The Quest for Fireworks

Crystal Clear

Jordan finds a parking spot by my apartment, parks and turns off the car. He gets out of the car and I follow him. A few times, when we've gone to dinner and come back, he's come inside without discussing it but now, it feels different.
I'm not mad that he didn't ask, I'm just nervous for what this means. I try not to read into it as I unlock the door and walk in, Jordan behind me.
Ellie comes running at the sound of us and immediately goes right to Jordan. She's taken a liking to him pretty quickly. Jordan bends down and picks her up, letting her lick him as he pets her.
"She's the real reason you come over," I say, joking, as I take my shoes off.
Jordan slips his shoes off without untying them. "You caught me," he says, smiling.
Something about the air feels different and I know it's probably in my own head.
Jordan sets Ellie down and she runs out of the room probably to find a toy to bring back to him. He walks over to me and brushes the hair out of my face.
"I come over for this," he says before softly brushing his lips over mine.
For a second, I think back to how many beers he had tonight but I'm pretty sure it was only one. It's kind of sad that I assume someone is drunk when they make a move on me because that's what I'm used to.
The soft touch does something to my insides, sending pins and needles through my entire body. Without thinking I stretch up and reach out to grab Jordan by the back of his head and pull him to me again, planting my lips on his, hard.
Thankfully, Jordan wraps his arms around my back and leans into me. This feels different, more urgent, like this isn't enough. Truly, I'm not sure if it will ever be enough, if I'll ever get used to kissing him.
Ellie comes back with a stuffed toy that squeaks, stretching up on Jordan's leg to get his attention. We laugh and break away, Ellie having ruined the moment. Jordan leans down and steals the toy, leading Ellie over to the couch where he sits and lets her grab the other end of the toy. They tug it back and forth before Jordan gets control of it again and throws it toward the kitchen. Ellie runs away and I sit next to Jordan on the couch.
"You know," Jordan says, looking at me shyly but with a hidden fire still in his eyes. "There's probably somewhere more comfortable we could be."
I raise my eyebrows. "Oh yeah?"
Ellie comes back but thankfully hops up on the other end of the couch and keeps herself occupied.
Jordan nods. "Like somewhere we could lay flat instead of sitting up, I mean we've been sitting up all day."
"If you mean a bed, I hate to break this to you but I don't have one," I say, as seriously as I can.
Jordan's face turns from playful to concerned in a millisecond. I try to keep a straight face but can only hold it a few seconds before laughing.
"I'm kidding," I say, standing up and offering him my hand.
Jordan's face flushes but he takes my hand. We walk silently back to my room where I pray I don't have dirty clothes laying around. But it doesn't matter because when I reach my hand out for the light switch, Jordan stops me.
"Don't," he says softly. "We don't need it."
My stomach fills with nerves. I mean, I assumed the reason we were coming in here was to do things you can do with the lights off but hearing it makes it real.
It's not so dark that I can't make out where things are but it's dark enough. I guide Jordan to my bed since he's never been in this room and watch his silhouette as he climbs in. I get in next to him and lay there, waiting for a sign or a signal.
"I want to kiss you but I can't find your face," Jordan whispers, a laugh dancing in his words.
I move closer to him and slowly reach out my hands until they cup his face. He meets me halfway once he can gauge where I am and the kiss resumes the way it was in the living room.
We keep kissing and our legs tangle together and our hands move over each other's bodies. It's not close enough, I need to be closer.
Just as I'm about to move on top of him, Jordan stops and pulls his head back. "I'm going to take this off," he says.
"Ok," I say, although I'm not exactly sure what "this" is. "Whatever makes you comfortable."
He gets out of bed on the other side but in the darkness I can't really see where he goes or what he does. Less than a minute later he's back.
"It's just my binder," he says. "It gets really uncomfortable after wearing it all day."
I know that a binder is a compression shirt that flattens a person's chest to give them a more masculine look. It helps with body dysphoria and affirming their gender.
I don't say anything, I just sit up and take my shirt off too, throwing it to the floor. I want him to be comfortable with me and I'll do anything I can to help.
I reach out and touch his bare shoulder. He moves slightly, not a flinch, more like a twitch. Like he wasn't expecting the contact.
"Just try to avoid the chest area," he whispers.
This is how it should be. Talking and setting boundaries, letting the other person know what makes you comfortable and what doesn't.
I move my hands to hold his face and press my lips to his. He hesitates and then kisses me back. I feel his lips shake against mine.
I pull back a millimeter. "We don't have to," I whisper.
"No, I want to," he says, his voice louder. "I've never wanted to more."
He starts kissing me again and before I know it we're under the covers, completely naked. I let him kiss me and touch me anywhere and everywhere. I'm conscious of where my hands are but not so much that it takes away from the experience. It's easy to respect someone and still enjoy them.
Jordan takes my hands and shows me where he wants them. He takes more control than I thought he would but I'm not complaining. Being with him like this feels like the most natural thing I've ever done, like breathing.
I've had this idea of fireworks and what they would feel like. I don't know if this is that but I do know it's unlike anything I've ever felt before. It's caring, it's soft, it's impulsive, it's meteoric.
And even when it's over, it still feels like euphoria.

He slept over. He stayed with me. He held me while I slept and I held him too. When the sun came up in the morning, I didn't feel ashamed or sad. Looking at him in the light only intensifies all of the amazing feelings I felt last night.
I sneak out of bed, get dressed and make my way to the kitchen. I turn on the coffee pot and try to remember how Riley makes omelettes. I fail miserably and end up making scrambled eggs.
"Good morning," Jordan says behind me, startling me. I turn around to see him holding Ellie, smiling.
"Morning," I say back, reaching out to scratch Ellie. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to Jordan.
He answers for me by stepping closer and leaning in for a kiss. This doesn't feel like a hookup, one night stand situation. This feels like the beginning of a habit I'll never want to break.
"I hope you like eggs," I say, turning back to the stove. "I'm out of cereal."
"I like eggs," he says, setting Ellie down and pulling out a chair from the kitchen table. "Not as much as I like you though."
"Or as much as you like cereal?"
Jordan laughs. "Exactly."
I put the eggs on two plates and turn back around, setting them on the table. "I like you more than eggs too."
We smile at each other before I walk to the coffee pot and pour some into two mugs. When I get back to the table, Jordan's face looks different, almost sad.
"Oh shit, do they taste bad?" I ask, worried I made something inedible.
"No, they're great," he says, though it doesn't even look like he's picked up the fork. "It's just, I can't talk about cereal anymore, I have to say the word."
My stomach drops and I feel the color leave my face. I know exactly what he's about to say.
"I love you, Avery. I loved you almost immediately. And I know we're supposed to be going slow, I know you're nervous about this ending badly but I can't picture my life without you anymore. So the only way this ends is if you want it to. Because I love you and I don't think I'll ever stop."
Jordan blinks a lot but we never break eye contact. I can tell how sincere his words are just by the sound of them. I don't know what to say or what to think so I don't do either. I just throw myself at him, quite literally and wrap my arms around him. I squeeze him so hard I think his head might pop off. Never in my life has anyone declared feelings for me like this. Never did I think anyone could.
After what feels like forever, I get the courage to look at him again. He looks happy but still reserved, like he's not exactly sure how I feel. I take a deep breath and say, "I love you."
It's all he needs to fully smile again. He kisses me and I kiss him back and I will this feeling to never end. Somehow I know it won't, it can't. As long as we have each other, we will always have love.