Save Me From Myself

Chapter 10

The next few days were filled with just gentle niceties, neither Rose nor Benjamin wanting to pop the bubble of kindness and talk about the reality of the situation. Benjamin didn't push Rose to tell him anything she didn't want to freely share, fearing it might make her resent him and their arrangement.

What was this arrangement?

They had agreed that Rose would spend this week at Benjamin's house, full access to the guest room of course, but Rose has yet to sleep there always choosing to spend the night next to the warm body that made her feel less alone. This arrangement included rules though, Rose was to not drink as a vice to her feelings, and she had promised to come to Benjamin before things got too dark if she was desiring the kiss of a blade. Benjamin made rules for himself as well, telling Rose we would not try to advance their relationship in any ways that could impact her recovery process, this included no brain chemistry changing sexual contact which includes mouth to mouth kissing. Benjamin knew he'd allow Rose to mask her feelings in romantics if she tried but that wouldn't be beneficial to either of them. He also knew that if he was allowed to show Rose how much he desires her he wouldn't be able to stop.

Neither of them of course have told or will be telling anyone about their current living situation, but rather agreed to spare any added troubles this would all be their little secret for the remaining 5 weeks of the semester. Benjamin didn't help Rose with his class but all her other ones he had been happy to help her catch up and understand better the things she had missed the week previous.

Rose's mental health was still not on the upside going into the next weekend but she and Benjamin both knew that it was due to a relapse as well as him taking away the booze that gave her emotional numbing for the last few months...

-*-*-

Rose's POV

I was trying to focus in the guest room on my homework, there was a nice desk in here where I've been working while Benjamin works from his office. I just couldn't focus though, there are too many thoughts swimming around my brain and they won't stop. They haven't stopped all week and I've been too scared to say anything because he'll probably be upset with me. A piece of me knows that is untrue but it feels true in the other piece of me.

I hate being so aware of my thoughts and aware that they are bad and unnecessary but they don't stop. I remember how I used to do this thing when I was craving certain junk foods like a poutine, I'd wait at least 3 days and if I was still craving it I would allow myself to have it-so it must be more than just intrusive thoughts that make me want to hurt myself. If it has been on my mind all day every day since Saturday and it's Thursday now that must mean I'm meant to do it? Right? I know it'll stop everything else, it'll finally provide me the peace of mind I've been craving for days. If I want drink my thoughts away I have to do this.

I walked into the guest bathroom to splash some water on my face to calm down. I was opening the drawers to look for a clean cloth when I saw a pack of razors meant for shaving sitting in the bottom drawer. I'd like to say that before I came to my senses I had already broken apart the casing to get out the delicate piece of metal, but no, I was painfully aware of every single move my hands made. The snapping of the sides, prying the soap piece off, breaking the handle to use as a wedge to get the backing off. Now more than ever I was fully aware of the power I was currently holding.

This is what I want isn't it? Relief? This is what I've been daydreaming about all week.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and it brought me out of my head back to the reality of the situation-what the fuck am I doing?

Remembering the promise I had made on Sunday I wiped the tears from my cheeks even though I know they'll quickly be replaced and willed myself to walk towards Benjamin's office.