To Love a Gangster

To Be Thinking Out Loud

You laid wide awake on your back in the dead of night with a sleeping Frederick lying on your chest, clinging ever so tightly onto you.

The way his face looked so innocent to the world without a single line creased across his features and how his signature heavy-weight breathing scolding hot with wrath now slowed down into a peaceful heavenly state had made him look completely unrecognizable.

To also add on the way he would hold you in his sleep at the end of the day would often times make you forget that he was a boss of a street gang and make all those melancholy memories of him abusing you melt away.

You didn't know why. You had absolutely every right to hate him from after everything he has done and put you through to put you in harm's way, whether it be physical or not. However, you could never bring yourself to, no matter how bad he hurt you.

You know something is wrong with him and that something in his life made him this way, which explains why he still holds you at the end of the day, clinging to you like an infant seeking comfort from its mother while he sleeps like you were the last thing that could keep his very little sanity.

Nobody ever wishes to live a life as a gangster so you know that he must have gone through a long, hard journey to get to where he stands now.

You know it's a tough life out there with all the physical battle scars marking his damaged existence and him stumbling home every night with wounds for you to fix as evidence.

It was all something you truly pitied. Something obviously broke him in his past, so you play the role as his comforter after a long day of him being out in the streets. You do this all to make him feel safe and loved, hoping for the same feeling in return.

Some days are surprising better than others. When his mood is content and when he's not out in the streets, he spends the whole day with you cuddling and holding you in his arms on the couch whether you have a movie playing or just in silence blissfully.

There are even rare occasions in which he will take you out and go places with you. With you being the significant other of a gang leader, your days in the sun are limited so you soak up your moments out as much as you can before you are forced to stay inside once again.

Those days with him are the best. They would usually happen the day after he would have an outburst with you and then the world would turn and he would make you feel so special and not want to leave him afterwards. Those are the days that make you think that he is not all that bad, they are the days that make you want to stay.

But now, after he physically caused harm your way for the first time made you question your upcoming future with him.

As much as you want to stay, another part of you wants to leave. Who knows if that will actually be the last time he hurts you.

Although you somehow have hope of changing his heart for good, you don't know what the future of remaining at his side holds. You knew you were dreaming up fantasies at the possibility of a happy ending, but once again, you were drugged up and shackled in his forever grasp of you.

You sighed under your breath in the silent darkness. This whole situation was nauseating to think about, driving you crazy with all these emotions left and right, suffocating you in the darkest part of your mind.

You should have just left as soon as you acknowledged the first signs of his dangerous side when you had the chance. Yet, in hindsight, you were just naive and adventurous at the time playing around with experiments. And now you are trapped in his toxic love over you.

You remember when you were fresh out of high school when you first met him. You were an honors student with a kind, innocent personality and never in a million years did you ever think that you would date a dangerous man in your life. You had come to New York to go on your last adventure before college when you accidentally took the wrong turn to your apartment.