to his car where he opens the door for me again. Since I'm not stressing out, I can actually appreciate the gesture.
    I touch his arm before sliding into the car. When he gets in on the other side, he lets out a long breath.
    "I was going to try to keep it a secret until we got there, but I'm nervous that you will be underwhelmed."
    "I'm sure I'll be excited about anything," I say, laughing.
    "Do you like aquariums?" He asks quietly, looking over at me.
    "I love aquariums," I say with genuine excitement.
Jordan let's his shoulders drop. "Good, we're going to the aquarium. I'll keep the second part a secret for now."
    "You didn't have to plan something big," I say as he puts the car in drive and pulls away. "We could've just gone to the mall or something."
    "It's our first official, but totally unofficial date. I had to make it special."
    I chuckle. "I can't remember the last real date I went on. It was probably years ago."
    "No pressure," he fake mumbles.
    "None at all," I say, smiling. "This is already the best date I've ever been on."
    Jordan glances over at me and smiles. The sunlight coming through the windshield illuminates his already luminescent eyes. I want to tell him how beautiful they are but my nerves get the best of me.
    The rest of the drive we spend focused on the music coming through the speakers. Jordan has on the playlist I've heard before with the songs that he added just for me. We sing and laugh when I make fun of him for being obsessed with Africa by Toto.
    We quickly pull into a parking lot across from the aquarium. I've been here before but not in a very long time. I climb out and meet him at the back of the car.
    "Can I hold your hand?" Jordan asks shyly.
    "Of course you can," I say, extending my arm to him. "Anytime you want."
    We cross the street and make our way to the entrance where Jordan takes out his phone to have our tickets scanned. As soon as we're inside, my stomach fills with butterflies. I feel like a teenager on a date with the boy she likes, holding his hand, feeling nervous.
    "Where do you want to start," he asks, looking up at the different signs over each entryway.
    The signs show pictures of different types of animals from starfish to penguins to sharks. I point to the one with the starfish all the way to the right. "Let's start there and make our way around."
    Jordan nods, squeezes my hand and leads the way. I follow behind him until we come up to the first tank. It's huge and brightly lit with several different kinds of fish swimming around. We look together until I can feel his eyes on me and I look at him. He nods toward the next tank, silently asking if I'm ready to move on. He continues this process, looking more at me than at what's in the tanks, waiting to continue until I'm ready.
    We hold hands the entire time, even when we come up to the touch tank, full of fish that are safe to pet. I don't want to look scared but I kind of am. I hesitate with my free hand over the water as a sand shark swims by.
    Jordan's watching me, I can feel him, so I whisper, "I'm scared."
    "Here," he says, letting go of my hand and placing his other one on top of mine, linking our fingers. "We can do it together."
    We extend our pointer fingers and I let him submerge our hands under the water. I see the little shark coming back and I hold tight to Jordan's hand, feeling more confident than before. The shark glides underneath our fingers and the softness surprises me.
    I pull in a sharp breath and look at Jordan. He's watching me, smiling and I can't help but smile back. We pull our hands out and dry them off before continuing down a darker corridor.
    "I'm glad you're having fun," Jordan leans in and whispers.
    "Am I that obvious?" I ask, a little embarrassed.
    We come up to a dark tank but before I have a chance to see what's inside, I feel Jordan's hand touch my cheek and pull my face to his. He kisses me and I kiss him back even though it's not something I'm used to, kissing in public. It's short and G rated but still takes my breath away.
    "I'm sorry," Jordan says, his hand still on my face. "I've been wanting to do that since I picked you up."
    I feel my cheeks heat up and I breathe in to calm my nerves. I try to focus on what's in front of us, which is a huge octopus, but I can't think of anything other than finding a dark corner to keep kissing in.
    We continue on, going outside to see the penguins, coming back inside to the shark tank. Next to the shark area, there's a theater where they show a short film every half hour. I have no idea what the movie is about but I pull Jordan inside as people file in for the next showing.
    I walk all the way to the back row and sit in the corner. Luckily, the movie begins and there is no one next to us or in front of us. I gather up all the confidence I can and reach over to grab Jordan's face the way he grabbed mine.
    We spend the entire fifteen minutes kissing, even when a shark attacks the camera and everyone else screams. We break away only when the lights come back on and I wonder if we could hide here and sit through it again. But Jordan stands so I follow, he grabs my hand as we walk out.
    Jordan checks the big map displayed next to the theater. "I think we've seen everything. Is there anything you wanted to see again?"
    I smile, mischievously. "Well, the movie was pretty good."
    Jordan smiles back at me and quickly kisses my nose. "I agree," he says. "But my car is a little more private."
    I raise my eyebrows and feel my cheeks flush. "That is true."
