𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮 | k. sakusa

8. more like 7.5 but make it longer and 'mayhaps' sadder? ('；ω；｀)

⚠️ art credits : @/mcgooen on twitter ⚠️

࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ

⚠️TW: obscure mention of self-harm,
implied mention of suicide ⚠️

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

Soon it was about time for you grandma to go to your grandpa's. Of course she still didn't want to leave you all alone, but she had seen you smile and laugh a lot more recently, so she was a tad bit relieved. And it wasn't like you were gonna stay alone for the first time. She took a cab and left in the evening. 

You rolled in your bed and sighed as a strange feeling settled in your guts. You hid your face in the pillows, not wanting to look around the room.

When your grandma had waved at you this evening, you had felt something wear off from you. It wasn't until now that you realized, it was actually a facade you had put over yourself for making people around you feel like you were happy. Your grandma always had that effect on you.

Now that you were completely alone, tears you didn't know you were holding in, started to fall seamlessly. You had no idea why you were crying. It wasn't like you were scared to be alone in your house. It was more like you were scared to be lonely with your feelings. 

The feelings that made you do things you didn't want to do. The feelings that made you draw red lines on your faultless skin with a silver paintbrush. The feelings that reminded you every second, how you were not enough. The feelings that took advantage of you being all alone, and fed your mind with all the sad memories and how you were responsible for them. 

With a sane mind, you could easily point how erroneous those accusations were, but right now, your mind was a bully. Unable to hold so many things anymore, you decided to go out for a walk. Maybe the fresh air would cleanse your mind a bit? 

You got out of the bed, changed into something casual, picked your phone and some money, locked the door and started walking down the road. Your neighbourhood was sparse. Not many people were seen any time during the day, much less in the night. 

You went to the nearby bridge. It was a place that could either calm you down or make you want to jump. It was a double edged sword, a gamble. Nevertheless, you went towards the railing, putting your hands over them and lowered your head on your hands. Looking down at the river made you feel different sorts of things.

But the most prominent was, longing. Longing for your mother. Everytime you looked down, you couldn't believe how someone could jump off this height into the depths of such a vast river. You wondered how your mom had gathered such strength.

You didn't realize for how long you had been standing there, when you heard your phone buzz. It was a text from Sakusa. Over this short span of time, he had become quite a friend of yours. He wasn't like Miya twins. As much as you loved those two dorks, sometimes you felt restrained around them. More like you had forced yourself to. You didn't want them to be worried over you, so you never let them know about your insecurities.

And Sakusa, well he was just a text buddy. You doubted if he would even want to befriend someone like you if you guys knew each other in real life, outside the phones. Telling him anything didn't mean much to you, as he never seemed too worried to not make a shit-eating remark. You turned around, away from the edge, and leaned your back on the railing before taking your phone out.

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

saturday