Killing Swans

Chapter 6 - Love to keep you warm

Past

"I wish you wouldn't have to go" Josh said, his fingers grazing up and down my naked arm as I laid in his, a cigarette in my hand. I didn't normally smoke, but after sex I sometimes had the urge to. Well not after sex specifically, but after an orgasm and for the first time in a long time, I had somebody who had given them to me. Of course not every hook up I ever had went without a release, but sometimes one night stands just cared about their own needs. Josh didn't. I snuggled closer into his embrace, a smile on my lips. 

"I know...I wish I didn't have to go as well, I really do. I could spend ages just laying here with you" I said and I meant it. 

So far, things were perfect with Josh. He was a gentleman and actually listened when I was talking. I loved spending time with him and I was actually falling quite hard for him. The only thing that was in our way were my parents. Josh didn't say it too often, but he was disappointed, that he had to be my secret. He understood, but it always saddened me...the look on his face when I had to leave early in the morning, when I had just managed to sneak out late at night and had to return home before my parents woke up. It broke my heart, actually. But it didn't change my situation and as much as I hated it, I needed to keep him a secret. 

I wished I didn't have to worry when we went out, that one of my mom's friends saw me holding another man's hand. I wished that I didn't have to fear, that my parents would check my phone and find the messages between me and Josh. I wished, that I didn't have to sneak out at night, just to spend a few beautiful hours with the man I was falling in love with. And I wished I could bring Josh to meet my family. I wished he could offer to play video games with Oliver, while my dad would open up a beer for him and tell him to treat me well. I wished my mom would tell me what a handsome man he was and that I should better keep this one...

But none of that would or could ever happen. 

"It's so unfair...I really just want to show you off to the world" Josh smiled, brushing over my cheek and the smoke of my cigarette and the slight wind from the open window touched our naked bodies. I looked into his light grey eyes and my heart fluttered. The sun was slowly rising and I knew if I wanted to make it back in time, I needed to leave within the next ten minutes, if Josh would drive me, we'd have another twenty. But he always drove me...because he cared. I put the cigarette out in the ashtray on my stomach, putting it down on the bedside table, before I snuggled closer in Josh's embrace. 

"I'd like that...I'm sorry this is so complicated" I said, laying a hand down on his naked chest and Josh chuckled, but it held something sad. "Its not your fault. I get it, your parents put so much pressure on you over the years, it is impossible for you to come out. The only thing I can tell you, that may either be scary or give you hope is, that one day they will know. It could be decades from now, but one day you will be free as well. But for now, its fine. I like being your dirty little secret" Josh said, wiggling his eyebrows and making me giggle, slapping him on the chest. 

"Oh my dirty little secret huh?? Well I thought you'd be more like my lovely secret boyfriend, but alright" I said. Josh had officially asked me to be his boyfriend two months ago and I couldn't have been happier. I had now met him two and a half months ago and I was so grateful that I had. My life was good before him, but now it was better. So much better. So much better, that Charlotte got annoyed by me talking about him. That meant that it was really good. 

"I like being both" Josh said, brushing his thumb over my bottom lip and when he did those kind of things, talking in a deep voice, his eyes fixating on me, his touch guiding me, I'd do anything for that man. And he knew it, but that's what made this so much more fun and interesting. Josh leaned in, kissing my lips and my eyes fluttered shut, as I followed his lead and submitted into the kiss, that I never wanted to end. But we both knew that it had to, after all, I needed to sneak back into my own god damn home. So when we pulled apart after a while, Josh showed me a small and sad smile.