    So we leave the aquarium, sit in his car and make out like the teenager I've felt like all day. Time seems to pass slowly but the next time I open my eyes, the sun has started to set. I could stay here for the rest of the night but I remember what Jordan said before we got here.
    "Didn't you say there was a second part?" I ask, out of breath.
    "Would you be mad if I said this was it?" He asks, chuckling.
    "Not at all," I say, giggling and leaning back in to kiss again.
    Jordan kisses me once then pulls away. "I'm kidding," he says. "There's dinner."
    After a fifteen minute drive, we arrive at a place called Sushi Planet. I don't even try to hide my excitement, sushi is the one thing that makes me happiest in this world.
    "How did you know sushi is my favorite?" I ask as we walk in.
    "A little bird told me," he says, trying to play it off but I know who the bird is. The same bird who bought me sushi on my birthday.
    I push away thoughts of her and focus on being here with Jordan. We order too many rolls and a bowl of edamame. Jordan admits he's not a frequent sushi eater. He ends up hating more pieces than he likes and he doesn't even know how to use chopsticks. I do my best to teach him but he ends up accidentally throwing a piece of sushi across the table. We laugh until I have tears coming out of my eyes and everyone in the restaurant is looking at us.
    Before we get the check, our waiter brings us a piece of cake with a candle in it. I start to explain that we didn't order this but he cuts me off and says, "for the happy couple. On the house."
    I feel slightly embarrassed since this is only technically our first date and we're not really a couple but it's too nice of a gesture to refuse it. I look at Jordan and he looks at me, smiling and shrugs.
    We eat the cake together without discussing it, shy smiles on both of our faces. The people in this restaurant see what my friends have seen. Megan, Ben, Riley, they all said we'd look cute together and that Jordan was already into me. Of course, I know that now but the fact that complete strangers can see it too has to mean something.
    Jordan pays, even though I try to insist since he paid for the aquarium tickets. He walks me out to the car and opens the door for me, something I've come to expect. Not that he needs to, but it does make me feel special.
    Before he starts driving, he leans over the center console to kiss me. After not kissing for over an hour, it feels like the first time all over again. I forget who I am, I forget where I am and I let myself get lost in it. I kiss him like I need his breath to survive.
    I reach out and put my hand on his chest, desperate to get closer to him. I feel him tense up under my touch but his mouth stays with mine. A second later Jordan takes my hand from where I've placed it and moves it up and around the back of his neck.
    I stop for a second and mumble, "sorry."
    "It's ok," he says, shaking his head slightly. "I forgot for a second."
    "Forgot what," I say, the hormones making me confused.
    "What my body really looks like."
    My stomach drops. I feel like such an idiot. I didn't stop to think that there may be things he's uncomfortable with, places he'd rather not be touched. "I'm so sorry," I say, pulling away further. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
    "You didn't," Jordan says, reaching to gently grab my arm and keep my close. "It's just that I don't think about being trans when I'm with you."
    I nervously push my hair out of my face. "Is that bad?"
    "No," he says, smiling. "A lot of times, I feel like that's all I am. With you, it's just a thing that I am."
    "It's true," I say, tentatively, trying not to say the wrong thing. "There's a lot more to you. It's just one of many things that make you the incredible person you are."
    Jordan kisses me again, softly, sweetly. "Thank you," he says.
    "Thank you," I say back.
    "For what?"
    "For letting me know you."
    We kiss for a few more minutes until I think I can't handle anymore. "We should probably leave this parking lot," I say, once I force my mouth away from his.
    He huffs. "I guess you're right."
    Jordan starts driving, love songs playing on the radio, windows down with the warm August air blowing through my hair. I'm happy and relaxed and exactly where I'm supposed to be.
    Until I realize he's taking me back to my apartment and anxiety courses through me. Do I invite him in or not? Will he be offended if I don't? Or offended if I do?
    I feel myself start to sweat as we get closer. I decide to put my big girl pants on and be honest with him, something he's always been with me.
    "Jordan," I say, getting his attention as we pull into my apartment complex.
    He turns down the radio and glances at me. "What's up?"
    "Should I or shouldn't I invite you inside?" I ask, feeling nervous and embarrassed.
    Jordan smiles slightly as he parks the car. "I don't think I would turn you down if you did," he starts, "but I think I shouldn't. Taking things slow and all."
    I nod and exhale. "Ok, I just didn't know what the right thing to do was."
    He grabs my hand and I relax even more. "The right thing is to talk to me about anything."
    "Why are you so perfect?" I ask, reflexively.
    He laughs. "Why are you?"
    I kiss him, chastely, and move to get out of the car. "Thank you for everything."
    "You're welcome," he says, his bright eyes shining in the interior light. "Next ones all you."
    The promise of another date sets butterflies loose in my stomach.