Killing Swans

Chapter 20 - Fleeing you

Past

After that night, nothing was the same. I wasn't the same. I mean, it wasn't like things had been good before. Way before any of this, yeah, life was ok, but now? Now I wouldn't even care if somebody ended mine. I did still fear for my life when Josh would get angry and even slap or hit me, but I didn't even know why, it wasn't like I had much joy in my life. I was just confronted with this ongoing pain, that never ever seemed to end, because all I could do was hope. Hope that Josh would love me enough to not hurt me again, but it seemed like that wouldn't happen any time soon. 

But it just felt impossible to do anything about it myself. I felt like leaving was impossible, because wouldn't Josh get even more angry? Wouldn't he find me and make me pay for leaving him or would he not care if I had to sell myself on the streets and live under a bridge? Because...well I had no money. In a few months I would finish ballet school and maybe then...maybe then things would be better and differently. Maybe then I could earn my own money and pay Josh back or just run away if I had enough saved up. But that was something for the future. Now...there wasn't much that I could do. 

But after that night...after Josh had...had forced himself on me, I-I just didn't know how to continue a happy life. I loved Josh and when he wasn't angry, he was the gentle and kind creature I fell in love with, but that didn't change the fact that sometimes, his mask would slip and he would reveal that inner demon, that haunted my nightmares. Just that I was living together with that demon and there was no way of escaping him. It was one thing that he wanted to hurt me and watch me cry out in pain, even though I didn't think that he specifically liked these images, he just didn't care enough to not produce them. They were a product of his anger, which he let out on me, not caring if it would hurt me. 

But when he had entered me, my body, without my permission, he broke something more fragile inside of me than a few bones or my heart. It was like I could hear the soft shattering of my fragile soul, as if it was a small vase somebody needed to keep safe but failed to do so. It shattered to the ground and broke into a million pieces. I was suddenly so cold and empty and instead of hope my body was filled with fear. I can't describe this fear, it was different from the one I felt when Josh looked like he wanted to murder me, which was just as bad. But when he had forced himself on me or was about to do so, it was as if I was stuck in this nightmare, that I couldn't flee and as if somebody was taking something away from me. Maybe my childhood. 

It wasn't like I had been a virgin before or that Josh and I had never had sex before, no we had done and enjoyed it plenty of times together, so you'd think it wouldn't be that bad, maybe a mere sting in my trust in him but no, it was bad. Because I had already lost control over my whole life. Even for a simple meal I depended on another person and I was losing people left and right against my will. But now he had taken away my last bit of sanity, my last bit of control and that was the one over my body. At least I could decide when I wanted something inside of me. Let it be a toothbrush in my mouth or food in my stomach. But he had violated my body, he had entered me without permission and that hurt. I had lost control and I didn't know how to get it back. 

Even though Josh, the next day, seemed sorry and apologized to me for causing me trouble last night, he didn't specifically apologize for...for raping me. He never specifically apologized for what he had done, he had never said it before. He had never said before, that he shouldn't hit me or slap me or yell at me. He never said sorry for specific things, but just in general and that was somewhat meaningless. But it suddenly also let my fears and pain feel meaningless, like the whole situation was. Like what I had felt during the times he had caused me pain were also meaningless and so I had just smiled softly, telling him it was ok. Because I wanted it to be ok. I was fine with it being meaningless, because maybe then it was also of no use for me. Maybe then I could feel normal again.