Save Me From Myself

Chapter 8

Rose's POV

The day passed by slowly but I didn't bother sobering up. Having no food in my house just meant I needed to have some more drinks to feel full anyways. It was dark out now, dark and cold, but I could see from my window across the street the lampposts' light was shining brightly on gentle snowflakes as they fluttered from the sky down here to meet their eventual doom.

Snow always made me feel different inside. I love snow, I adore it's pure white simplicity from afar, but its delicate complexity when examined up close. Snow made me feel close to the Earth. To me no matter how bad life was in the moment if it was snowing those problems wouldn't seem as big and scary. Snow minimizes pain, possibly due to the cold but also because it was like magic sent down to tell you all will be okay.

My phone rang and Benjamin's name flashed across the screen.

"Hi Benjamin" my voice slow and low

"Hi Rose, how is it going? What are you up to?" He sounded nice on the phone.

"Mmm I'm just watching the snow fall, flake...by...flake, I love the snow Benjamin, it's just so beautiful" It came out as a bit of a whisper and a bit of a slur.

"Rose are you drunk again?" Benjamin's voice changed, it came out a bit demeaning.

I cringed at the tone feeling angered by his quick judgement, "So" I uttered.

"So Rose that's not good. You shouldn't be getting drunk alone every night of the week."

"I'm FINE Benjamin, don't worry about it"

"Rose, I do worry. You're clearly not fine if you think drinking is the way to deal with your feelings. Talk to me Rose you don't have to drink you can just talk to me."

"Wow, okay, thanks for the tip. You know what Benjamin I'll do something different then if me drinking is just so terrible for me."

"Rose I'm Sorr-"

"I told you! I told you that you wouldn't like me very much if you got to know me. You're barely scratching the surface Benjamin" My words were cold, attacking. "Don't bother being sorry, I know how much of a fuck-up I am" I clicked to end the call before he could even have a chance to reply to me.

He thinks I'm just a depressed drunk now and well he's not wrong but he doesn't understand. I fucking knew he wouldn't be able to understand me. Where does he get off judging me for having a few drinks to ease my mind? My mind is full of thoughts and if he had the same thoughts as me he would be drinking too. 

Once I was done being mad I was hit with a wave of sadness, because this is my life and this really just happened. I've always been alone and I'll always be alone. No one will ever begin to understand my messed up brain, not like I've given anyone the chance but I don't even understand it. God I'm so sick of feeling things and now this alcohol is just making me sad.

I saw my phone begin to ring again with Benjamin's name on the screen but I don't bother answering.

Looking out at the snow again I found myself drawn to it. I walked outside to see if the cold could numb my mind like it would my body.

My feet felt cold, but the cold helped numb the emotions so it was worth it. Do you know that feeling when the physical pain finally tops the emotional? That feeling of out of body bliss when your mind just goes absolutely numb to everything. All I was feeling right now was my feet freezing in the snow, my eyes unfocused looking at the sky. I felt delirious, like I was slipping out of my conscious mind.

I don't know how much time has passed consciously, but in the next moment I felt my brain working, I was still outside but now sitting in the snow. This happened to me sometimes, emotional numbing and time loss. I'll do something different then if me drinking is just so terrible- the words I spoke angrily played in my mind. That something different was all I could think about. It had been nearly two years since I harmed myself that way, the bloody way.