Battleground | Criminal Minds (gxg)

Chapter 4

Elle's POV

I lie in bed with the covers pulled up to my chin and my hands beneath my head. It's well after the time I crawled into bed but my frazzled mind won't permit me to fall asleep. I stare at the ceiling, my eyes tracing shapes in the shadows.

My first shift at the bar is next Monday. It's a strange feeling, suddenly having your life pulled away from you. I'm wandering, attempting to find any strand of consistency to cling to. I've found one: I'm miserable. I don't want to get out of bed and I don't want to sleep. I don't want to eat and yet I'd work through an entire bag of chips just to do something. It's hardly been twenty four hours since I've left and this new life is already driving me insane. It would be so easy to get in my car and drive home. To pick up a phone and say something, anything. I didn't even say goodbye.

I love you more. That's the last thing I said to Carli. I love you more.

I believe it. I do. I love her enough to know that if I stayed, if I go back, it'll destroy us both.

I jump at the sound of my ringing cell phone, a shrill drone that disturbs the quiet of the room. I grab it from my nightstand and flip it open, staring at the number on the screen.

She called me. I didn't think she would, but there's her name, staring right back at me.

My finger hovers over the button to answer but I can't bring myself to move. I'm frozen, staring at the shape of her name. The ringing stops and the screen goes dark. I sigh and drop it into my lap. And then it rings again.

Shocked, I scramble for it, the plastic falling out of my hands before I manage to hold it steady in front of my face. Again, my finger hovers over the button. I don't know what to do. The decision is made for me when the fifth ring fades and the screen darkens once more.

I gently place the phone on my nightstand with final defeat. I didn't think she would call me. I thought she would find me gone, find my key, and realize why I left. She must know why I left. She must know it's not because I don't love her. And she wouldn't call, because she would know it wouldn't change anything. Or maybe it would, and I'd come crawling back and beg for forgiveness and she would hold me and dry my tears and promise to stay with me.

My phone dings, signaling a message. My hand shakes as I reach for it. The notification tells me I have a new voicemail. It takes me a few tries to hit the correct button and the receiver crackles to life. There's a brief pause before her beautiful voice flows through.

"Please stay safe," Carli whispers, full of heartache. "I love you, Elle."

My heart breaks at the lovely words carrying the pain of a broken promise. The message ends immediately after and I save the voicemail without hesitation. I play it again, desperate to hear my name on her lips.

"Please stay safe. I love you, Elle."

She sounds exhausted. Lonely. Like every emotion she's tried so hard not to feel is poured into the short message. I play it once more, the sound of my name hanging in the air.

"I love you more," I whisper into the darkness.

────

Saturday crawls by in the soft pages of a book and the click of computer keys, my hands laying a foundation for my new life. My mother comforts me in the only ways she knows how; some of which I've grown out of since I was young. I'm not who I used to be. She's beginning to understand that.

I used to be innocent and naive and convinced that the good guys always win. The hands of a drunk man shattered the peaceful ignorance of youth and launched me into the cold streets of reality. When I joined the FBI my view had been distorted to fit into the shape of the truth. When I left the FBI my view was long abandoned, replaced by the pain of women I couldn't help and the cries of women I could, the evil intentions of too many monsters, the burning of a bullet in my flesh and soft hands I couldn't hold onto.