The Quest for Fireworks

King City

I'm working from home this week because I can. I told my boss it's my birthday week and I expect to be treated as such. Also, I have the luxury of being able to work from home almost whenever I want. I've surprisingly gotten a lot done and by Thursday I'm done all of my articles for the next week.
I sign off for the day and pick up my phone, expecting another text from Riley asking about menu choices and signature drinks. Instead, there's a text from Dakota. She never said anything after the text Riley sent Sunday so I'm surprised to see her name now.
She sent a picture of me from I guess That Night that I didn't know she took. I'm sitting on her couch with my legs tucked under me and a White Claw can in my hand. Those damn things, I'll never drink one again. I'm laughing and my eyes are squinted both from my chubby cheeks and the alcohol. I look happy.
The text underneath says "cute pic". Really? That's all she could think to say? Why take time out of her day to send me this and say something stupid?
I'm irritated and have no idea what to say so I just type "thanks" and hit send before I can think more into it.
Another text pops up before I even have the chance to lock my phone.
"See you Saturday," it says.
My stomach flips and I'm excited and nervous and angry. Part of me wishes she'd just go away, that I'd never have to see her again. Another part of me wants to see her right now.
I decide not to say anything back. Our communication stopped for this long, no sense in picking it back up now.
I put down my phone and head to the bathroom. I stand there and look at myself in the mirror. I don't hate what I see but I don't love it either. It's taken me a long time to even get to this point, though. For a long time, I just avoided mirrors altogether. Now, staring at my frizzy hair and my red cheeks, I see me. The me I've always been and always wanted to be.
For years, I was trapped inside a relationship that turned me into someone else. That's why I've been on this journey of self discovery. This empowering, I don't need anyone, I can do anything mentality has brought me back. I'm learning to be independent and self aware after being tied down and owned for so long.
I not only lost myself, I lost everyone around me. Riley is the only one who stayed by my side through everything. I've gotten a lot of my friends back and I've made a few along the way too. I'm excited for this party that Riley is putting together because it'll be the first time I've been surrounded by people who care about me in a while.
Figuring out who you are at 25 can make you feel like it's too late, like you've missed so much you might as well continue on the same path but just because everyone around you has been going in a straight line doesn't mean you have to. Make U-turns, three point turns, hell, do donuts, whatever you need to be exactly who and where you want to be. Letting go of the worry and the planning will put you where you need to be, no matter what that might look like.

