Agape

Don't call me that

Chapter 26

Ella:

A boundless bottomless ache sits somberly in my chest as I lay in my mom's bed. Silently my tear ducts leak and soak her pillow all the while watching Queen's Gambit with Olivia and Wes until they finally dry out. Although I love the show, I can't focus on it. Not when every little sound my ears pick up causes me to jump in panic. Or the fact that Declan's not here, not holding me, not telling me everything going to be okay, not in my sight, and not being my shield.

It's not that I don't want him here, it's more that he can't be here. He hurt me more than Hayes ever could, he lied to me, he broke a promise, he ignored me. As much as he claims he doesn't like secrets between us, he sure has a funny way of showing it. When I look at him my heart breaks over and over again. Each time it does I remember why and that's exactly why I can't forgive him. Or at least trying not to.

Hayes didn't show up at my house because of me, he showed up because of Declan. I'm collateral damage in a family feud I have no part in, Hayes said so himself. I'm in danger because of Declan, and my mom was part of that danger not that long ago. As I run the facts through my head, I try to think logically weighing the pros and the cons. But nothing my mind comes up with changes the way I feel about Declan. Not even the fear for myself.

It doesn't matter how much he hurts me or how badly he hurts me or how badly his family hurts me. It doesn't matter because I love him with a force that even I don't know the depth of because that's how deep it flows. It scares me; to admit it scares me more. In the back of my mind where the dark corners wreath with shadowing despair, an inkling of forgiveness sits boldly in the blackness twinkling brightly in my denial. He's a star in my mind, one that will always be forgiven no matter the circumstances because sometimes that's just how it goes.

But in spite of how much he hurt me, telling him is not on the top of my priority list. Just because I've forgiven him doesn't mean he needs to know it, and it doesn't mean that I'm okay with what happened. Quite the contrary. Hurt doesn't just disappear. It routes itself into you making a home for itself in the empty cavity of your chest, twining weeds around your ribs sometimes choking you from the inside out. Branding you, marking you, scaring you from within like your very own fabricated insignia.

Being with Declan is dangerous, but being without him is something I can't even contemplate let alone visualize. Maybe I'm selfish or maybe I'm stupid. Maybe I'm both.

Olivia and Wes spent the night last night, knowing my fear of being alone. Wes slept downstairs on the couch while Olivia slept beside me. They even went as far as skipping school today.

Thomas came home shortly after Declan left yesterday, he was working out at the gym while I was running for my life. He didn't suspect a thing nor did he let up on the disappointment he had towards me. He made it crystal clear he wasn't fond of my 'attachment' to Declan and I was beginning to understand why. Declan was everything to me, and in Thomas's mind, no one person should be everything. They can be a big part of your life, but they can't be what controls your life. Apparently, it's 'unhealthy'.

That's exactly what my mom said the day we fought. Maybe they're right. But what Declan and I have feels like the sun streaming in your veins, energy that burns between us and never fails to dim. To break it would be like the pain of millions of stars splintering apart if that were even possible to begin with. Thomas wouldn't understand that but weirdly enough he appeared to like Wes, more than I thought he would.

Through my bottomless well of a mind, I wonder why exactly my mom hasn't shown up yet. She should have come home last night at least at some point, but she has yet to show up. She hasn't even called to check in or say she would be late because she had to work overtime. As much as I hate to admit it, I've been waiting for her arrival, waiting to see her and feel some sort of warm safety with her presence.