eve
my eyes follow harry's figure trudge away from the situation. i could almost feel his jealousy, but how could i blame him? watching his best friend tell his ex girlfriend that 'we're going home'. envy surged through me as i watched him with that girl, the fact he brought her here to somehow get back at me. and guess what, harry lewis, it fucking worked. all my improvements, finding ways to move on, learning to love myself, it crumbled to pieces in front of him. i have completely fallen apart again, just like i did when i saw him in bed with another girl, an image that still plays on my mind no matter what. i find my mind wandering, thinking about how differently things could be if harry and i found ourselves back together, being able to actually show each other love. because i know he is the one, i'm broken without him and it has been too long.
"come on, uber's here." cal whispers into my ear, placing an arm on my lower back as i instantly notice that harry has faded away into the darkness. but i wish i chased after him. to tell him he is enough. no matter how often he fucks everything up, i would do anything to find myself back in his arms again. happiness no longer feels the same without him. london no longer feels the same without him. but tonight he has made me feel miserable, making it so obvious he can achieve a girl who is physically way better than i am in every way possible. i just want to hide myself away.
cal and i remain silent. i can't even bring myself to look at him, until we walk into my flat and i throw myself onto the sofa. "you okay?" he hums, ripping his jacket off and bringing himself next to me.
"i don't know." i mumble. "just feel like shit about myself."
"don't say that eve. you're beautiful and amazing, you need to realise that."
"whatever." i sigh, still sniffling from the collapse of my 'secure' mental state.
"what did he say to you outside?" he questions. i breathe in deeply, i cannot bring myself to tell him the truth.
"oh, erm." i look up at him, "just told me i should calm down and erm," i ponder, "just saying he is sorry. nothing new."
"you've still got me." cal grins at me, pulling an arm out for me to fall into him. i shuffle my body slightly, resting my head on him as he rubs my shoulder.
"i know." i nod, looking up at him as i softly smile through the despair. sighing has quickly become my new language, as we sit in silence, exhaling.
i contemplate where i could go from here, all my improvements in shreds. thinking i was somewhat over him, but seeing him with another girl just made me realise everything i no longer had and that nothing feels the same without him. no matter how toxic our relationship was, i always thought there was a way to come back from it. to improve on it. on ourselves. have a conversation about it. but now he's repeatedly telling me he is in no state of mind to be mine and it hurts because i would happily wait for him for as long as he needs me too.
"did you - did you know about her?" i slowly pull myself away from the boy's embrace, the sudden realisation that there is a possibility he knew that harry was going to bring her tonight, that he was seeing someone else.
"what do you mean?" he looks down at me with a puzzled expression.
"well i mean, you live with him? so, surely you knew he was seeing someone else."
"but are you not, in a way, seeing me?" he gestures to himself, "but no i had no idea."
"hmm." i mutter, "but how could you not know?"
"i just didn't." he mumbles, "he doesn't talk to me about lasses anymore." he sighs.
"right," i nod slowly, furrowing my eyebrows.
"even if i knew he was seeing someone else, i wouldn't have to tell you though?"
"why wouldn't you?" i ask.
"well, you've been shagging me for like two months eve, he doesn't know about that, so why do you need to know what he gets up to?"
"dunno." i shrug my shoulders slightly, "just feel like you might have known he was bringing someone."
"oh my days!" he yells, standing up and bringing his hands to his head, "i just told you i had no idea! i wouldn't put you in that position, eve. because surprise, surprise, i actually care about you." he breathes in deeply, clearly frustrated with me.
"whatever."
"no eve, it isn't whatever. you just create false accusations in your head! i had no idea about her, but even if i did would it really be any of your business?" he questions me with raised eyebrows as i remain sat down, staring up at him. i remain silent, refusing to say a word. "you're so hung up on him! you've been broken up since june!" he yells, "i actually like you, you just don't realise shit because you're so obsessed."
"i'm not fucking obsessed!" i shout, now standing up. "but when you find someone and you think they're the one and it all goes to shit, it really fucking hurts, cal!" tears now forming in my eyes, i breathe in deeply in an attempt to discard the tears ready to fall.
"okay eve." he mumbles, now picking up his jacket. "you and harry are actually made for each other. the arguments, accusations, all that dumb shit. i'm done." he sighs, shaking his head as he walks towards my front door.
"no, please." i choke.
"eve. i have tried and tried all these months, i lost my best friend for you, i genuinely like you and you could have someone who could show you love!" he gestures to himself again, "but i just know that you would rather have him back."
"because i love him." i mutter.
"i know you do, so why should i try bother with you any longer?" he opens the door, my half mended heart breaks into a million pieces.
"please." i weep, not even bothering to wipe away the tears. "please, i'm sorry."
"no eve. i can see you're just using me to get over him, but i'm obviously not enough for you." he shakes his head, now slamming my front door behind him. i fall back down to the sofa, heavy sobs emerging from my chest as i throw my face into my palms.