———————————————————————————

It's 7pm when my phone rings. No one ever calls, not even my own mother. I pick up my phone, worried that something bad happened, and the name at the top of the screen is Corinne.
I have half a mind not to answer, text her after it stops ringing with some excuse as to why I couldn't answer but somehow my finger hits the green button without my permission.
"Hello?" I say, and it really sounds like a question.
"Hey, Stranger," her sultry, sweet voice floats into my ear. "What are you doing tonight?"
Deja vu hits me hard. We've had this conversation before, many times and it always ends with me at her house, on her couch, under her. For some reason we've always stopped before it could go any further than just kissing but still, the girl can kiss.
"Um, nothing, I guess. Sitting here watching tv," I say, trying to sound as casual as possible as my mind runs though all the possible scenarios of us hanging out again.
"Want to come over?" She asks, just like I predicted.
I should say no. I should say, you ignored me for weeks, why should I? Are all of your other options busy tonight?
But in spite of myself I say, "Sure, I can be there in half an hour."
And exactly 33 minutes later I'm at her front door.
Corinne opens the door and motions for me to enter. "Avery," she says as a greeting.
She's wearing black track pants and a white T-shirt. Her dark hair is pulled into a messy bun on top of her head, her light colored eyes standing out brilliantly against her dark skin and she's wearing her clear framed glasses. I told her one time I liked her in glasses and I can't help but wonder if that's why she chose to wear them now. I walk past her and her usual woody smell smacks me in the face. I feel my skin instantly start to tingle and my mouth goes dry.
"Wine?" She asks from behind me as I make my way to the couch.
"You know me," I say because she does, at least when it comes to what I like to drink.
I sit and she disappears into the kitchen, glasses clinking, a cork popping. "So, big day coming up, huh?"
"The party?" I ask, it's the first thing that comes to mind because I was preparing to ask her if she was really coming. "I guess so, Riley's more into it than I am. She loves planning things."
Corinne returns with two glasses of red wine and hands me one. "Well, yes that but I was talking about the reason you're having the party."
I take a sip and revel in the familiarity of the situation. "Ah, yes. Another trip around the sun."
"You'll be," she pauses a minute to think and I raise my eyebrows at her in warning, "25?"
I smile. "I like you," I say, before I realize what I'm saying exactly. "Close, 26."
"You don't look a day over 18," she says, raising her glass to her full lips.
"Thank you, I think?"
We both laugh. Hers is airy, almost dry but so sexy. I down my wine to try and distract myself from my own thoughts. When I look back at her she's looking at me, dangerously.
"What do you want?" She asks.
I raise one eyebrow in confusion and excitement.
"From the birthday fairy," she clarifies.
I laugh again. "Birthday fairy? Never heard of her."
"Really?" She asks, leaning to put her glass on the coffee table in front of us before moving closer to me. "She grants your birthday wishes, gives you whatever you want for your special day."
The heat radiating between us becomes almost unbearable. My clothes feel too tight and I want to take them off. She places her hand on my thigh.
"Too bad my actual birthday isn't until Monday."
"I think I can pull some strings," Corinne says, leaning even further into me, putting her other hand on my cheek and pulling my face to hers.
Our lips touch gently and for a moment my nerves evaporate. This isn't our first kiss or our second and it almost feels natural at this point. The thing I've always noticed though is it doesn't feel like fireworks, it never has. It's electric and passionate but it feels no different than any other kiss I've ever had.
Sadly, I can't even remember what kissing Dakota felt like, I was too gone. Though, the lack of feeling indicates it wasn't fireworks either.
The kiss deepens and I lean up to set my glass down without breaking contact with her lips. I slink my now empty hands around her neck and pull her closer to me. I've definitely gotten more comfortable in these kinds of situations, between her and Dakota I've been practicing a lot.
For a second, I feel gross, almost ashamed. I've never been one for casual hookups but here I am, making out on the regular with someone who has no intentions to date me. Not to mention the one night stand. A voice in my head tries to tell me this isn't me, I shouldn't be doing any of this but just as quickly I tell that voice to shut the hell up. I can do whatever I want, whatever I'm comfortable with and whatever makes me happy.
I take a deep breath through my nose and lean back, initiating our usual position. The difference between this and the night I spent with Dakota is I'm completely coherent, I know what I'm doing and I have complete autonomy over my actions. I know that tomorrow, it'll still mean nothing but that doesn't stop me from grabbing the bottom of Corinne's shirt and pulling it over her head.
"Are you sure?" She asks with a sly smile. "I've never tried anything because I wasn't sure if you wanted me to."
Somehow, her confession makes my chest warm and I feel safe knowing she's always been waiting for my consent.
"I'm sure," I say, trying to keep my voice calm.
"Ok," she whispers before reaching for the bottom of my shirt too.
I sit up just enough for the fabric to be pulled out from under me and swiftly discarded on the floor.
With so much of our skin exposed, the air shifts and suddenly I'm breathing heavy, my hands shaking. Corinne leans down again, grazing my chin with her lips and moving down to my neck, my chest, further. She kisses a trail down to the waistband of my jeans. She unbuttons them, pulls down the zipper and starts working them down my legs all while looking in my eyes.
I try to convince myself that I'm dreaming as she starts kissing my thighs but even I know I couldn't make up something that feels this good. It's been a long time since I've let someone this close to this area of my body and I can't help the weariness that creeps in. I close my eyes and will myself to focus on the sensation, not the situation.
Suddenly, her mouth is gone and I feel the couch shift as she stands up. I open my eyes as she reaches down and scoops me up in her arms. It's insanely romantic given the circumstances. I can't help the laugh that escapes and it makes her smile too.
Corinne carries me across the room, down the hallway, through a doorway and sets me down on her bed. This is the second bed that isn't my own that I've been naked in in less than a week. That little voice in my head threatens to spew negativity again but I tuck it away and let go.